How to BTB

How to Burn the Bitch: Sunburn, 2nd Degree, 3rd Degree

Prologue:

It started in the traditional way. I returned from work on a Friday afternoon and found my wife, Julie, dressed to the nines. She was so stunning, I would say she was dressed to the elevens.

"Do I need my tux? Obviously it's fancy. How much?"

"You are not going. I have a date. I will be back tomorrow afternoon. We will work things out then. We always have before."

"We didn't work your date out. You made the decision. I will decide on the consequences."

"I wish you hadn't said that. You are just trying to ruin my weekend."

"Yes, and if wishes were fishes, we would all eat healthy."

"That's my Lyft. See you tomorrow."

She was gone.

Sunburn:

She returned Saturday at 2PM.

"How was your date?"

She relaxed visibly.

"Very good, I guess nothing fully lives up to expectations, but I had a good time."

"That's nice. It would be a shame to have consequences for nothing. It turns out that your slutty young sister, Mary, has a thing for me. When she heard my story, she suggested a date. The hotel has late checkout. So I will see you tomorrow evening."

2nd Degree:

I returned Sunday at 9:30PM.

"Even the fanciest restaurants have space Sunday evening. We took advantage of it to have a great early dinner at the Four Seasons. Then we spent some time in her apartment."

"I am sorry. I admit it. It was my mistake. I will take my medicine. Thank goodness we are now even."

"We are not even until I am satisfied. You decided to start, I get to finish. I have a date with your divorced older sister, Susan, for next weekend; that's Friday through Sunday. What is your relationship with your sisters. Not either of them even thought of taking your side when I told my story. Neither even thought I was biasing the story in my favor."

3rd Degree:

It turned out that both Susan and I could get Monday and Tuesday off from work. So I called Julie from New Orleans to tell her I was extending my date. Susan let me know when she agreed to the date, that it would be strictly platonic. She had been cheated on and would not cheat on another, "Even if she deserved it." After twenty four hours with Mary, I was not in any great need of sex, so it was not a problem. Of course, with Susan's smiling approval, I did not tell Julie about the platonic clause. New Orleans is a great city in which to be a tourist. Friday night, we had dinner at Antoin's, The baked Alaska was a perfect ending. Saturday was hurricanes at O'brian's. We must have done something else, but I can't remember anything else about Saturday. Sunday, we relaxed at the Intercontinental hotel pool and spent the night listening to Jazz. Monday, was a plantation tour. Mint Juleps at Oak Alley was the best part. Before going to the airport on Tuesday, we had breakfast at Brennan's. Every Morning, Susan after rising from her separate bed, kissed me on the cheek with a big smile on her face. That could not have been the best kiss I ever had in bed; somehow it seemed like it. It was the best vacation I ever had, even better than those that were sexual extravaganzas.

Julie decided to give it her best try to save the marriage. So when I got back there were no recriminations. She wanted me to reclaim her, but all I was willing to do was cuddle. When I announced two weeks later that I had another date with Susan, Julie ran into our bedroom. I didn't tell her it was still platonic. Susan and I had a nice dinner at our Holiday Inn, and separate beds as before. The morning kiss at the Holiday Inn was just as good as the ones at the Intercontinental, even if the hotel wasn't. We saw a romcom movie in the afternoon, and I received another kiss on the cheek when I dropped her off at her house. Admittedly the New Orleans date was better, but I was surprised at how high on my list of dates that this rated.

When I got home, this time recriminations were in order.

"I will not live like this. You have to go back to the way we were."

I prepared on the Monday after her date. In two days, she received the documents from my lawyer.

Fortunately, Susan's definition of cheating ended with documents served, not the final judgment. I loved that a non-platonic date with Susan was even better than New Orleans. We had a simple wedding with a judge two weeks after the divorce was official. Both Julie and Mary attended, and the congratulations seemed sincere. I don't know if I was more proud of Julie's maturity, or distressed that her date showed the real extent of her feelings for me. I suspected it was the latter which only increased my confidence that I had traded up.