All Comments on 'The Bet'
by lipstickandligature
- 12 Comments
Not that the writing was bad, but it came across as flat and actually boring. Nothing compelling or interesting in it. Just words on a page that created nothing. I simply never cared about what was going on.
... but not your best. I have to agree with Anonymous that it came over as a little pedestrian - not up to your normal standard; it was still worth reading, though, and four stars. Thank you.
Started no where. Went nowhere. Ended with nothing. Why did you bother?
I've really liked your other stories, but this is the first one that made me cum.
Wow, one of my favourite !
There's what no other story have: realism ! It's so natural, it's so human, so real !
And in a very simple way you have touched a lot of things that turn me on but without being gross.
Great Job.
Pretty boring throughout. Not sure what "the bet" is. From what I can tell, the entire thing is one giant conversation. There's no passage of time, no descriptions.
In one segment he's talking to his girl and the next sentence his coworker is asking him to stop clicking his pen. This keeps appearing several times throughout the story. I can't tell where one scene ends and another begins. It's very confusing and very boring to read.
To improve: I suggest adding more descriptions and breaking up the conversations. Try to divide the story into a 3 act play. From what I can tell, the first part is him getting teased about getting teased. But there's no real teasing going on. Just him and his girl talking about teasing. There's no rising action, for example if he were in chastity and she stimulated him nightly without allowing him to cum. THAT is denial, not NOT using chastity and just talking through it.
Secondly, make the 1st part about his introduction to tease and denial, the 2nd part is his torture, and the 3rd part is his release.
I love the subtle approach. The reader must use his head. Previous commenter couldn't figure out the bet? Really? This is living and fun yet totally erotic. I love your writing style in this and your other works as well. Thanks for sharing with us!
I think Sven laughed at her, got up from the weights, went into the locker room to shower and jacked off! At least that would have been more interesting than your ending to this boring little ditty.
Interesting premise.
But not a great story.
Not enough in the way of preliminaries. She doesn't use/tease him with all of her available body parts.
He seems to be the one who doesn't want to cum. Huh? Odd.
Three stars.