Same Old, Same Old

I suddenly felt someone pressing a cup into my hand. I sipped at it, tasting the icy beer. I turned to thank whoever handed it to me, and there she was. Beth was drinking from her own red plastic cup (required by law in a party) and smiling like an idiot. She just stood there. Right next to me. As if she belonged there, her arm occasionally touching mine as she moved to the music. She was right there. Just...there.

"Jesus Christ. Would you fucking get lost?" I said. You should have seen it. She went from having a real time - enjoying herself, feeling pretty good, and then she seemed to shrink. My friends got quiet. I swear to you I barely noticed. You look back on something like that - you see it in slow motion. You see it frame by frame. It's all right there. But then? Nah.

She looked sick. Her eyes went from me to my friends and then to the floor. She set the cup down and almost ran from the room. No one said anything. Except me. I, apparently, couldn't shut my goddamn mouth.

"Fucking hell."

Twenty minutes later, I couldn't find her. I mean, how old was she, right?

Say one thing to her and she breaks down? Jesus. All I could think was how much my parents would scream and rant if they found out I made her leave. Wasn't anything they could do to me, but it just wasn't worth the effort to hear it.

I left the party, swearing to the air around me as I got in the car. There wasn't much of a list of directions she could have gone, I told myself as I backed over soft grass and broken cups. Something on my tires smelled, and I hoped it was beer and not piss.

I drove down the road, my high beams on, looking for her. Five minutes down the highway, almost to the main road heading into the city, I found her. She was walking along the side of the highway with her arms hugged tight to her ribs. I pulled up along side of her. Her clothes turned white as the light rolled along her body. I was going to honk, or say something stupid, and then I saw her face. She was crying. STILL crying. Her shoulders shook and her face was a painful mask of hurt. She would wipe at her eyes and then tuck her hands back under her arms.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I mean, fuck.

I pulled to the side, watching her walk in the lights. I jumped out and ran up to her.

"Get in the car, Beth," I said. Gently? I tried. I don't know. She just kept crying and walking.

"Beth," I said. "Come on. Just get in the car." I tried to take her arm, but she yanked it away and kept going.

"You can't walk all the way home, Beth." I walked after her. "Dammit, get in the car. Just stop it."

She stopped walking but didn't stop crying. I walked around in front of her again. I was getting angry and just wanted to leave. Screw the party, I didn't care about that anymore.

"Why are you so mean to me?" she cried softly.

"What?" My mouth went dry and I felt numb. The way she said it. Awful.

"Why are you so mean to me? Why do you hate me?" she sobbed.

"I - I don't hate you."

"Yes you do," she said earnestly. "You do."

"Beth," I said as gently as I could, "I don't hate you."

"I want to go home," she said, covering her face.

"I'll take you. I'm not going back to the party."

"No."

"No what?"

"I'm gonna walk."

"You can't walk. Come on. Get in. I won't say anything."

"I don't understand," she said, sniffing and starting to stop her sobbing.

"What?"

"How can we do what we do, together, and you still treat me like dirt. You humiliate me and make me feel like I'm worthless."

"Beth..." I just stood there. "Beth, just get in the car." She turned around and walked to the passenger side and got in.

"Are you hungry?" I asked her. She just stared out the window. "We can stop somewhere and get something. My treat."

"I just want to go home," she said in a hollow voice. We didn't talk again the whole drive back. When we got there, she walked up the front porch and unlocked the door. I was right behind her. I quietly shut and bolted the door and followed her up the stairs. She went down to her room and shut the door behind her. I'm not sure what I expected she was going to do.

I stared at the door a minute wondering what I was supposed to do. Sex had become a part of our lives. We fight, we fuck. We didn't fight just to fuck. And I don't think we fucked just because we fought.

I went to my room. I sat on my bed, not turning on the light. I just sat there. I was still holding my car keys.

I wasn't completely stupid. I knew that I'd crossed a kind of line that night. Or maybe it was the last straw. Or maybe she cried like that every time. Maybe she was worse off than I thought. Whatever the case, I knew I'd really done wrong. I just kept picturing her waking down the road, crying.

I didn't know why I said the things I said. I don't try to do it. I don't. But there it is.

My first year of college, Beth was enjoying her final year of high school. A guy named David Doores left her at a restaurant on a date. She told him she didn't like the way he was touching her. Her left her there. I found him a few days later. He was a big guy. My age. Worked out. We went at it for ten minutes. It took some doing, but I got him down. Broke his arm. He nearly busted my ribs. Fucked him up.

I sat on my bed and wondered what I was supposed to do. I thought about going across the hall and trying to make peace. But then I realized she wasn't going to listen. Suddenly I realized that I'd never cared before. I didn't want to care then.

It was bad enough that my sister and I were having sex regularly. Sometimes I'd get home go to her room and we'd fuck for an hour. We'd sneak into the garden shed and she'd suck me off before dinner. But if we were going to start thinking it was something more - that couldn't happen. I knew she had crazy notions. But I couldn't. As long as one of us could still see the shore from the boat, we were fine. But if I couldn't keep it detached - that just couldn't happen.

Her door opened. She turned off her light. My room was dark. I saw her shape in the dim light of the moon. She came into my room. She was naked. The way she moved made my cock hard.

"I'm not a good guy, Beth," I said so soft I could barely hear myself. The words were out of my mouth before I could think. "You just have to understand that." Maybe that was what she needed to hear. Maybe, I thought.

"Yes, you are."

"I'm not. We have to stop this. This is just going to screw up your life. Won't matter for me. I'm always going to be unhappy. But you can't do this."

"I love you."

"Don't fucking say that. Don't you fucking say something like that. You LOVE me? What the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid little slut?" I spat. She jerked back as though I'd stung her. Her hand started to reach out for me.

"Have you fucking lost your mind?" I snarled. I smacked her hand away. She yanked it to her breast. "All we do is fuck. Get it? You don't love me, and I don't fucking love you." I could hear her swallow as she stood there.

"You wonder why I'm so mean to you?" I stood up. I could see her wide, wet eyes in the moonlight. "Because you are a God damned stupid little girl." Her hand came up to her mouth and she tried not to cry.

"But we..." she trailed off, her mouth having trouble forming words as she cried. "I thought we were..."

"What? You thought we were a couple? Did you think I was going to take you around and tell everyone you were my special favorite girl?" She choked on a sob. "Did you think we'd just run off and live together forever? Maybe we could get a house together? Hmm? Sure. We could pretend to be married. Wouldn't that be like a fairy tale come true? Fucking idiot. You're someone I can fuck, Beth."

She turned and ran to her room. I watched her shut her door and then I heard her crying. Sobbing. Great, racking sobs. I just stood there listening to her. I could feel a pit forming in my stomach. Finally, she quieted down. I didn't hear anything. I don't know how long I listened. I just remember realizing I was on the floor and I didn't recall sitting down.

I woke up in the dark. She was there. Standing over me. Her hand was brushing my hair back. Shadows on her face changed. I think she smiled.

It was as if a hole opened under me and I just kept falling. I took her by the arm and pulled her to the bed. She was still naked. I was too. I didn't remember taking my clothes off.

"Matt-" I clamped my hand over her mouth. I leaned over her.

"Don't fucking talk. Don't." I couldn't quite manage to get angry. I pulled my hand away and reached down between us. I pushed in all the way, making both of us gasp. I saw her smile.

"Stop it," I told her. I closed my eyes and started fucking her. Hard. She thought this was some kind of make-up sex. Fucking...it was just US. It was what we had become. If she'd just left it alone, and gone to bed, the next morning we would have been different. If she'd been able to see, just for a second what we really were, we would have been fine. I opened my eyes.

As I held myself over her, sliding in and out of her tight cunt, listing to her moan softly, feeling her breath on my face - as I did this, I told her how much I hated her. I told her how stupid she was. THIS, I ground out, was why I did what I did. It was her fault.

She clamped her legs to my sides and pulled me tight with each thrust. Her moans turned to faint sobs and her hands covered her face. We were a spiraling mess of a car wreck.

We didn't talk the rest of the night. She slept in my bed and, so help me, I held her as tight to my body as I could possibly manage. She was killing me a little at a time.

Have you ever felt a crying girl cum?

* * * * *

You have to understand that this wasn't a few weeks. We didn't do this for a month. This tornado that was our life, raged quietly for a year. Holidays, birthdays, everyday - it went on much longer than it should ever have done.

Beth had changed in that year. We still argued and fought. But when we were alone, when we were sitting together at night, she was sweet and gentle and she drove me nuts. Her hair was long by then. It brushed my skin when she leaned over to suck me. She still cried, because I was still a first-rate jackass.

I still told her she was stupid. But even I hardly believed me anymore.

She sat in my chair with me at night. Her naked body settling into mine as we played some idiot CD she liked. I was a wreck. Worst of all - the absolute nail in my coffin, was the dawning realization that I loved her. I treated her like hell. I did everything I could to drive her away. I did it for her. When she laid under me and tears streamed down her face as I fucked her, I would inwardly cheer. This was it, I would think. She'd finally had enough. When I would feel the soles of her feet on my hips as I pushed deep into her cunt, I would want to scream in frustration because she was forgiving me all over again.

I finished school. Beth and I celebrated together after our parents went to bed. It was just like every other night. But this time I didn't tell her she was stupid. I didn't get mad at her and tell her to shut-up. When I came inside her, I leaned down and whispered in her ear.

"I love you."

She pulled me down and held me inside her while she cried. She kissed me until I pulled out of her. The joy on her face was a wonder. Truly, it was a thing to treasure. Something inside was screaming at me.

Beth slept peacefully curled up on my bed. She was naming our children in her dreams. I packed everything I could manage. I didn't wake her. I just moved silently. As I pulled my car out of the drive an hour before sunrise, I knew this was all I could do. I would always be unhappy. I was just that kind of guy. She would have better. I wasn't going to let her screw up like me. That's why I did everything I did. That's why I did it. Me leaving - that gave her a chance.

It was all I could do.

* * * * *

END.

Author's note: As always, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. It was a little different in theme than usual, so for those expecting more of the same, thanks for hanging in there. I would invite you to take the time to vote if you are so inclined, and I love to read all the feedback you wish to send my way. Thanks.

-Bob Clark Jr.