The End of Things Ch 18: Sheba

[This is the latest chapter in a long-running story. The previous seventeen chapters are summarised, but I hope new readers will yield to the temptation of going back to Roman Britannia and following Carwen on her eventful journey.]

Love, I have heard it said, is born from the desire to make eternal what is fleeting. As we sheltered in Miriam's, hiding away from the threat to our lives, I realised just how much I had loved Hypatia - and what her loss meant to me.

The immediate aftermath of the murder of Hypatia was the only time in my life that I felt I might not survive. I had come all the way from Roman Britannia to Alexandria on a mission. But now all seemed to lie in ruins.

At one level my journey had been prompted by the urgent need of my people in Roman Britannia for a weapon with which to resist the invading Saxons. I had been accompanied by the wise man, Merlin, with whom I had parted company once we had discovered the formula for "Greek Fire." Sadly, it had not, according to his last message to me, saved my home fortress of Garrianorum, or my mother and father, though my brave brother, Artos, was using it to fight what sounded like a rear-guard action against the forces of barbarism.

But there was another motive at work. I had been shown a manuscript by the daughter of the former Governor of Britannia, which had sparked a deeper interest. Entitled "the last of the Amazons," it had told the sad story of the end of a city state ruled by women, the last of whom had retreated to an Island called Lesbos in the Mediterranean. Wanting to know more about that civilization, where women loving women was the norm, I had made a long journey to Lesbos. On the way, in southern Gaul, in Marseilles, I had discovered that there was a Christian tradition which allowed women to be priests. The custodian of the Shrine of St Mary Magdalen had entrusted me with the Shroud in which Jesus had been wrapped after the crucifixion, with the idea that I would take it to the Pope in Rome. But after a visit to Augustine, the Bishop of Hippo, I had gone straight to Lesbos, where I had encountered the Junian Church, as the communion of women was known. Their Bishop had sent me to Alexandria to take some of the early letters of the Apostle Junia to the great library at Alexandria in the Mouseion run by the philosopher Hypatia.

And there, my life had changed. With two women who had joined me on the journey, the warrior known as Stumpy, and her well-endowed lover, Bella, I had made a life for myself there, learning Greek, copying manuscripts and falling in love with Hypatia. I had even been able to help her in the feud which the Bishop of Alexandria, Kirill, had worked up with her. By offering him the Shroud, I had secured a truce between his militant supporters and Hypatia. But just when I had settled into a life with my lover, everything had fallen apart.

One of the attractions of Alexandria for me had been that it symbolised the essence of civilisation. I had known that Britannia's Roman culture was but a simulacrum of Rome itself, but Alexandria had blown me away. There I had been able to read the annals of the Amazons, learning about Calliope, the last of the Amazons, who, as it turned out, was not quite that. A Corps of Amazons had survived on Lesbos, and they guarded the Church there. This was life in all its fullness. And, even as the sun was setting on the civilisation of my homeland and on Rome's power, Alexandria stood as the pinnacle of what it meant to be civilised. Until, that is, the tendency of men to want power had ruined it - at least for myself and my lover.

Kirill's militant monks had gone on a rampage against all 'heretics' and 'heathens.' They hated the Mouseion with its treasures of ancient civilisations, and they loathed Hypatia. Against my advice, she had gone to seek help from the Roman governor, Orestes, and on our way, we had been attacked. Separated from her, I had watched with horror her vicious death, barely escaping with my own life. Back at the Mouseion, I had found my friends besieged. Showing them a secret way out, we had escaped, finding refuge with one of the women, Miriam.

The shock of what I had seen, added to my own external injuries had left me feeling fragile; without Stumpy's help and Bella's love I could easily have despaired; even with that I came close to it. On top of that was the fact that Alexandria felt like a tinderbox. The parabalani (rogue monks) prowled the streets looking for whom they might devour next. With the destruction of the Mouseion a great light was extinguished. Not even the Saxon invasion of Britannia made me feel so close to the end of things.

It was Bella's love, and the tale of Calliope, the last of the Amazons, which saved me. I would be damned before I would let the bastards who had killed my love, kill the hopes she had kindled in me. But, as Stumpy discovered, we had a problem.

We were safe at Miriam's, but the harbour was watched. Ships coming in from Lesbos were searched, and any vessel going there was subject to the same treatment.

'They are watching the harbour, Carwen. They know some of us escaped, and if we go anywhere near a ship, we will be next.

She and Bella came close to despair, but I had an answer:

'They are looking at the ships. What if we went by river, south?'

'But we want to get to Lesbos, or Hippo, and they lie north,' Stumpy objected with perfect logic.

'Where we want to go and where we can go are not the same,' I said, so we shall go where we can.'

There was no arguing with that logic.

Hypatia had wanted us to travel south at some point to see what she called "the wonders of the world." Now seemed the time to do just that. I had asked her how far the great Nile went, but she said that its headwaters were hundreds of miles to the south, which was no great help to me. The one clue I had which suggested that going south would be a good idea had come, of all people, from Kirill, who had mentioned to me that there was a Christian civilisation to the south, where descendants of the Queen of Sheba ruled.

It caused a rift with Stumpy and Bella. I understood their desire to get back to their homeland, and without me, they stood a good chance of doing so. For reasons I could not put into words, I wanted to travel south. So it was that on a chilly October morning, I bade them farewell. I watched as their caravan headed off into the desert. If all went well, they would get to Hippo before Christmas. Later, I tried to find out what had become of them, but after the port fell to the barbarians, I could get no news.

Miriam had tried to persuade me to go with them. It was tempting. We were now far enough south of Egypt to escape the attentions of the marauding monks, but I could see that Stumpy and Bella had fallen for each other, and instinct had told me it was time to let them be and, if necessary, embrace my solitude. Two days later, I joined a convoy of boats travelling south.

Wrapping myself in my cloak, I sat in the stern of one of the boats and kept myself to myself. I had nothing but instinct to guide me. There were times I regretted my decision, and there was no doubt I missed Bella and Stumpy. But after five days we reached a settlement, and I found shelter at the inn there.

I sat outside, watching the ships load and unload. It was, the innkeeper had said, the place where the great Nile split in two. One branch went further down into Africa, the other would take me to the land from which Sheba had come; that was my destination.

'Excuse me, do you speak Greek?'

I looked round, only to see a tall woman, wrapped in a white cloak.

Thanks to my time with Hypatia, I was able to reply fluently that I did.

'This is going to sound strange, so forgive me if I am talking nonsense, but would you happen to be Carwen from Britannia?'

Whatever else I had been expecting, it was not this. Here I was, thousands of leagues from home on a fool's errand to nowhere, and suddenly someone was asking whether I was me.

'I would, indeed,' I said, not bothering to hide my sense of surprise, 'but you have the advantage over me.'

'My apologies, lady, I am Aberash, and I come from the church in Aksum where our wise woman was told of you in a vision. We were not sure when you would arrive, but I was told to wait until I saw you. Mother Miriam knew Hypatia from the time she spent in Alexandria and sends you our condolences over her loss.'

By now I had seen enough to know to rely on my instinct. They had led me to the Marian shrine at Marseilles and the holy shroud; then to Augustine at Hippo; then to Kirill and Hypatia in Alexandria. Whatever Merlin had thought, my quest was not his; he had the "Greek fire," but it was not that which I sought. I wanted to uncover that lineage from the Amazons through to the Junian Church. Driven underground by male hostility, under attack physically by one set of barbarians, and doctrinally by another set who claimed the whole of Christ's legacy was theirs, it had maintained the tradition of female leadership upon which the Junian church was founded; I should not have been surprised to learn that it existed here, in the land of the Queen of Sheba.

'Thank you, Aberash, she was a special woman.'

'She was your lover, Carwen?'

'Yes, we were lovers,' I said, not caring who knew, but knowing in my heart that Aberash's response would determine whether she and her church could be trusted.

Aberash was tall, her face was aquiline, and she looked like one of those icons I had seen in the church on Lesbos, so her response should not have surprised me.

'The love of woman for woman surpasses all save our love for God, so my heart goes out to you. We have heard how she died, and it is a shame on those claiming to be Christians.'

I felt tears come to my eyes and looked at her gratefully. Words would not come to my lips, but then none were necessary. I knew that Aberash understood. I knew then that I could trust her and her sisters.

For the first time since the murder of Hypatia, I relaxed; I felt safe.

The journey south to Aksum took us days, but I was content. I had been lost, but not had been found; I had wandered in the hope that my instincts would serve me well; they had, and I allowed myself to come out from the deep introspection into which I had fallen.

We travelled by road and river, and at every night's stop, Aberash would receive a warm welcome. It was clear to me either that they knew her, or that her religious clothing commanded respect. This, I thought, was how it should be.

We reached Aksum just as night was falling. It fell swiftly in this part of the world, and the passage from light to darkness came just as we reached the imposing mass of a large building; I could see lighted candles within.

'Would you care to rest and eat before meeting Mother Miriam and the others?'

Aberash's courtesy was endless. Much I as I wanted something to eat, there was a greater hunger within me that longed to be fed, a thirst that needed more than wine to assuage it. The closer we had approached our destination, the more the hunger and thirst had grown. I felt myself begin to tremble, so replied:

'If it is no trouble, I should love to meet Mother Miriam and anyone else you think I need to see.'

Aberash smiled that gentle smile which I had already come to love:

'Of course, dear Carwen come with me.'

As we entered what was clearly a church, the light of hundreds of candles dazzled my eyes. The smell of sweet incense lingered. It took a few moments for me to adjust to the light. By that time a small woman, dressed in a white robe with blue horizontal stripes, had approached me. Her light brown face was wrinkled with age, but her smile shone out.

'This, Carwen is where you are meant to be. Touch my hands, I wish to touch the hands of one who has touched the shroud of the Messiah.'

She knew? Of course, she did, I thought.

As our hands touched, I felt a jolt of energy pass through me, and my eyes were opened. Behind the altar screen I saw it. I gasped.

'You see it, don't you, Carwen? You know what it is?'

'I do Mother Miriam; it is the Ark of the Covenant of God.'

I knew it, I knew it more clearly that I had known anything since leaving Alexandria. It was for this I had come south; it was for this I had left my companions; had death claimed me then, I should have welcomed it. But that was not to be my fate; not then, at any rate.

'It is hidden from the eyes of most, Carwen, but as you have held His shroud, it is visible to you. Come with me now and we shall pray at the altar.'

In contrast to the main body of the church, the altar was illuminated solely by a red light which flickered in the corner. I knelt with her. Mother Miriam's prayer seemed familiar, though I knew not the language; it was only later I discovered it was Amharic, the very language Jesus had spoken.

In that darkened space, a great peace came to me, and I had a vision. I saw my hometown on Garrianorum in flames; I saw my parents dead, along with many others; and I saw my brother, Artos, coming with his horsemen to wreak vengeance on those who had sacked the place. The 'Greek fire,' brought back from Alexandria by Merlin, rained down on the Saxons, and there was a great victory for the Britons. The Saxon hordes were scattered, and I saw Artos, and his men assert their power against the invaders. But I knew in my heart, as I had always known, that it could not last. Merlin had believed that overmatching force with force would win the day; but my vision told me that it would only delay the inevitable. I saw Artos, my darling brother, with his men, they were occupying one of the many forts the Romans had abandoned when they went. I wept for the Garrianorum I had known and loved; for my parents, who I would see no more in this life; and for the peaceful Britannia in which I had grown to womanhood. I felt an arm around me.

'Come my child, these visions are given you so that you may have certainly where there was doubt. Your parents are with God now, and they would not have you grieve in this vale of tears. It is the way of men to think force solves everything. It is our way to know that God is love, and that love alone solves all.'

I allowed myself to fall into Mother Miriam's arms. She was scarcely taller than I was, but it felt as though I was embraced by a loving horde of women. I sobbed until all the tears had run dry, and then allowed myself to be guided from the altar.

They sat me at a table in the refectory and served me a simple meal of meat and bread with a red wine.

'Eat Carwen,' Aberash said, sitting with me.

Once I had refreshed myself, I looked around me. There had been others there, but now only Aberash and Miriam remained. The latter reached out to touch my hand.

'My child, you have travelled far, you have seen and suffered much. Tonight, you will rest, and Aberash will comfort you. Go with her, we shall talk on the morrow.'

And with those simple words, I was given the gift of love that would heal my wounded spirit.

I had not wanted any woman since my darling Hypatia had been torn apart. The desire had left me. Love, and the desire for a woman's touch, had died when Hypatia had been murdered. Now the soft, gentle touches of Aberash awakened me from that slumber.

I sat on the bed. She lifted my top and kissed my nipples. I shivered with a pleasure that I had almost forgotten; she summoned up my desire from that dark cave in which it had hidden for so long. It felt like a living dream.

As her soft, wet lips slowly sucked on my left nipple, I heard myself gasp. My hands stroked her long, jet black hair, and I held onto her as she laid me on my back, raising my hips for a moment to strip me bare. It had been so long since the desire for this had overcome me that I had let my usually bare mound regrow to her natural state. I would have been embarrassed had it been Hypatia, who, like all Greek sapphists preferred to have the intimate hair there removed; but this was Aberash, and the feel of her fingers as they felt their way through my hair to my hidden wetness was simply pure pleasure. I gasped with the rediscovered joy and reached for her.

'Lie back Carwen, there will time and more for that, but tonight is about you. This last days I have watched you, the desire for you growing daily; tonight, I shall take you where you need to be taken.'

Her words were said in a tone of voice I had long needed to hear. It had always been my way to give, blessed, after all, was she who gave; but this long night I was to receive. I lay back and gave myself unconditionally to Aberash.

Her hands and lips played my body as a musician plays her instrument. My nipples ached for her, and I felt the heat between my thighs give way to a wetness which longer for her mouth. As she met that longing, I gave a great sigh, raising my hips and holding onto her shoulders as I writhed to press against her. Her tongue slide along and into my wetness, before slithering out to my aching clit. As she flicked and licked me there, I felt her long index finger part my lips and curl up into me. When she had opened me there, she slid a second one into me and began to pump in and out. My muscle gripped her. I wanted to squeeze on her; I did squeeze her, tight, my every nerve tingling, my every sinew tight with desire.

Her fingers explored my wetness until they found my special place. I gripped them tight, pressing down against her as she played with me. Her tongue played with my clit until I almost cried out to her to stop, wanting to say I could take no more. But she knew what to do. Her movements slowed. Her fingers remained in me, but she brought her mouth up to mine so I could first smell, and then tase, my own juices. The squelching sounds bore witness to the effects of her lovemaking. Though we were wordless, I knew will the difference between fucking and making love, and this was the latter.

How long I lay there, responding to her fingers and lips, I do not know to this day, only that the first rays of light were coming though the upper windows when I finally gave in to the fires, she had stoked within me. She had led me slowly but lovingly, to the place I needed to be. And after what seemed like an endless number of climaxes, she pulled me to her breasts, and the world ceased to be - at least for a few hours.