All Comments on 'DeVore Academy Ch. 01'
by DreamsToWords
- 8 Comments
And there is nothing like a good old academy story to get the juices going.
However there were far too many spelling mistakes in what was a short chapter.
One example being...She let out a terrified shriek as he tore her thing down to her knees. ...it does detract from the story.
Please stop and proof read before submitting the next chapter.
But well done and please accept my criticism in the spirit it is meant.
Interesting new take on the basic premise. The mythical names are fun. The few typos are noticeable, but don't detract from the story.
However- the line at the end,"She knew then... she would never be able to leave." Eye rollingly hackneyed. She might fear that, but how would she know that? Find other ways to express the high melodrama thoughts. Variations of 'what I was born to be, what Soandso truly wants/needs/desires deep down, and any variation of one fuck or suck and that person is now and forever a complete and total uncontrollable cum dump and loving every minute [magical cock]. Yeah... Don't go there. ;). Read it out loud. If you giggle, and it wasn't supposed to be funny, find another way to say what you want to get across.
Looking forward to future chapters.
Absolutely love it! I wish for you to continue and fast ! Chapter 2! I also hope she's not passed along to other men like a piece of meat , I like more of a one man on women type of deal !
Love the entire premise!! Hopefully Ari continually fails at the challenges and competitions and her embarrassment and humiliation increases as she works her way downward on the pecking order and winds up so much lower than a "meaningless droll"
It will be fun reading about her confidence being shattered.
I was truly captivated by this story. Are there going to be more chapters?