- Loving Wives
- Fire
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Click hereAuthor's Notes:
I read a lot. It's fun, keeps me occupied when I'm bored, and it's a generally good hobby to have anyway. I get pangs of... a need to write from time to time. I write and forget usually, but thought it would be fun to put this one online. Would love your reactions to this guys.
Disclaimer: I make no money from this.
*****
He doesn't see red when he finally catches up with her. Before, back when he was only planning this confrontation, imagining how he'd torture the bitch until she begged, his jaw would tighten until it hurt and his vision would shimmer with a fine mist of fire. But now, now that he's here with her...
Jake's never felt such absolute clarity. Like everything has finally fallen into place, all the little jagged jigsaw pieces fitting themselves together to form the only picture in the world worth seeing.
He knows the truth, knows exactly whose orders she had been following that night, knows the reasons and motivations and logic behind the encounter and her actions. Jake's turned everything over in his mind again and again, spent hours working through every inconsistency until it all made a vicious, sharp sort of sense, and he knows where her true loyalties lie.
The thing is, he doesn't care.
Ben spent weeks trying to get him to talk about it, after they first found out the truth. For a while, Jake was able to fend him off by changing the subject. When he kept pushing (Ben always pushes, and he wonders sometimes if he'll ever learn that it's sometimes best just to let go), he flatly refused to speak to him until he stopped nagging.
Jennifer, though, was a bit smarter - the blonde sat next to him and just asked if there was anything he wanted to say, and listened silently when Jake muttered, "It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything, no matter the justification. She's murdered us, stamped on all the memories we made together."
He saw red fire then, and Jennifer just nodded and left.
But now, staring her down in a rickety, cobweb-ridden hut in an out-of-the-way hole of a village, he's filled with absolute clarity, diamond-sharp and sun-bright. There's no red haze anymore, no rage. Just...
Just now. Just this moment. Just faded moonlight through a grimy window, just shadows upon shadows blanketing the corners of the room, just glistening dust motes suspended in midair, swaying with each awkwardly loud exhalation, each jerking, uncertain motion of the two.
"You killed us," Jake says quietly, his tone a little too strained to be absolutely calm.
"I did," she replies with her habitual smirk, but there are no justifications in her shuttered eyes, no excuses forthcoming.
Excuses would make this easier. Would let Jake hate her just a little more, just enough to... just enough to make her bleed. Just enough to push him back into the flames.
But... murder's murder, no matter what the excuse. And he's not seeing red anymore - he's beyond the red, in the heart of the fire, where reality and knowledge and understanding flicker and dance and burn scorching blue.
Jake swallows, feels his hand clench, unclench. "I know why you did it."
"Does 'why' really matter to you, honey?" she asks almost facetiously, a thin lip curling again into a poor imitation of a smirk. She stays passive, her hands limp at her sides, and Jake finds himself wondering if his wife would even bother defending herself if attacked.
"You're going to leave," Jake says softly, not sure where the words are coming from but too tired to care very much. Too tired, and somehow too old inside to keep up the posturing, the sniping, the hatred. "You're going to go somewhere far away, and you're never going to come back. Because if you do, I'll drag you to the courts myself, and we've both seen their version of justice."
"What is this, Jake?" she demands in a low hiss, his features frozen into a blank mask. "I - "
"This isn't about you," Jake interrupts curtly. "I don't care whether you live to one hundred or die tomorrow." He blinks, hesitating, and thinks that revelations should come more loudly, shine more brightly - epiphanies aren't supposed to be quiet. He shouldn't feel like he's saying something he's known all along, deep down.
"This isn't about you," he repeats softly, dust swirling cautious as he speaks. "This is about me not becoming you."
Fire burns you up in the end, Jake suspects. It doesn't matter who set it or how you use it - anyone lost in the red ends up a charred husk.
He doesn't bother taking in her reaction, doesn't really care whether the woman is angry or shocked or offended. "You'll leave," Jake repeats, his voice steely, and he leaves the hut in a flurry of ash-fine dust.
- COMMENTS
Shit........ I can't believe I read this shit about nothing. How the phuque did this ever get on LW?
The absolute bare minimum of a LW story, and the only part that matters. Well executed for what it is - essentially, a snippet - and distinct in its absolute refusal to elaborate further and the vivid little snapshot of the wife... Ignore the comments below, I don't need 4 pages of backstory and 5 pages of character shilling, author exposition, farcial karma and wish fulfillment to get 5 Stars worth of enjoyment from this.
Too much symbolism, too little substance. I am sure this was intended to be thought provoking, but it turned out to be merely confused and confusing. “Background” and “reason” are not dirty words. Use them.
This was like a painting done without a canvas, just wind drifting by with no form or even cause, something that just was.
In other words...wtf dude. Context, other than her being a cheater, you gave us nothing to piece this mess together with.
Wtf??? Some more details would've suffice. This seems more like a preview to an actual story than a real story.
WTF? This reads like it’s supposed to be evocative, focusing solely on the rage. But emotion detached from context and detail is essentially meaningless. I do not want to read every boring detail of their entire life history, but maybe one decent paragraph about who they are and one paragraph about what happened would anchor the rage for the reader and get us to give a damn.
Complete, utter nonsense. What a waste. Will never read another word from this doofus.
Where is the next Chapter ? It is incomplete . More Questions then answers ..
You left out way too much. Basically, you gave us just the middle of the story - no beginning, and no ending. This makes it a very poor story to read because we have so little information.
No beginning, middle or end.
Perhaps a rewrite with a bit more of what it's about?
Well, I hardly think this is as bad as people think it is...although the introduction is painful enough I'm going to take the time to elaborate.
It's quite likely on a literature site that most of us do our fair share of reading. Reading erotica might have a statistically significant correlation with intelligence, but this is hardly the cesspool of the internet that you will save or grace with your writing. And I highly doubt that the urge to write is unique, nor the ability special - we've all written some bullshit of one form or another for school. And I disagree, I don't think you love the reaction. And I don't believe anyone gives a shit whether you make money from it or not. Since when do associations and sources of funding need to be disclosed...are you a research paper writer? I lost half my shit right there.
I've never found an author's preface that did not contain factual and strictly relevant information, like the name of a followup story, in any way helpful, and have found many to partially or totally ruin a story.
Now, back to the program. This acts a bit pretentious...if I get it, he leaves her in her house of anger to burn up as he walks out. Although not every supporting statement seems to make sense. It was probably nothing like this in the first draft.
Some parts are good. The dialogue is good. I like he asserts instead of questions. It's too colorful, tone it down. Everything around the dialogue is good, but the first half labors into some points too much. 2/3 of anything related to clarity should be right cut, or condensed should there be an ort within you can't live without. And the epiphany part needs to be taken out back and put down like a lame race horse. Alright, its airy like a sponge cake. Obviously that was the intent. It might be more satisfying for others if there was slightly little more substance.
And finally, I recommend not reading this comment or taking any suggestions within seriously. This is for entertainment purposes only. Any statements are the opinion of the writer only, and may lead to physical or psychological harm if read. If you do not agree to these terms, return the unopened package to the place of purchase for full refund.
a waste of time". That's what his wife said when she saw his 3 inch cock. That's why she fucked all those men during their entire marriage.
This was a trailer to the worst movie ever made. Stop writing, it isn't for you
This isn't even a story. There's no story line, no commentary of any kind. No plot developement or character definition of any kind. What a fucking waste of space.
I read this on my smartphone and accidentally hit four stars. I honestly don't have enough information to rate this any stars. It is a loose end of a story that seems well written and very stoic. If it had a buildup of who the characters are and what they are doing it might give a reader a better idea as to the point of this apparent showdown.
I have no idea what happened, and I feel like I just wasted 3 minutes of my life I can't get back.
It was like coming in for 5 minutes in the middle of a 2 hour movie; you don't know who anyone is, you don't know why they're doing what they're doing, and you don't know what is going to happen in the end. It seemed to be ramblings of of someone not quite drunk but close enough that they're talking to themselves. No better than a 1* effort regardless of the writing.
What a stupid story. What the fuck were you trying to say? This story does not make sense to anybody. I don't think it even makes sense to you.
you read all of these LW stories then bitch about them. Your time is usles anyway so nothing lost asshole.
Hint Hint You are no writer. The 4 "W" of writing and you completely missed them all. WHAT were you thinking? WHERE did this happen? WHEN did it happen? LAST BUT NOT LEAST; WHY did you waste my time?
You should have started with ..."It was a dark and stormy night....".
There are some really nice turns of phrase here and I think it's written really well. Feel's like a fragment rather than a story in it's own right. Really good effort though.
You are so clever. Your like those idiots who take a bucket of paint and throw it at canvas and think they just made a masterpiece. Moron.
Have no clue what you were talking about....
She did something? He didn't want to talk about it! Now she must leave and not come back? because "I don't want to turn into you."
Like I said....WHAT? I just told the exact same story in about one and a half lines!
There is not enough here to call it a story. Perhaps a story idea.
...it's incomplete. Personally I don't see the point in putting out part of a story and basically expecting the reader to finish it for you. You say you make no money from this...I hope you weren't expecting that to change in the future if this is the kind of work you intend to produce. Most people don't consider reading fiction to be a DIY project.
I mean, made me interested in what she had done, how much he had loved her, how she murdered that love. What hut where?
You're good at this, and you'll keep getting better. You're a writer. Don't stop.
I like it.
This is a short story. It's a moment. Could it be longer? Yeah, but it doesn't need to be. I can create my own back story from this. I don't need to change anything. I don't get mad at anything. It's what a short story should be.
He has people wanting more.
Good job.
You drop us in the middle of a story with no beginning or end. If you're trying to be cute, you've failed.
You've described the emotions but not what is going on. I don't think anyone will get it, I.e. understand. We need a little background to have any feelings or response to the characters. There is no fire , hell there is no smoke, just nothing. Even this short comment has more feeling. I like to encourage new writers to continue developing their talent and style. Good new writers are few and far between. Your descriptions are good, your on the right tract. Now give us the back story ! Why should we care about these people? Write the next chapter!
The only thing I can get from this is that you expect the LW genre to fill in the blanks about a standard cheater marriage, but only included one clue and forgot reveal that everyone is indeed dead. The rosa-blanca.ru do it, but not really.
She sleeps her way up the good chain, her rich lover made her openly cuck him, he alienated himself from his two kids because he doesn't have the banks to get a divorce because the courts suck. He can't burn/kill her and because she won't go away, he burns/suicides in his own flame.
Bruce "Jake" Wilis east your heart out, amirite?
And - wtf? Write a story, yes I know you don't make any money at this but, if you have a tale to tell, do it.
Thanks for the effort
Since the reader is left out of the joke so to speak,in that all we know is the husband is pissed ,the wife did something bad and that is it.So what? It isn't clever,it reminds me of the rant Lion Twain gives about bad detective fiction...that the author hides everything being 'clever'
I have no idea. It appears to be missing any explanation or semblance of a plot.
As to why it's in LW which is extra marital fun escapes me. 1*