All Comments on 'My Brother's Heartbreak Ch. 01'
by Thanmor
- 11 Comments
Break every sentence into a separate paragraph is annoying. Also, the narrative attributing who is talking are considered part of the same sentence.
<P>
"Why the face?"
<P>
Emily asked softly.
<P>
"Nothing just thinking."
<P>
He lied.
<P>
Uh, uh.
<P>
"Why the face?" Emily asked softly.
<P>
"Nothing, just thinking," he lied.
Your formatting of single sentence paragraphs is distracting and makes the story very difficult to get into
Incest? Where? I agree with the others. Badly written piece of brash. PLEASE DONT WRITE ANY MORE TILL YOU GET OUT OF GRAMMAR SCHOOL. 1 star is too many.
DragonRider55
I gave you a two, and only because there were a few parts of it that were good. Honestly, I wasn't even going to finish it when I first started reading it, but then I scrolled own, saw the comments, and I hate to discourage a writer who's trying to improve their craft. Now there's quite a bit going on here, and it needs a lot of work. Honestly I don't even remember every detail that was wrong with it, but as some have said, watch your grammar. You ended a lot of sentences with a comma instead of a period, switched tenses a few times, and had a few misspelled words. Nothing unusual about that. The story structure though, was all over the place. You jumped from the break up, to the short conversation, to an incredible quick masturbation scene, and then back to the couch with beer. There was no overarching story to it, just a lot of randomness stitched together. Writing is a very visual medium. The reader isn't watching this, so you have to describe what's going on, but also describe how it's making your characters feel. Its the emotion that draws the reader in, not just to sex. How do they feel? Is she disgusted with herself for being attracted to her brother? Is he outraged that she's attracted to him? Is he intrigued? Obviously this sin't all that there is to cover, but it's a good start. Think about this a bit, and give it another go. Don't let the haters discourage you from writing new things. You won't improve if your don't write and get feedback. Also, for God's sake, don't skip a line for every line of writing! It's confusing as hell.
I don't want to discourage you from writing but I can't make more of your story than that it is annoying to read.
I am nearly certain that English is not your native language so some allowance should be made for that and I would like to point out two things to help.
First. If a question is asked or a statement made it should be immediately followed by an attribution as to who is asking the question or making the statement, thus,
"Why the face?"
Emily asked softly.
Should read, “Why the face?” Emily asked softly.
Second. One sentence paragraphs should be rare and sentences split into two parts are unacceptable, thus,
‘Evan frowned as he realized just how much he had pushed his sister aside,
When his girlfriend had came around'.
should read,
'Evan frowned as he realized just how much he had pushed his sister aside when his girlfriend had come around'.
Notice also the change in tense of the word ‘came’ to ‘come’. 'Came' would be correct if it was not preceded by the word 'had'.
English is a difficult language and many who speak it as their first language do not understand its intricacies. Do not give up writing if you have a passion for it, but if you want to write in English and you want your readers to enjoy your stories, a modicum of education in word usage and grammar will be needed. I am not an expert by any means, I only want to help you improve your writing.
Lastly, please ignore some of the nasty comments made by readers on this site. I would wager that none of them have ever attempted to write a story and do not know how difficult that it can be to do so.
While your story may be hot, it is tough to read when the paragraph function is left out. I have used Zoomi69 as an editor. Read his profile and see if he can help. I did and found out he used to be an engineer lab tech writer. You might also want to add sex to the story and don't let it be a one pager.
Hopefully it turns to pure sex. So few have such a chance.