Moving On

White knuckled and breathless, my heart and head throbbing. The mattress cover was pull off one corner, clutched in my palm. I felt empty and scared. Tin tasting redness gathered at my lip and dripped into my mouth. Too distracted trying to breath, I could muster no conscious effort to cover my body. But then, I was alone, more alone then ever. I was used and discarded, and shaking so hard. The only thing that kept me from freezing must have been the heat still radiating from between my thighs. Until the span of 18 years, to a few moments ago, I was a virgin. The marks of my fathers hand showed red around my pale neck. My eyes were getting dry. I was running out of tears.

I had just gotten home that day from checking out colleges. I spent the weekend with two of my friends on a college campus. They were both more experienced then me, and were determined to experience college men. As much as they pleaded for my company, I turned them down. I had only had a few boyfriends in my life, the last had pressured me constantly into having sex, but I finally left him when I walked in on him and some girl. My friends wanted me to move on, and so they brought home three relatively good looking college age guys, they both took theirs to another part of the room, and left the tallest boy with me. We kissed even though I would have rather not, but when he touched my breast I shoved him off. I spent that night in my car on the phone with my brother. He didn't pry or rant, he didn't make threats to anyone who would hurt me, he just talked to me and it was exactly what I needed.

I came home on my birthday. My parents were separated and so my brother and dad were all the family I had. We spent the night together in front of the television, it wasn't much, but after the weekend it was nice to be around people I could feel comfortable with. We watched and made our little comments until it was late and my brother gave me a hug and went to bed. I snuggled up against my daddy and watched tv. He started saying things that seemed odd. Talking about how I had been developing into a woman. It made me uncomfortable so I said goodnight.

My bed was all made, crisp at the corners and folded just right. I thought he just came in to tuck is little girl in one more time before she became a woman. So I tried to comfort him. I said I wasn't all grown up, and I still needed him. He said I was, that he had been waiting.. As much as I screamed he wouldn't stop. His hand just got tighter around my neck. I woke up some time later, clutching my sheets and shaking, my body hurt all over, and burned between my legs. I looked down at my body as my thoughts collected, and I was sprinkled with blood. I still couldn't scream, or even be more frightened then I already was. I heard the bathroom sink run down the hall. When it cut off footsteps grew closer and closer. My brother walked into the room with a heavier sprinkle of blood on his shirt and arms and I stared up at his face. He looked me in the eye and nowhere else. The water on the cloth was warm, and he slowly cleaned the blood off of my body. I was terrified what would happen if my father came back in and saw him helping me.

"Get out of here Michael, if he sees you..." It was all I could do to try to protect him.

"He's not gunna hurt you any more Ash." That was all he said and he went back to cleaning me. I watched him for a moment and looked around my room. A stack of soiled blankets were covering something in the corner. And I knew where the blood had come from. I let go of the sheets for the first time and threw my arms around my brothers neck. I felt the heat of his hand on my back and held him as tightly as I could. I couldn't speak or breath.

"I wont ever let anyone hurt you again," That is what he said, and I believed him. He must have been so afraid to do anything.