Kasey's Confession Ch. 14

Lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors and who knows what else, I just stared out in shock. It was to be expected, they said, as they explained I had been in a coma for a very long time. What they did not know was that the source of my confusion ran much deeper than just waking up disoriented after a long time "away."

I had absolutely no idea who I was, but when one of my legs was uncovered when I knocked the sheet off of myself, I recoiled in horror. It was covered with hair.

Dr. Bennett, who looked exactly like Dr. Dietz but acted nothing like her, checked on me regularly. I found out the two women who had been at my bedside when I regained consciousness were named Marci and Erica. They were apparently close friends of mine I had known for many years, but while they seemed familiar, I was unable to remember them as being part of my life.

I was having trouble remembering any part of my life. The only life I could remember was the one I lived as Kasey, which was apparently some kind of delusion or dream.

When Lisa, the woman who was supposedly my girlfriend, arrived, she looked exactly like Nancy. She wore tight cut-offs and a tight t-shirt just like Nancy did, even though her bulging, very overweight body looked absurd hanging out of the shorts and her much too short tight t-shirt. She also didn't wear a bra, which made her very pronounced nipples with very wide and dark areolas easily visible through the fabric of her t-shirt.

"Hunny bunny!" she shrieked when she saw me sitting up awake in my hospital bed. "My wuvvy dovey sweetie pie! Your sweet cheeks has missed you so berry berry much!"

She started kissing me all over my face and calling me every pet name imaginable while talking in the voice of a hyperactive little girl who had just inhaled the contents of a helium balloon.

After she finally stopped kissing me, I struggled to say, "I missed you, too" while wondering who she was and how I could have ended up in a relationship with someone like her. I also struggled to deal with her as "Lisa" since whenever I looked at her I thought of Nancy and how hard I had worked to prove my love to her.

Over time my memory began to come back to me. Lisa and I had been together for over three years. Marci was a friend I'd known since childhood, and Erica was a friend of hers from work she'd introduced me to a couple of years earlier. Erica and I had fallen in love along the way, but we had never acted on our feelings for each other because I wouldn't cheat on Lisa. Erica had told me she wouldn't love me the way she did if I were the type of person to cheat on my girlfriend.

Several times I had tried to break up with Lisa, but she always became extremely emotional and at one time even threatened to kill herself. She was completely emotionally dependent on me, and over the course of our relationship she had stopped taking care of herself, gained a lot of weight, started dressing provocatively in ways that made her a public laughing stock, had drifted away from all her friends and her family, and spent most of her time sitting in front of the television eating cookies and candy and other snacks while going on endless about how much she loved me in a babyish voice.

When I was finally released from the hospital and returned to the live I lived with Lisa, I became completely miserable and enraged. I told her I wanted to break up and that I didn't love her any longer, but she only smiled and told me in her baby girl voice, "Hunny bunny just have to 'member all da wuv we have 'tween us!"

She infuriated me. The situation infuriated me. Having a man's body with hairy legs infuriated me. Not being able to get any cock infuriated me more than anything else.

I got back a job with the company I'd worked for before spending months in a coma. Although it was not the same job I'd had, which was filled by a new hire since they had no idea if I would ever be able to come back, I got the same pay rate, kept my seniority and benefits. It was almost as if I had never left.

On my first Friday back I felt compelled to go to a nearby shopping mall and order from the Chinese restaurant on their food court. I took it back to a table next to a railing that surrounded a water fountain. It all felt very familiar and I did it out of a sense that it was what I always did on Fridays.

Right after I sat down, Erica, dressed in professional looking clothes, sat down across from me.

"I wondered if you'd remember," she said.

"I didn't know why, but I knew it was important to come here today."

She put her hand over mine and sighed. "Every Friday we used to meet and every Friday we used to say, 'we have to stop doing this' and whatever else we always used to say. You'll never leave Lisa and I, well, I have started seeing Chris again. He's talking about getting married."

I sat quietly while she talked, looking away from me the entire time, and then told her, "I cannot stand Lisa. I don't know how I put up with her before I was in that coma, but she makes me sick. She's ALWAYS using that baby talk voice and squealing and calling me 'hunny bunny' and 'snugglekins" and shit like that. And she sits there half-naked on the couch all night eating boxes and boxes of cookies and candy and junk food and chewing with her mouth open and going 'yummy, yummy, yummy in my tummy' and I am about three minutes away from throwing up whenever I'm home with her and it is even worse when we go out."

"You got her to see a therapist before your accident," Erica told me, "and then all hell broke loose. You need to leave her. Not just for me, but for your own sanity."

"What I really need is to suck—" I stopped suddenly and looked around until I spotted an ice cream place. "I need to suck on an ice cream cone."

"Um, okay? Are you going to eat this lo mein?"

"No, I just really need something, I don't know, long and hard and wet in my mouth. It is kind of a weird craving. Do they sell those chocolate covered bananas anywhere around here?"

Erica stared at me, speechless. "Are you okay?"

"Just some weird cravings, I don't know," I told her before slumping back into my chair. "Look, I barely remember anything about Lisa other than we've been together for a long time. I don't remember you very well either, but when I see you I feel butterflies in my chest. The thing is, I'm really confused right now and I'm trying to work things out."

"You should see that therapist that Dr. Bennett recommended. I think his name was Duckworth?"

"Yeah, I have his card. I've been meaning to call him."

"He's a psychiatrist, I think, not a therapist, but you should probably see him. It couldn't hurt. And just so you know, I was the one who found you when you were in the accident. You laughed and told me you lost control of the car because you saw me riding past on my bicycle in my pink shorts. Then you told me you loved me. And just so you know, I love you, too."

Even with my limited memories I could see what the picture was. I'd been trapped in a miserable, unhealthy relationship with Lisa for years, and every time I tried to end it she did something crazy like try to kill herself or get drunk and have sex with some random guy in a bar, which I somehow remembered her doing. Before my coma I had been totally head over heels in love with Erica, and the feeling was mutual, but we'd never consummated our passion or even kissed other than a quick one on the cheek, which Erica gave me as she got up and left.

The choice seemed simple, the beautiful and sane blonde who had it all together and loved me, or the emotionally unbalanced woman I'd been with for over three years who was trying to eat herself to death when she wasn't trying to destroy herself by more dramatic means.

It only seemed simple, because no one knew about the thing that was really eating away at me. I wanted to be Kasey. I wanted to rush home and shave my legs and put on a pair of short shorts and prance around town looking for men to hook up with.

I'd also seen where that kind of thing could lead me, or at least where it had led in the dream or whatever I had experience while in a coma.

Dammit, though, I was having extremely serious cravings for cock, but as long as I was walking around in men's pants and a men's polo shirt and shoes the idea was repulsive. I wanted there to be a phone booth I could jump into and transform into Kasey instantly.

When I got home, Lisa was wearing a black teddy that was several sizes too small for her. It stretched tightly around her body and she was hanging out of it in a way that was both grotesque and somehow incredibly appealing to me. I was immediately reminded of Nancy and how they looked exactly the same, even as their behavior was radically different.

"We haven't made love since you came back to me, hunny bunny," she squealed upon seeing me and then jumped up on me, knocking me onto the floor. "Give it to me, my big strong manly man! Gimme your wuv stick!"

I pushed her off me and started yelling at her, "I can't do this shit anymore! I don't want to be with you! I want out of this relationship! I can't take it anymore!"

She sat on the floor looking at me. She was crying. I shook my head.

"Hunny bunny, what's wrong? Did you have a baddy bad day at worky poo?"

"No! I had a great day at work! Do you understand, I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore. I am moving out. I'll go stay in a hotel or whatever tonight and figure it out, but I can't stay with you any longer."

"But hunny bunny! I wuv you!"

"Shut the fuck up and leave me alone."

After I went into the bedroom and started to throw my clothes in a suitcase, she came and stood in the doorway watching me.

After a few minutes she quietly said, "Is it because of Erica?"

"No."

"Why then? You were in a coma all that time and you don't remember how good we were together. You need time to remember."

I was pleased that she actually started talking in a grown woman's voice, but it didn't cause me to stop packing or even slow down. I went through my closet taking just what I thought I'd need until I could come back for the rest of my things, and then I found a shoebox that was held closed with duct tape.

"What's this?" I asked as I held up the box where she could see it.

She shrugged and indicated she had no idea what it was, so I pulled it open and looked inside. There were two women's shavers with replaceable razor heads, a bottle moisturizing lotion, a bottle of self-tanning oil and a dildo. I quickly closed the box and added it to the things I was taking with me.

"Don't do anything stupid," I told her as I brushed past her to take my things out to the car. "I'll be back in a few days for the rest of my stuff."

She stood on the front lawn, still wearing her much too small teddy, and watched me drive away.

I got a room in a fairly decent motel not far from where I worked. I unpacked my suitcase and my attention kept going to the shoebox. I took one of the razors with me and went into the bathroom, turned on the shower and began shaving my legs. Starting with one legs I worked my way up my calves, over and around my knees, shaved my thighs completely, did the best job I could with my ass under the circumstances, and then toweled off. Then I applied the lotion to my legs and went back out to the room in just my bathrobe.

"Damn, that feels SO MUCH BETTER," I told myself out loud.

For the next week, every day after work I went out looking for more supplies to help me transform into Kasey. I bought short shorts, miniskirts, toenail polish, high-heeled shoes, and anything else I could find so I could look and feel like I'd felt like when I was Kasey. I held off on makeup and anything to style my hair as I didn't feel quite ready to attempt something that, as far as I knew, I'd never tried in my real life that was so difficult and complex.

I practiced sucking on the dildo every night before I went to bed, finding I loved sucking it as much as I had during my coma experience or whatever had happened to me. I wanted to find a real cock to suck, but I was nervous and unsure of myself.

The following Friday I went to the mall on my lunch break and ordered food from the Chinese restaurant at the food court. I sat by the waterfall and waited to see if Erica would show up, and she did.

"You could have called me, you know," she said as she sat down, wearing big sunglasses with dark lenses.

"I didn't remember your number," I confessed. "Or where you lived."

"You remembered we met here every Friday."

"Yes, but I didn't remember why I felt compelled to come here."

"Okay, I'll give you that, but you're not going to be able to play the coma card forever," she said as she reached out and took my hand in hers. "So, you finally moved out on her."

"Yes. I have to go back and get the rest of my stuff this weekend, but it is over, and she seems to be handling it pretty well considering the crap you said she pulled before."

"She's convinced you either need time to get your shit together after being in that coma for so long, or that you left her for me. She called me a couple times."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her the truth, that I hadn't seen you, that I didn't know you left her, and that as far as I knew you didn't leave her for me."

"Do you really love me?" I asked Erica.

"I think you know that I do," she said and grasped my hand tightly. "Or at least you used to know that I do."

"I want to show you something tonight, if you're willing to come by my motel room. It is something I want to share with someone, but I'm really scared of being laughed at or rejected."

"You mean you aren't just trying to get me up to your room to get me into bed?" she laughed.

"Well, I am very attracted to you and I really feel like I can trust you. I remember you from before my coma, but in bits and pieces, and I'm pretty sure I do love you. I'm just really confused."

"Whatever you want, Kasey, except one thing," she said. "I don't want to be the reason you leave Lisa, you should leave her because you don't want to be with her and because you don't love her. And I don't want you to make love to me once and then run back to her, because that would hurt. So, I guess that is actually two things."

"You aren't the reason I left her. That much I know for sure. When I came back and went back to living with her I was completely miserable and I couldn't stand being around her. I'm not going back to her. My thing is this, I need to share a secret with you before anything more happens between us, and I need to know you'll accept me and still love me after you know my secret."

"This sounds pretty intense," she said, gripping my hand tighter. "You don't have a dead body in your motel room, do you? It isn't anything like that."

"No," I laughed, "it isn't ANYTHING like that."

I bought a bottle of wine after work and went back to my motel room to get ready. I showered, shaved and prepared my legs as best I could. I'd used the self-tanning lotion, which worked surprisingly well, the previous night and now my legs had a deep tanned color to them. I put on a clean shirt, panties, a pair of jeans, and socks after painting my toenails a bright pink color. I didn't want to shock Erica as soon as she arrived, but I wanted to be ready to change once I felt comfortable putting on a miniskirt and heels in front of her.

When Erica arrived she was very casually dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. She saw the bottle of wine and immediately opened it and poured us each a glass, using the plastic wine glasses I'd gotten at the liquor store.

Then she turned to me and said, "Okay, so what's the big secret?"

I sat down next to her on the edge of the bed with my glass of wine and looked into her beautiful, blue eyes. "I don't remember the things we talked about before I checked out for all those months. I don't know how much you know about me. That puts me at a disadvantage."

"You want to know what I know about you?"

"We must have shared our thoughts and our feelings, since we've known each other for a long time. Are there things you know about me that aren't, you know, fairly normal?"

"Well, I know you tend to be a sap, that you fall for really messed up women who take you for a ride and then you feel too guilty to get out of the relationship when it goes horribly wrong. I know you care a lot about people in general. I know that you once told me that I was the first woman you ever really loved and that the other women you've been with you were with because they were available and things just fell into place. I'm not sure if that is true or if it is just you trying to sweet talk me, but I'm pretty sure you meant it when you said it."

"That's the weirdest stuff you know about me?"

"As weird as you telling me two years ago you were in love with me, then staying with Lisa for those two years while I actually kept meeting you every Friday for lunch and looked forward to the love letters you used to write me. How weird am I to have tried to pretend I was going on with my life while always holding onto the hope that you would finally leave her. I think I'm weirder than you, Kasey."

"What if I showed you something about myself that I've kept a secret for probably longer than I've been in love with you?"

"I won't walk out, if that's what you're asking. Well, I won't walk out as long as it doesn't involve you telling me you're going back to Lisa or that you've got a dead body stashed somewhere." She paused, took a drink of the wine, and added with a laugh, "Although, the second part could be negotiable. The first part will get you this wine thrown in your face."

I grabbed the bag I'd thrown my miniskirt and high heels into and told Erica I'd be right back. Then I quickly drained my wine glass and went into the bathroom. I changed quickly, but then stood in front of the mirror for close to ten minutes before summoning the courage to walk out in front of Erica dressed the way I now was.

Finally, I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom.

Erica looked surprised, but not shocked. I expected her to gasp, or laugh, or completely freak out. Instead, she sat on the edge of the bed and looked me up and down before putting down her wine glass and saying, "Damn, you have better legs than I do."

"This is my secret," I said nervously. "I like to crossdress and I wanted you to know before, you know, we took this thing between us any further."

"Well," she said with barely a pause, "it doesn't freak me out or even bother me at all, really. I just have to say, though, that you look damn good in a skirt and heels."

She patted the bed next to her, urging me to sit down. I struggled a bit to walk over to her in my heels, which I wasn't used to walking in, despite all the experience I'd had during my coma. I sat down, still feeling very nervous and awkward, and she put her hand on my thigh.

"So, just so I know, is it just crossdressing or is it something more? You can be honest with me."

"I've never been with a man in any way, if that's what you mean."

"Do you ever think about it?"

"As far as I can remember, I've only been with women."

"That wasn't the question, baby, the question was whether you think about it? Do you fantasize about sex with men when you get dressed up like that?"

"Not really..."

"Do you remember when we went to that club a year or so ago? We went with Marci and Lisa. The club that had this drag night with all these drag queens dancing up on stage?"

"No."

"So, you don't remember how I said you should get up there and show them all up? You used to shave your legs, I knew that much, but I didn't know you crossdressed. I told you that with your legs you could have brought the house down, but you don't remember that."

"No, I don't remember that at all."