- Loving Wives
- Fire
- Comments
All Comments on 'Fire'
by ManSellingMoons
- 96 Comments
Nothing here made a lick of sense. Just really bad writing. Good thing you aren't trying to make money.
Agreed. What was this? It wasn't even a scene. Just some rambling nonsense. She will leave? Then he does? Nothing made any sense. 1 for whatever this is.
I can certainly believe your disclaimer - no sane person would ever pay for this. I'm not sure if you're trying to be extremely clever ( if so , I give up, you lost me ) or you're a really, really poor writer - the latter I think. Please don't write a sequel. 1 *
Are you thinking you are a literary or what??? Thats literotica "loving wive" and not a poetry reading!!!
Requires a lot of reader participation - quite challenging - quite intimidating - strong style, but you're gonna catch a lot of flack from most. I like it. Hope you have more. Thanks *****
I've it twice and have no idea what I read! I assume his wife cheated, but maybe she an abortion, maybe killed someone, maybe she refused to go to company dinner and lost him his job. No telling!
My first was that this was a terrific first effort, as you managed to relate so much psychological impact in to so comparatively few words.
My second reaction, which happened right after reading the story and the first two comments form "annony" was, well, I kind of agree with some of what they said too.
There is such a thing as a great economy of words, but then there is also such a thing as leaving out too much of the story's details to really make a complete picture.
That, in the end is what this story is, it is both a complete picture of the decisive elements of the story psychologically, but it is also the barest bones of a story...it is a skeleton, perhaps even only a partial skeleton, but it moves and tells a story, despite the incompleteness of the shapes and the balkiness of the motions caused by the lack of flesh, sinew, muscle, and smooth skin to cover those bones.
So, in the end I'm of two minds...this story is both good and bad, in differing ways at the same time. I gave you 5* for the effort - and to balance out the too-low, IMO 1*s.
I did particularly enjoy how you teased the true meaning of "You're going to leave" from what could have been at first a forlorn questioning cry of anticipated loss to the declarative "You'll leave" fully translated into a "get the fuck out of here" command imperative at the end. Nicely done there.
without a story or even an outline is not being an author, sorry
strange but provoking thought for sure ------nice start continue it, i gave you a 5 ---i see potential
The good and the bad, both are appreciated. This was a sort of epilogue to a lot of LW stories.
I like reader participation. While I will flesh out my stories more, there will always be that little something, that little detail that the characters will allude to, that wouldn't be there in the story.
To the flamers though, realize that writing bad stories is a part of growing as a writer. Rome wasn't built in a single day. I appreciate you giving me feedback anyways.
I don't think it needs a ending...This was the end. It needs the beginning, the how they got here, to know "where her true loyalties lie". Even if it's a little dense, I think it's a good beginning...3*
Of course, this is only an extract from a much long story.
You might choose to share the rest of it with us, which would be great as I want to learn more about them and their friends.
Maybe this will become one of those stories with multiple other authors adding their idea as to the beginning, the middle and the end of this story.
That'd be great, too.
And please do continue writing, you have a good style.
What the hell??????????????????????????????????????????????
Why is it ok to get a divorce because you're not in love but somehow adultery justifies murder?
I mean, are we living in some shit stained town under Sharia Law? Did the Muslims take over and groom our underaged daughters for sex while stoning any woman caught without her husband?
The fuck is wrong with you?
need to give readers enough to feel part of the scene or at least understand what they are viewing from a great distance--even if the images are blurry.
This was an excellent flash. Well done. But it requires a functioning brain cell. Too many trolls in LW lack that essential quality.
Drag her into court ???? Not enough information even given to justify or clarify any outcome . What the fuck did she do and why court. Usually the guy gets fucked or a 50 ; 50 split. Just enough info to regret reading this in the first place. Had the potential to be a great story
I'm afraid I have to agree to some extent with the anonymous trolls!
You seem to be trying to write something clever and sophisticated and literary, but I'm afraid I really have very little idea what is going on here at all.
I think the issue may be that you have a story scenario in your head that you are trying to describe in a clever way. But because you know the story yourself, you are not aware that to somebody coming into it cold, it just makes no sense.
I would suggest writing something more straightforward to start with, without trying to write like a Man Booker prize winner.
Also, this is an erotic stories site. Now erotic, of course, does not mean that you have to have lots of explicit sex in the story, but I really can't see much eroticism at all in this story. Sorry but only two stars. Now you can be rude about my story if you like :)
By the way, in case you are not aware, it is possible to moderate (ie delete) some of the sillier comments through your control panel thing if you want to.
I have no idea. It appears to be missing any explanation or semblance of a plot.
As to why it's in LW which is extra marital fun escapes me. 1*
Since the reader is left out of the joke so to speak,in that all we know is the husband is pissed ,the wife did something bad and that is it.So what? It isn't clever,it reminds me of the rant Lion Twain gives about bad detective fiction...that the author hides everything being 'clever'
And - wtf? Write a story, yes I know you don't make any money at this but, if you have a tale to tell, do it.
Thanks for the effort
The only thing I can get from this is that you expect the LW genre to fill in the blanks about a standard cheater marriage, but only included one clue and forgot reveal that everyone is indeed dead. The rosa-blanca.ru do it, but not really.
She sleeps her way up the good chain, her rich lover made her openly cuck him, he alienated himself from his two kids because he doesn't have the banks to get a divorce because the courts suck. He can't burn/kill her and because she won't go away, he burns/suicides in his own flame.
Bruce "Jake" Wilis east your heart out, amirite?
You've described the emotions but not what is going on. I don't think anyone will get it, I.e. understand. We need a little background to have any feelings or response to the characters. There is no fire , hell there is no smoke, just nothing. Even this short comment has more feeling. I like to encourage new writers to continue developing their talent and style. Good new writers are few and far between. Your descriptions are good, your on the right tract. Now give us the back story ! Why should we care about these people? Write the next chapter!
You drop us in the middle of a story with no beginning or end. If you're trying to be cute, you've failed.
I like it.
This is a short story. It's a moment. Could it be longer? Yeah, but it doesn't need to be. I can create my own back story from this. I don't need to change anything. I don't get mad at anything. It's what a short story should be.
He has people wanting more.
Good job.
You're good at this, and you'll keep getting better. You're a writer. Don't stop.
I mean, made me interested in what she had done, how much he had loved her, how she murdered that love. What hut where?
...it's incomplete. Personally I don't see the point in putting out part of a story and basically expecting the reader to finish it for you. You say you make no money from this...I hope you weren't expecting that to change in the future if this is the kind of work you intend to produce. Most people don't consider reading fiction to be a DIY project.
There is not enough here to call it a story. Perhaps a story idea.
Have no clue what you were talking about....
She did something? He didn't want to talk about it! Now she must leave and not come back? because "I don't want to turn into you."
Like I said....WHAT? I just told the exact same story in about one and a half lines!
You are so clever. Your like those idiots who take a bucket of paint and throw it at canvas and think they just made a masterpiece. Moron.
There are some really nice turns of phrase here and I think it's written really well. Feel's like a fragment rather than a story in it's own right. Really good effort though.
You should have started with ..."It was a dark and stormy night....".
Hint Hint You are no writer. The 4 "W" of writing and you completely missed them all. WHAT were you thinking? WHERE did this happen? WHEN did it happen? LAST BUT NOT LEAST; WHY did you waste my time?
you read all of these LW stories then bitch about them. Your time is usles anyway so nothing lost asshole.
What a stupid story. What the fuck were you trying to say? This story does not make sense to anybody. I don't think it even makes sense to you.
It was like coming in for 5 minutes in the middle of a 2 hour movie; you don't know who anyone is, you don't know why they're doing what they're doing, and you don't know what is going to happen in the end. It seemed to be ramblings of of someone not quite drunk but close enough that they're talking to themselves. No better than a 1* effort regardless of the writing.
I have no idea what happened, and I feel like I just wasted 3 minutes of my life I can't get back.
I read this on my smartphone and accidentally hit four stars. I honestly don't have enough information to rate this any stars. It is a loose end of a story that seems well written and very stoic. If it had a buildup of who the characters are and what they are doing it might give a reader a better idea as to the point of this apparent showdown.
This isn't even a story. There's no story line, no commentary of any kind. No plot developement or character definition of any kind. What a fucking waste of space.
This was a trailer to the worst movie ever made. Stop writing, it isn't for you
a waste of time". That's what his wife said when she saw his 3 inch cock. That's why she fucked all those men during their entire marriage.
Well, I hardly think this is as bad as people think it is...although the introduction is painful enough I'm going to take the time to elaborate.
It's quite likely on a literature site that most of us do our fair share of reading. Reading erotica might have a statistically significant correlation with intelligence, but this is hardly the cesspool of the internet that you will save or grace with your writing. And I highly doubt that the urge to write is unique, nor the ability special - we've all written some bullshit of one form or another for school. And I disagree, I don't think you love the reaction. And I don't believe anyone gives a shit whether you make money from it or not. Since when do associations and sources of funding need to be disclosed...are you a research paper writer? I lost half my shit right there.
I've never found an author's preface that did not contain factual and strictly relevant information, like the name of a followup story, in any way helpful, and have found many to partially or totally ruin a story.
Now, back to the program. This acts a bit pretentious...if I get it, he leaves her in her house of anger to burn up as he walks out. Although not every supporting statement seems to make sense. It was probably nothing like this in the first draft.
Some parts are good. The dialogue is good. I like he asserts instead of questions. It's too colorful, tone it down. Everything around the dialogue is good, but the first half labors into some points too much. 2/3 of anything related to clarity should be right cut, or condensed should there be an ort within you can't live without. And the epiphany part needs to be taken out back and put down like a lame race horse. Alright, its airy like a sponge cake. Obviously that was the intent. It might be more satisfying for others if there was slightly little more substance.
And finally, I recommend not reading this comment or taking any suggestions within seriously. This is for entertainment purposes only. Any statements are the opinion of the writer only, and may lead to physical or psychological harm if read. If you do not agree to these terms, return the unopened package to the place of purchase for full refund.
No beginning, middle or end.
Perhaps a rewrite with a bit more of what it's about?
You left out way too much. Basically, you gave us just the middle of the story - no beginning, and no ending. This makes it a very poor story to read because we have so little information.
Where is the next Chapter ? It is incomplete . More Questions then answers ..
Complete, utter nonsense. What a waste. Will never read another word from this doofus.
WTF? This reads like it’s supposed to be evocative, focusing solely on the rage. But emotion detached from context and detail is essentially meaningless. I do not want to read every boring detail of their entire life history, but maybe one decent paragraph about who they are and one paragraph about what happened would anchor the rage for the reader and get us to give a damn.
Wtf??? Some more details would've suffice. This seems more like a preview to an actual story than a real story.
This was like a painting done without a canvas, just wind drifting by with no form or even cause, something that just was.
In other words...wtf dude. Context, other than her being a cheater, you gave us nothing to piece this mess together with.
Too much symbolism, too little substance. I am sure this was intended to be thought provoking, but it turned out to be merely confused and confusing. “Background” and “reason” are not dirty words. Use them.
The absolute bare minimum of a LW story, and the only part that matters. Well executed for what it is - essentially, a snippet - and distinct in its absolute refusal to elaborate further and the vivid little snapshot of the wife... Ignore the comments below, I don't need 4 pages of backstory and 5 pages of character shilling, author exposition, farcial karma and wish fulfillment to get 5 Stars worth of enjoyment from this.
Shit........ I can't believe I read this shit about nothing. How the phuque did this ever get on LW?