Nothing as Sexy as a Man in a Skirt Pt. 01

"If I turn the hose on and squirt them, reckon we can get them apart? I need to get home. Robbie might try to cook supper again. That ended badly the last time."

Amy just laughed. "Help me empty the van. We'll leave it to them to sort everything."

We broke apart and helped, getting it all inside. She told me she didn't work the next day and she would sort everything out then. I was glad, I didn't think she'd get half her clothes in my, er, our closet. She ordered pizza, opened a bottle of wine, and took me to bed to begin what I hoped would be the rest of our lives together.

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We had been together for four months, settling quickly into a domestic routine. Her time off varied wildly, so we spent as much time as we could together when it happened. She assured me in a little over a year she would have a more normal schedule.

"We need to house hunt, honey. This apartment isn't big enough."

She was snuggled to me after a bout of lovemaking. She had learned if she wanted something, this was the best time to ask for it.

"Big enough for what?" I asked idly, stroking her nipple. She pushed my hand away.

"Don't distract me. Children. This apartment is not big enough to raise our kids in."

I think I may have passed out. I know I went blank, because when I returned to my senses she was propped on her elbows, her hair falling onto my chest, while she looked at me with anxious eyes.

"Ewan, Ewan! Are you all right? I didn't mean to say that out loud. Forget about it."

I think she was shocked when I pulled her into me tightly, feeling the tears on her cheek.

When I calmed down, I kissed her with as much passion as I could muster.

"You're wrong, love of my life. We WILL be talking about it, very soon. Let me process it, all right?"

She agreed, happy I wasn't angry, and snuggled back down.

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I took Amy and Molly with me, swearing to quit the band if they told. Four jewelry stores before I found the right one. They were amazed.

"It's beautiful!" said Molly, admiring it on her finger. Amy had to have a turn, and I almost didn't get it back.

"It's so expensive!" she said, as I slid it off her finger, "Can you afford it?"

"I'm a Scot. We're a thrifty lot. Yes, I can afford it."

That Saturday, they were both grinning, looking at Manda. She noticed.

"What?" she said, "what are you up to?"

They put on innocent faces.

"Nothing. Just looking forward to tonight."

Luckily, she let it drop.

I waited until the second set. I was playing a slow tune on my accordion, solo. Stopping, I looked out over the crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let me ask you something. Do you know what luck is? Maybe providence would be a better word. It's when you get something, something you don't deserve, something you're not worthy of, but it becomes yours anyway. When that happens, if you have any integrity, you treasure it. You keep it safe from harm. You keep reminding yourself that you don't deserve it, and it's your responsibility to try to prove your worth to it the rest of your lives."

The bar had gone quiet, even the heavy drinkers were listening. It was as if they instinctively knew something important was about to happen.

"I've had some misfortune in my life. Lost my parents when I was very young. Lost my grandparents, who raised me lovingly. I was in the military, lost friends, people I had grown to love as only a comrade in arms can.

"My marriage failed, unexpectedly. For me, anyway. Then something happened, something so wonderful I still have a hard time believing it."

Amy had come up and helped remove the accordion, and Amanda found herself propelled onto the stage, the whole band pushing her. Her eyes grew wide, as I introduced her.

"This is Amanda Abasi. This is the wonderful thing I'm talking about. For unknown reasons that flies in the face of all I've come to expect, she loves me. "

I dropped to one knee, watching her dusky skin pale.

"And I love her, more than I could ever believe it possible to love someone. Amanda, honey, will you marry me, please?"

I held out the ring, watching her eyes glow as she slipped it on her fingers. Amy held a microphone to her lips.

"Yes," she said in a whisper, as she collapsed beside me.

The crowd erupted in cheers. Some of the women, including Amy and Molly, were crying. The guys took their places and started playing, while we stayed on our knees, kissing. I think I sat out three songs before I could recover enough to get back onstage.

We had a video crew filming our sets for a new audition DVD, so I got the whole thing on tape. I didn't know it, but they released it on YouTube as a prelude to a song. It got three hundred thousand hits, which I thought incredible, and made the Tub Thumpers well known.

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One of her friends back in Cardiff saw it, and told her mother.

To paraphrase the Queen, we were not amused. It was a pretty hot conversation.

"Amanda! What are you thinking? A Scot?"

She laughed. "It's worse than that, Mother. He's a Yank."

She couldn't talk for a second. "Really? Is he a doctor, too?"

"No, Mum. He works in a factory."

"A common factory worker? I forbid this. Amanda, you need to come home, get over this foolishness."

Amanda had thought it was pretty funny up until that. "Mum!" she said sharply, "I am home. I'll understand if you don't need to be at the wedding. Maybe I'll send you pictures. I'm going now. Goodbye, Mother."

You can't slam a cell phone, but it sure looked like she wanted too. I cuddled her.

"Don't worry, I'm sure she'll come around. Want me to talk to her?"

"No. Mum has always been a bit of a social climber. She had her heart set on me marrying a royal, you know Knight, Earl, that sort of thing."

I grinned into her hair, glad she couldn't see me.

"Maybe you will, someday."

She giggled. "I did get a Knight. Sir Ewan of North Carolina, who makes me feel like a Queen."

Her father came for a visit. He was a small man, five six or seven, maybe. I always thought the Masai were tall. Mandy was taller, five ten, and when she wore her four-inch heels she was exactly eye level with me. I liked that, a lot.

I don't think he liked me at first, but he didn't actually dislike me either. I found out where Amanda got her directness from, and wicked sense of humor.

"Are you going to be a good husband?" he asked, out of the blue.

"I'll do my best."

He tried to keep a straight face. "You better. I'm not giving the bride price back."

Amanda was watching us. In a tradition Masai wedding, the groom must gift the father with a black bull and two black cows, along with a ram and ewe. The ram is slaughtered for the wedding feast, and the rest of the livestock added to the family herds. You were also supposed to give the parents gifts of alcohol. I arranged to send her mother three cases, Scotch, of course. She never acknowledged the gift. Amanda and her Dad thought it was hilarious.

I did a little research, found out what top of the line cattle and sheep were going for, and presented him with a check. He was surprised when I did it, even more surprised I had taken the time to learn a little of their customs.

It was symbolic of course, he ran a successful business, and lived in a tenth floor condo.

He turned to his daughter.

"Daughter, I think you need to complete your necklace."

A Masai tradition, the bride must weave her own necklace, using materials important to her personally, and the tribe as a whole. I looked them up; they tended to be quite large.

She smiled, both shyly and proudly.

"I've been working on it since our first date, my father."

I don't know which of us was more surprised.

She asked me after he left what he meant when he said I was a senior warrior, the third highest rank in Masai culture, lower only to junior and senior elders. I told her I would explain every thing before the wedding.

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I had to admit, I couldn't understand why she chose me. Had a lot of sleepless nights, wondering if she would come to her senses one day and leave me. She was beautiful, young, obviously intelligent. I'd attended a few hospital functions with her, and while I'm not a toad, I still saw the looks from her friends and coworkers occasionally.

It led me to want to be more for her, so I sat down with the owner of my company.

James was a good man. He served three tours in Vietnam, and would have been a career man, but he got wounded badly at the end of his last tour. He was a strong supporter of vets, he even helped talk me into joining the National Guard at eighteen. His policies were very liberal, if you got called up, you could return with full seniority, and your service counted towards retirement. Over half his employees were vets.

"What can I do for you, son?"

"You know I'm getting married, right?"

"Of course I do. Anne and I expected to be seated on the grooms' side of the church."

"You will, sir. Right up front, but the reason I needed to talk to you isn't about that. I don't know if you know, but she's a doctor, almost done with residency. I know I don't deserve her, so I want to be able to prove myself worthy. If the offer is still open, I'd like to get into the management training program."

He'd been trying to get me into management for years. I never wanted to, before now.

He grinned. "Finally met someone who got you off your ass, huh? Good. Let me make a call."

He called HR. "Julie, I need you to change the salary structure for Ewan. He goes off hourly Monday. He'll be the manager trainee in finishing. Mark can actually retire now. I'll send him along in a bit, so you can explain the perks and expectations to him. Start him at the top of the trainee scale, all right? Yes I'll tell him. Thanks."

He looked at me and grinned at my expression.

"Well, go on then, she's waiting, and take tomorrow off, I'll make sure you get paid for it, a gift for finally making the right decision. Take your sweetie out, show her a good time. Don't be late, Monday."

I tried to thank him but he shooed me out, laughing.

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I followed his advice, surprising Manda by sweeping her into my arms and straight into the bedroom when I got home. Forty minutes later, when I thought I'd have to learn to walk again, I asked her what she wanted to do, because I was taking her out.

"Dance!" she said, happily.

"You got it, honey." I said, groaning inwardly.

We showered together, and she tried to play. "We can go out, or we can stay home and play. Your choice."

She smirked and said both, dancing first.

I was never so happy. We went to the club she favored, found some of her friends, and had a great time. I was getting our drinks at the bar, watching her move with grace as she danced together with her friends, when a man I didn't know slid in beside me, ordering a drink.

"You and Amanda are together, right? I'm Dr. Krall, her supervisor at the hospital."

He had an accent I couldn't place, I found out later he was from South Africa.

"Yes, we are." I said shaking his hand. I instantly disliked him, and wondered why.

"Well she's a beauty, to be a kaffer."

"She's Masai," I said, not understanding.

He laughed.

"No, kaffer means black, you know, a darky. I'm surprised a Southern man like you would go out with her, knowing your heritage. She is quite attractive,though, I wouldn't mind a few discreet encounters with her, myself. What's the word you people use again? Nig..."

That was all he got out before I slammed his head into the bar, and shoved him into a corner. I held him up, my face in his.

"If you ever talk about my future wife like that again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to where you come from. If I hear about any blow back from this little conversation, you'll need your own team of doctors. Get the fuck out of here, before I start now."

He stumbled out holding his nose. I may have broken it.

I came back with her drink just as the song ended. She took one look at my face and her smile died.

"What's wrong, love?"

"I just ran into something disagreeable, but I'm fine now."

I gave her a big kiss while her friends giggled. When I let her come up for air, she said: "Home! Now, you caveman."

The girls heard her, and when I grabbed her and threw her over my shoulder, they howled.

We spent a very pleasant night.

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She gave me the evil eye when she got home the next day, mumbling in Masai. I'm pretty sure I didn't want a translation.

"Honey, have I ever introduced you to my boss?"

"I don't think you have, love. Why?" It was the truth, SHE had never introduced us.

"Because I was on the sixth floor, showing my ring to the nurses at the station, and mentioned your name. There was a crash behind me, and when I turned around Dr. Krall was standing behind me. I helped him pick up his clipboard and laptop. When we stood up, I was stunned. He had a big bruise on his nose and both his eyes were black. I asked what happened, and he said he'd run into something. Any comment?"

"Only that as long as we are together I'll never allow you to be treated with disrespect or cruelty."

She sighed.

"He's my boss. If you piss him off, he could make things difficult for me. He controls the schedule; he can find out your hours and make mine the exact opposite. Do you want that? I don't. So if the occasion arises and you are in his company, behave."

"I'll be as polite as the situation calls for," I promised faithfully.

She gave me a flat stare before she smirked. "I must admit, his raccoon imitation was quite amusing to the staff. He's not very popular."

That was all that was ever said about that.

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"Ewan, old boy. How are you? I'm in New York, business you know. Dreadfully boring. I'd like to see you. Shall I come down, or make transportation arrangements?"

"Colonel, excuse me, Lord MacLiesh, how are you? I'm afraid I can't get away, but I'd like to see you. I've become engaged, and I'd like you to meet her."

Lord Archibald MacLeish, Earl of Ferth, old friend, comrade in arms, and my commanding officer for four and a half years.

"Come Ewan, I'll always be just Colonel to you lads. So, a lassie has finally captured your heart. I hope she's better than your last. Dreadful girl, really; I never liked her, but didn't want to interfere. Good riddance."

That was the Colonel, right to the point.

"Oh, I think you'll like her. You've always fancied the pretty ones."

We talked for awhile, setting times. I'm sure Amanda will be impressed. He could be quite charming, if the mood struck him.

"Does she know our history?"

"No, Colonel. I'd like to tell her at the right time, so please don't bring it up."

He smiled.

"You Americans, so modest. All right, me lad, we'll do it your way; but you need to tell her before the wedding. As soon as I tell Fergus and Colin, they'll want to come to the wedding, and you know how loose their tongues can be when they're in their cups."

"I will, sir. I promise."

We talked for a few more moments before he rang off.

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"Amanda, honey, I have an old Army friend coming by. I really want you to meet him, he means a lot to me. I'm sure he and his wife will be at the wedding."

"Finally," she giggled, "someone to tell me about your sordid past. I can't wait."

She was definitely impressed when she met him. He was only five five, and weighed no more than one thirty; but he had what can only be described as a 'commanding' presence. It was all I could do not to snap to attention. He was about fifty-seven, but he was anything but a mild little man.

His family had been in service to the Crown since there was a Crown. They had been at Waterloo, on the high seas, every skirmish and action possible all the way up to and including both world wars, and everything since, including the Falklands, Iraq and Afghanistan. One of his ancestors had even been military governor there in the eighteen seventies.

Despite having to walk with a cane, his bearing was still military.

He took us out to dinner, telling her in general terms that we had served together in the Middle East and Scotland, and that I was a loyal and trusted friend. He had her charmed after the first hour, making her promise to visit him in Ferth as soon as possible.

She snuggled up to me as we drove away from dropping him at the airport. She knew me too well.

"Well, he dropped enough hints to pique my curiosity. When are you going to tell me the real history between you? He made it seem like an interesting tale."

I tightened a bit.

"Very soon, love. Before the wedding, I promise."

I sat in thought after she went to sleep. Wonder what she'd think of my tale?

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As always, thank you for your time. There will be two more parts to this story, both already finished, so there won't be much of a wait.

Q