Seven Sisters

"I don't want to hurt you. I really, really don't. That makes it very difficult to make a decision."

"Listen, Stacy, not wanting to hurt me isn't the same thing as love. I told you before, don't lie to yourself. Don't try to convince yourself that you either love me or don't love me.

I'm certainly no expert on love but I'm very sure you'll know when you're in love without having to talk yourself into it."

"Ray, I couldn't ask for a better brother... I need to sleep on my thoughts. Night."

Other than that one time our kisses have been pecks on cheeks, lips and foreheads. She gives me a peck on the cheek before going back to her room. Before she gets there I tell her I have to leave early to be part of an experiment, so won't see her till the evening.

Didn't sleep much, so was up very early to head into the lab. Some snow had fallen, so it was a slow ride to the lab. Made me happy. Right!

I was pretty exhausted by the time I got home about 8. Stacy wasn't there, so I made dinner and plopped on the sofa to watch the news. Stacy returned about 9. She and Grace had gone to dinner.

Grace, Stacy and I have gotten closer. She still flirts with us but we know she isn't serious - at least not with Stacy. Stacy and Grace have really gotten close. Stacy needs a friend, so I'm happy. There's enough of Grace to go around so I'm not excluded.

Stacy joins me on the sofa. "Sometimes I wish I was still gay. Grace is so alive. I can tell her anything and she's less judgmental than Dr. Susan."

"Glad you have a real friend."

"I asked her if I could move in with her if I needed to."

Fuck! What a bombshell! I imagine my face fell low enough that my jaw landed on my chest. "OK."

"She said yes, as long as you do, too."

"What? What? What?"

"I told her about your no-guy rule. She agrees with you. She said that if I want to date guys to do it gradually. It's a whole lot different from dating women. I also needed to get on birth control ASAP. Then she said something that really shook me up. She asked me why I would want to go out with any guy when I have the best in the world living with me."

"Holy shit! She said that?"

"Ray, she knows we are brother and sister. She doesn't give a rat's ass about that and doesn't think we should care either. I trust Dr. Susan's skills but I think I trust Grace's instincts more. Grace speaks from the heart.

So, first thing in the morning, I'm going to the clinic and get on the pill. Sorry, Ray, but I do want to try dating but will adhere to the no-guy rule."

I won't pretend that makes me happy but what can I do? "All right."

She doesn't go out that weekend, although we do go to the watering hole. She doesn't think that's right to date any of the guys there. If she did, then it would be obvious that we had broken up, effectively ending her participation with the group. She does end up with dates both Friday and Saturday with different guys.

I take her to see Dr. Susan. When she comes out, she shakes her hand. Stacy says that's the last session. Dr. Susan thinks they're at the point of diminishing returns. She's available on an emergency basis.

When Friday arrives, I tell Stacy "If you don't mind, I'll be in my room when your date arrives and when you return. That goes for Saturday."

"Don't you want to meet and approve him?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. You're over 21 so you don't need my approval and...Well I'd just rather not know anything."

Stacy does go out both nights. She's home about midnight both times. I just hang out in my room the entire times she's out.

This is the story for the next few weeks. She's out Fridays and Saturdays and I'm in my room or at the lab.

One Sunday she says she has a repeat date Friday. Maybe somebody will ask her out for Saturday. I simply shrug.

I start working long hours in the lab. Going in before she gets up and returning home well after 10. I think I run into her once before Friday. By Friday I'm kind of beat. Knock off about 6 and go to the watering hole. Since this the first time in a while I get asked about Stacy. "Busy."

Ended up getting pretty hammered and not getting back home till about 2. Didn't know if Stacy was home yet. Went right to bed. Am still hungover when I get up about 10. Stacy is finished breakfast and sitting the living room reading the paper.

"Morning." I manage to croak while grabbing a cup of coffee.

She looks up briefly to respond. "Morning. Looks like you had a rough night."

"Yeah, had a few at the watering hole. Think I shut the place down. Long week."

"Are you avoiding me? I hardly saw you last week."

"Not trying to avoid you. We're in the middle of an experiment that goes on 24/7. I think it's an important one, so want to be involved as much as possible."

"Oh, why aren't you there now?"

"We ran out of liquid helium and won't get a resupply until Tuesday."

"I still think you're avoiding me."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you don't like me going out?"

"Well, I don't like you going out. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. I'm not about to ask or tell you not to do it. I'm also not avoiding you for any reason."

"You'll be happy to know that I have a date for tonight."

"I have a date with Gloria this evening, so won't be around anyway."

"What? You're taking Gloria out? We've always gone out - all three - together."

"You've got a date. In the interest of fairness, the same no-girl rule will apply to me. I kind of feel Gloria isn't bound by the rules since she's friends to both of us, though."

She jumps up, slams down the paper and heads towards her room. She stop before her door and says "Maybe I should ditch the rules?"

"Your choice. However, if you do I'll be moved out by Monday."

"I don't think you would."

"There's only one way to find out. Only one thing: It's irreversible. As soon as I leave we will never again share an apartment or a house."

I try to appear to be calm and in control but inside? Nothing is calm. I'm sure this is the end of anything other than a distant brother-sister relationship. I hope she backs off and we return to a more normal relationship. She's probably too mad and committed to the directions she's going to back down.

She doesn't say anything for a few seconds before turning and going into her bedroom. That seems hopeful as at least she's not screaming at me.

After about an hour she finds me in the kitchen making lunch. "Want something for lunch?"

"A ham sandwich sounds appetizing."

So, I make her one, too. We sit at the table and eat. Not saying anything. Finally, she breaks the silence. "If I break my date for tonight will you break yours with Gloria? Or include me?"

"One question: Is this local or global?"

"What do you mean?"

"Local is just you break your date this one time with this one guy. Global is breaking it for all guys."

"Is there anything in between? Can I break this date and just draw back from going out several times a week?"

"All right. Not interested at this point in making you chose life with or without me. I'll tell Gloria you'll be joining us."

The tension decreased dramatically. I don't ask her about her previous dates and she volunteers nothing. Alas, nothing has been put to rest. We have a major split in our closeness. It no longer feels like we can tell each other everything. Maybe it started with Dr. Susan or maybe with her dating. Don't know. One thing I'm pretty sure of is that we will never be as close to each other as we were when we returned from visiting home. My ups and downs. Sometime, feels like I should just say fuck it and let her do what she wants and forget about ever being more than a brother.

We pick up Gloria and go to one of the bars that isn't too fastidious about checking IDs. Unfortunately, there are cops there and 100% ID check. Since Gloria is only 20, we try another one. Same thing (We later find out the police just decided to crack down on underage drinking.). So we end up having dinner and stopping by the liquor store.

We're laughing and having a lot of fun; i.e., lots to drink. Now I'm not too drunk to see that Stacy and Gloria are skirting around anything related to Stacy's dates. Neither says anything about them. Finally, I get the courage to ask directly "I can leave the room if you guys want to talk about Stacy's dates... Or, I guess you've already talked about them and don't want me to know... "

From the looks on their faces, I guessed correctly. "Sorry, I'm the fifth wheel on this buggy. So, I'll wish you both a good night."

I have trouble standing but start to stagger towards my room when both of them take my arms and return me to the sofa. "We don't want you to go. Please stay." Says Stacy.

Gloria echoes the request. I reluctantly allow them to keep me there and question both with only my eyes.

"Ray, I want you to believe that I'm still exploring. I've lived in the gay world for so long and so much has been indoctrinated into me. I have to see if I can function in the "normal" world. That means going out with guys and meeting them for coffee, and the like. I know I can function with you but can that work for the rest of our lives? I'm really trying not to hurt you. Earlier today when I poked you about another date. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that nor provoked an argument. Please forgive me."

"OK."

Gloria now piped in "Ray, try to understand. She doesn't want to hurt you but she can't put her feeling into words, yet."

"Do either of you think that by not saying anything, it makes it better? That's pretty stupid. You imagine I don't have an imagination? You think I'm not asking myself about what she's doing on her dates? Maybe making out in a car? Or visiting his apartment? Or giving him a blowjob on the front porch?

Fuck. I don't know, and maybe I shouldn't know but I can't help thinking a thousand things. And now you guys just keep evading all reference to the dates. It's apparently so bad that you can't tell me.

This is where we were a couple of minutes ago."

"Ray, I give you my word of honor that nothing has happened between any of them and me other than them getting good night kisses."

"I believe that you left off a word: yet. No?"

Stacy didn't say anything. She didn't have to. Her look told me all I needed.

"That's obviously why you didn't say anything about dating. It's called deception by omission."

"Ray, I won't lie to you. You're right. And maybe you're also wrong. I really, really don't know what I want. I don't know how far I'm prepared to go."

"I think that instead of spreading your wings, you're preparing to spread your legs. I also think that you're planning on using Gloria's place to evade the no-guy rule. Another lie by omission."

"Gloria, I'm not going to put you on the spot. You're Stacy's friend and your loyalty is to her. You and I will now also have a serious trust issue.

Good night, ladies."

This time they let me go. Just before I get to my door I hear Stacy cry to Gloria "I really fucked this up, didn't I?"

I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water in the kitchen. They were leaning into each other on the sofa, sound asleep. I pick up Stacy and carried her to her room. Throw some cover over her and return to the living room. I take off Gloria's shoes and stretch her out on the sofa, under a blanket.

There begins to be signs of life about 9:30. I shower and make a big pot of coffee. Gloria sits up and then runs to the bathroom. She quickly returns. "God, I need some of that coffee."

"Help yourself. You know where the sugar is."

"Thanks. Got any aspirin?"

"Next to the sugar."

About a half hour later, she says she's starting to feel human again. About that time Stacy comes in for her cup of coffee. "Would you ladies like some breakfast or do you feel like going out for some?"

"All I can take is coffee and some dry toast." Stacy, and confirmed by Gloria.

I put the bread in the toaster, finish my cereal, and grab another cup of coffee. We all sit around the table, drinking coffee. Nobody says a word.

Finally, I say "I'm going to the lab for a while. Have a good Sunday."

Stacy says "Please, Ray, can we talk? Try again from last night?"

"No deceptions this time?"

"No deceptions."

Stacy begins "Ray, you previously said that I should try going out with other men but just couldn't bring them home. It seems the rules have changed."

"Of course things change. Love isn't static. It's dynamic. I love you more, while you love me less."

"Oh."

"Stacy, if I were unselfish, completely in love, I'd just tell you to go fuck everything with a dick. Have your fun and I'll be waiting. Sorry, I'm human and the idea of other men fucking you turns my stomach. I just can't stay here with that. So, I'll move into the graduate student dorms and you can pursue all the cock on campus."

"Ray, I really don't want you to leave. I do love you."

At that point, Gloria asks Stacy "Are you still hung up on that shit Dr. Susan gave you? Why do you want to slut around when you've got a great guy sitting in that chair?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do. Don't try to bullshit me. I know she got on to you about incest. Bet she said that you could shop around and that if nothing really interested you, you could go back to your brother - only as a last resort. True?"

Stacy looked sheepish and nodded her head.

Gloria turned to me. "Ray, what happens if she keeps to her plan of getting some cock, other than yours?"

"I simply move out."

"And..."

"That's it. Means she's just another one of my sisters. She's free to move out and, at least we remain as we are: friends."

"What's the difference if you move out or she moves out?"

"If I move then my ignorance allows me to deny what she's doing. If she moves out it's an admission that she planning on having sex with one or more guys."

Gloria then returns to Stacy. "Is that what you want? I just don't understand you, girl."

Stacy says "Suppose I give you my solemn word of honor nothing sexual will happen with any man as long as we're living together. Would you stay?"

"Sure. We don't play word games like Clinton, though. Sex means hand jobs, blowjobs, sex and any other activity that a rational person would conclude as sex. OK?"

"I give you my word of honor."

"Stacy, how long will you keep to the so sex rule? If I simply move out or you move out, then, yes, it'll hurt but there's no betrayal of trust."

"I gave you my word, Ray."

I still feel uneasy. I've backed her into a corner and made her promise under duress. She's likely not to take that with as much vigor as she should. Additionally, if she does stay here for the summer and fall, is she still going to want the follow the no-guys rule? Find that difficult to believe. It feels like everything is slipping away. What if she finds a way to weasel out of her word?

So, I apply to a grad school on the east coast. Since, even as a first year grad student, I have two publications in refereed journals, it'll be very easy to transfer. In fact, I get a call almost immediately asking when I can start. I say "Not sure yet. It will either be this summer or latest by September."

"Fine, just let us know. We do have funds to help you move."

Stacy continues to go out once or twice a week. I just retreat to my room.

Then, just before finals (For her. Mine are finished.), she's out on a date and I get a call from one of my grad school friends. "Ray, I'm drunk and somebody lifted my wallet. I'm at The Spot. Can you give me a lift?"

"Sure, Jay. I'll be there in 15 minutes."

"Really appreciate it."

I get there and Jay has to make an emergency run to the john. As I wait, I see Stacy in a booth making out with a guy. They're kissing up a storm. He has one hand under her skirt, all the way to her panties, assuming she has panties on. Her legs are spread, giving him complete access. His other hand is under her unbuttoned shirt, probably under her bra as well. Meanwhile, her hand is rubbing his crotch, stroking his hard cock. She doesn't see me. Jay comes back and I take him home.

When I get home I email my new department head saying I'll be there in a week. I email my current department head that I leaving. Spend some time packing. Filled a couple of boxes and put them in the living room close to the door. I'm taking my computer, clothes and some books, so everything'll fit in my car. I hear Stacy get home about 2, drunk. She stumbles to bed.

Both of us sleep later than normal. At about 10:30 Gloria is pounding on the door. I let her in and start coffee. "Be back shortly. Gonna take a shower."

"OK, I'll wake up Stacy."

When I emerge dressed for the street from the shower, they're both sipping coffee. "What's with the boxes?"

"Moving."

"For where?"

"Just leaving."

"Why?"

"A strange thing happened to me last night. I went to The Hole to give a ride to a friend. Guess who I saw there?"

The blood just drains from Stacy's face. "She was in a booth playing kiss and grope. Got any idea who that might be, Stacy?"

"Oh, god, Ray! I can explain!"

Gloria looks between us. "Ok, Stacy. This should be interesting."

Stacy's crying. "I was drunk. I just got so excited, I got carried away. I couldn't help myself. Please, Ray. Forgive me."

"Stacy, why didn't you do the honest thing of moving out or letting me move out? What do you want forgiveness for? Lying to me or for having sex? I could forgive you for having sex. I could forgive you for lying to me. I could even ignore you not loving me but you broke your solemn word of honor. How do we reconcile that? Trust? How is that any different than cheating on a wedding vow?

Well, you don't have to maintain your celibacy any longer, if you haven't already abandoned it. I'm transferring schools to the east coast and leaving this afternoon."

Gloria jumps in "Can I go with you?"

I turn to her. "Gloria, while I really like you, Stacy's going to need you more than I will. Maybe you can keep her out of too much trouble and too many beds."

Stacy's crying torrents, gasping for air. Gloria has her arm around her shoulders. Gloria's crying, too. I just drop my house keys on the table. I'm in so much pain.

Five years later

That also did it for my family. Not only was I not coming home soon but I've abandoned my sister.

As soon as I moved, the family disowned me. Cut off all aid and communication. Haven't heard from or about Stacy since. Or any of the family, for that matter.

I completed my Ph.D. in another three years. Spent one year as a postdoc and now am one year in as a tenure track assistant professor of physics.

So, I'm surprised one evening as I'm working on my freshman physics lecture, to get a phone call from the area code where our farm is located. I ignore it. Five minutes later the same number calls again. Figure it's probably not spam, so answer it.

A female asks "Ray?"

"Yes."

"This is your sister, Connie. Dad had a massive heart attack yesterday and passed this morning."

"Sorry for your loss."

"It's your loss, too."

"Like hell it is. I was disowned, remember. So, why do you think I give a shit?"

She takes a very deep breath and calms down. "Ray, please. Mom wants all her children home for the funeral."

"No."

"Ray, don't do this. For mom, please?"

I think for a few seconds. Mom's not the cause of my troubles with the family. "OK. When? I assume it'll be on the farm."

"Today is Tuesday. The funeral will be Friday morning. We'll make up your room."

"No, I'll be staying at a motel in town."

"Ray we have plenty of room."

"No fucking way I'm staying in the outhouse. I put up with your lesbian crap for too many years. Not doing it anymore."

"Stay in mom's house, then."

"No thanks. I'll stay in town."