Revenge of the Nerd Ch. 38

Jen parked in my drive at 7:30.

She started to gush about Rich. He was really interested in what she had to say. She could tell the difference.

Sure, guys know they're supposed to appear fascinated. He'd also learned to do that for his business.

But there is just so long you can take it without a flicker, a dart of the eyes, a movement of the mouth that gives you away. He hadn't done any of that. His follow-up questions proved she had his attention.

That was quite a bit for her to fit in before the other five girls finished wandering in. The last one arrived just before eight. We decided to take two cars so we wouldn't be too crowded but would not require a bunch of parking spaces.

It being hump day, it was possible to locate a decent-sized bar with a live band, or maybe it was a small club, I don't know.

"Barkeep," said Jen, "beers all around."

"What kind?" he asked.

We all laughed and we hadn't even started to drink.

"Sorry, just kidding," said Jen, and we proceeded to give the hunk our separate orders.

On a night when a band is playing, the bars try to bring in their most beautiful people to tend bar. It isn't enough to provide the excitement of a band, they want to create as much traffic as possible to create the illusion of a place everybody wants to go. They want it to be so crowded they can't fit in everyone who comes out to be there as manifested by a long line outside.

Being served by attractive, flirtatious people gives the patrons an additional incentive to bring their business.

It was crowded but there were three guys who were chivalrous enough to share their fairly large table. It might have been hope rather than chivalry.

One by one the girls were asked to dance and accepted if they felt the guy was suitable.

I was getting looks but most of them were too afraid to approach me; Remedios the Beauty.

Finally an athletic, good-looking guy either worked up the nerve or drank enough to enable him to try. He looked kind of interesting.

"If I said you had a beautiful body..."

"I'd say, 'I'll be stone-cold dead before you get any closer than you are now.'

"And let me tell you, I appreciate all the thought you put into such a creative approach."

A guy at the next table said, "Ouch."

I turned to him and asked, "And your approach is?"

I waited fifteen to twenty seconds before I said, "Oh, I see. That was it."

Let's see, Bask in the warmth of your presence as a rose resumes its growth when revived from the chill of the night by the morning sun, and be nourished by the sound of your sweet voice, versus if I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me.

I know it came from a country song, but it probably came from countless, nameless bars before that, well before I was in diapers. It was hard to find a place to even start to make a comparison between Jeff and everybody else.

I finished my drink and went to the bar to order another.

Was that why Jeff was so anxious to join me tonight? Was he afraid I'd meet someone? Silly boy. When comparing Jeff to all other available men, well, there really wasn't any way to make a comparison. Jeff was one of a kind. So why was I getting so annoyed with him lately?

A few of the girls returned and toasted to my birthday. We all got refills. They also got refills on dancing partners.

I started to look around for someone to dance with myself. I couldn't decide what flavor I preferred tonight: a cocky guy I could cut down to size or a quietly confident guy that didn't require as much work.

I wasn't able to identify any of the second type - they're much more rare - so I picked out a tall, solidly built, handsome guy whose body language said he was God's gift to the fairer sex.

I got up and walked over to him.

I stopped, looked him in the eyes and said, "Let's dance."

Then I walked to the dance floor fully trusting that he would follow.

He did after pausing to get over his surprise.

He was a good dancer and I guess he was gaining confidence the longer I danced with him.

By the third fast song I was shaking it pretty good. He put his hands on my waist and spun me around. He pulled me close and started grinding against my butt. It was pretty big.

"Oh, yeah, grind it bitch," he said in a loud voice. "How do you like that weapon?"

Weapon? What has he been watching?

"Turn me around. I want to feel it."

He spun me around.

I reached down and grabbed his nuts in a vise grip.

"You're lucky," I said.

I squeezed just a bit harder.

"I don't usually wait for a second 'bitch' before I cut them off."

He was up on his tiptoes as if that would somehow let him escape. His face seemed to shrink as his grimace tightened.

I stepped on his foot and started to put my weight on it. Hey, I could have just stomped.

"No girl deserves to be treated like this," I said.

I gave an extra little squeeze and released him. He sank to the floor.

"Thanks for the dance," I said as I walked back to our table.

The nice little buzz I had was gone from the adrenaline. I would have to start over.

"Is that some new kind of dance?" asked Jen.

The other girls giggled. I guess my actions had not been subtle. Good. Maybe the lesson would survive tonight.

"I may hold classes," I said.

I'd never thought about it because I always came with a man, but being unapproachably beautiful has its downside too - you don't get approached.

After another round the girls started to bring back someone sent for me by their partners.

"A girl should get to dance with somebody on her birthday," said Barb.

Lovely. I was being treated like the ugly girl.

But I didn't refuse. A girl should get to dance with somebody on her birthday.

I had fun. I got drunk. I think the other girls did, too. When you're drunk, you're not exactly in the best condition to judge the sobriety of others. This was a nice tradition and it provided a kind of intermezzo from Jeff.

I would correct that situation as soon as I could tomorrow because even the dullest day with Jeff was better than the most exciting day with anybody else.

We gathered ourselves up and made our way out around midnight. All the other girls, with the possible exception of Jen, had gotten names and numbers.

These were probably not guys they would pursue seriously, but they would be a good time.

We looked for Jen's car first. It wasn't that easy to find due to our disorientation.

"Hey," said Jen, "somebody's blocking my door."

Sure enough there was a dark blue Ford Explorer with its bumper inches from her door. We gawked. Nobody knew what to say.

The front doors of the Explorer opened and two men got out. The one on the driver's side looked surprising like Jeff. The passenger was older and looked a lot like Rich. They smiled at us.

"Hey," said Jen, waving her arm. The movement almost toppled her. "Get out of the way. We have to be get going gone from here." She giggled.

The passenger guy laughed and said, "You're not even capable of speaking safely, let alone driving. Give me the keys, Jen."

It took her about thirty seconds. "Rich?"

He walked over to her and gave her a quick kiss before scrunching up his face and pulling it away from hers.

"Whew," he said. "Pick two girls to come with us and I'll drive them home."

Again she just stood there for a while.

"Barb and Barbie."

"You're kidding," he said.

"No. Barb and Barbie."

He turned to the driver of the Explorer and asked, "What would they do if there was a third Barbara?"

"Babs?" suggested the man.

After Jen gave Rich her keys, the driver backed up the Explorer so the two Barbaras and Jen could get in Jen's car.

"Everybody else get in with Jeff," said Rich.

Wow. Not only did the driver look like Jeff, he had the same name.

We were not nasty drunk. We were dazed and confused, compliant drunk so we followed his instructions.

He asked each of the other three girls her name and where she lived. He told us he would be driving Naomi home first. He hadn't asked me where I lived.

I felt him shaking me from outside my open door.

"Time to go in, Ashley," he said.

He supported me as we walked to my front door.

I awoke at noon. My head was pounding. I was in my bed, naked.

As I tried to reconstruct what had happened last night, I concluded that the two men who looked like Jeff and Rich had been Jeff and Rich.

Naomi was supposed to have been the first girl taken home so I called her.

She confirmed that it was my Jeff and told me her keys had been pushed through her mail slot and her car was in her driveway.

She remembered Jeff taking her home, helping her up to her bedroom and leaving. I guess he reserved the undressing for me.

I needed to talk to him. This distance had gone on long enough. I called.

"Jeff, can I see you tonight?"

"You see me every night you don't go out of your way to make sure I stay out of your way."

He never gave an inch except for when he dressed up like a clown for my party.

"Dinner?" I asked.

"I'll pick you up at 6:30."

I might be able to spin it with Jeff, that did work sometimes, but I had no illusions. This problem was the result of my efforts to keep him away from the celebration of my legal right to purchase and consume as much alcohol as I wanted.

I didn't even succeed.

He prevented us from driving, which is all he said he wanted to do in the first place. And I was annoyed at him for that.

I was one messed up little girl.