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A couple of notes: The poem Nikki wrote on a paper napkin at McDonald's can be found in the Erotic Poetry section of Literotica under my member name. It is titled: Nikki's Poem. If you are interested, read it there and comment and/or score it. First attempt at a poem here and it's from to this storyline.
For those of you who have made or will make comments: Thank you, thank you, thank you!
- COMMENTS
Sorta like this chapter :) even if I can't help myself for wondering if nikki is jealous. Lol
By the way, I've noticed that you use a lot of Japanese references and your vocabulary is accurate. As it's my major study I'm pleased to see you know something about Japanese stuff :)
8 chapter reading done.. Sorry for my comments on the fifth chapter end.. You are doing excellent now.... A suggestion from me is you describe both daughters structure like height weight.. Size.. Now I'm familiar with your writing style..
You are correct on the head shaking v nodding. One other reader pointed this out to me... I think I have it corrected in all future postings. Sorry if it took away from enjoyment or broke mood of piece for you.
Thanks for the comments (both). Hope you keep reading.. I get better as story goes on. This is my first attempt at writing ... learning about editing as I go.
...but you use the phrase "shook her head" to indicate both negative and positive responses. It's a bit confusing to me, because I've always associated "shaking" of the head to mean a side to side movement indicating "no," and "nodding" of the head to mean an up and down movement indicating "yes."
My 35 yr old girlfriend called her vagina a "kitty," simply because she didn't like the word "pussy." And I've heard quite a few other women use the same phrase. So, yes, grown women do use that word. Now go "smh" some more and see if you can hear that singular brain cell rattle around.
I am so confused. One minute you have the girls acting like and talking like 12 year olds, then they are making out like adults? For one thing, 18 year old women do not call their stomach "tummy" or their pussy "kitty" nor do they call precum "sticky stuff". You have to decide if they are adults or little kids. Rapidly losing interest in the story. Especially now that Jack is doing the same things their latest client is accused of. There is now a poem and pictures as evidence that can be used against him in a court of law!! No lawyer or father is that stupid!! *smh*
Sex scenes, plus some very intelligent intercourse between the two young women. However, I have no idea if this is supposed to be a story or a sexual romp.
You have intimated that there was another man in her life before Jack, when she was much younger. Do you plan on bringing that thread into the main plot at all?
Was it incest by her father?
This has been one of my favorite series recently and this was my favourite chapter so far! Just keeps getting better -- thanks so much for writing it!
I'll keep this short, plzzz keep writing more chapters. It's good to have a storyline setup but hope you don't limit to a no. of chapters. This is a great story let it flow.
I love your pace and that you're keeping your characters real. As for the story from this point on there are so many paths but I think that's best left for your imagination. Hope to see more like this... :)))
Ironic story line; both daddy's are Lawyers. Incest case in current litagation. Jack gets "BJ" from Mac. Slight penetration but not enough to break Hymen. I absolutely love the storyline though.
Thanks for your imagination and story.
First of wow! This has been one of my favorite stories on this site. Most authors here tend to lose the erotic nature of the story in multiple chapter pieces. You however have made this very enticing and keeps me coming back for more. I feel like Jack is every father out there who, if they wound up in this situation, would react. The secretist thing that Nikki and Mac have going on is cute and adds a level of innocents as well as cunning to the characters. Also having one of Jack and spencer clients be on trial for an incest charge brings reality into the awareness of the story and heightens the piece. The Trial also shows how unfair our society is in accepting all relationships of love. I love incest stories for the very reason that a the lovers have this bond for years before they actually bed each other. Just all around five stars.
Now about the kinky and bisexual.
You have already brought Nikki, Mac, and Jenn's various interests into play. But what if, after Nikki and jack fuck. Jack finds out that Spencer has been fucking Mac. going even further,(btw this is just a thought.) maybe have a foursome with Jack, Spencer and the girls where Jack and Spencer go at it.
Romance.
You have been doing this one well. Just don't turn Jack into a beast like some do for the fathers in this category. Keep your characters real.
You are doing a fine job and I would do this from my account however I currently can't remember the email or password. Keep it UP!!!
My bad! Thank all of you for comments. For those with the criticism. You are spot on. I rushed getting it posted and missed a few relatively obvious mistakes.
My apologies!
I re edited it this afternoon and will resubmit it with the suggested and requested editing changes. Hope I caught them all this time. New at this. Will not make same mistake of rushing the editing process again.
Thanks.
I would like to echo 10towers comments. There were some areas that I found confusing on who was who. At one point I read that someone's mouth was kissing the other's mouth and pussy at the same time. In either case, I really liked the story. I came to this under the link for new stories and like the brief description. Now I think I need to go back and read the earlier chapters.
You are doing just fine with your story line, so I will leave it in you hands. When the two girls were having oral sex for the first time there was some confusion as it seemed one mouth was on the other's pussy and mouth at the same time. I read those paragraphs three times and couldn't figure it out. There are a few grammatical errors her and there which you should fix. In any case, I'll continue to watch for your on going chapters of two young women coming of age. I did wonder when the court case was going to resurface! Will now try to find Nicole's poem.
Since you messed it up. Then have Nikki's daddy be mad. And finally be with Nkki. Don torture me by adding more people to get them Nikki and Jack separated it's torture! And you are making me suffer!!!
I personally love your stories, and have always put five stars.