Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click herePut another way, the pair of us fucked ourselves senseless, trying out every position that I knew, plus a few that I didn't, and two or three, that to this day, still seemed quite impossible.
----------------
"Hi darling," Laura greeted me despondently with, when she came home somewhat later on the same night. "Tom was a bit of a damp squid, I'm afraid, and Anne's husband was there as well, but if his penis is ten inches long, then I think they're maybe getting their inches mixed up with centimetres."
"Disappointing was it Laura?" I sympathized.
"Terribly," she confessed. "In fact I think those friends of mine may have been exaggerating."
"Really?"
"Yes," my stupid wife declared. "I think all this orgasm stuff isn't what it's cracked up to be. I don't think all the screaming and thrashing about really ever existed."
"Well it just so happens Laura, that I know that you're wrong there," I informed my surprised wife as I helped her back on with the coat she'd just taken off, guiding her back to the front door. "Because I've had a woman screaming and thrashing about and things under me most of this evening, so I think the problem lies with you, rather than me. Now why don't you go off and see if you can find a curved one or a thick one, or a damn great black one if you want to."
"But it's late honey," she protested. "I don't want to go out again."
"Yes it is late Laura," I told her firmly. "Too damn late after the disrespect you've shown me. If you can't find a cock with a man on the end of it, then why don't you try the YMCA for the night? I'll be contacting my solicitor in the morning to arrange the divorce."
"Solicitor? Divorce?" I heard her cry out as I eased her out of the door. "What do we need a solicitor for? I don't want a....."
The rest of her words being cut off as I shut the front door on her, double locking it to prevent her getting back in.
-------------
"Jolly well done Phillip," Delia congratulated me breathlessly as I rolled off her, even later that night. "That's five times so far. Do you think you'll be up for the sixth?"
"I'm certainly going to try," I gasped out, close to exhaustion. "Better give me ten minutes or so for my totem pole to recover first though."
"Wait till the girls hear about this," giggled the gorgeous, and very satisfied woman in my arms. "They'll never believe me when I tell them."
"Yes," I thought silently to myself as a contented smile washed across my face. "Sometimes the truth is indeed stranger than fiction."
++++++++++++
I warned you!
For those who like stories a bit more finished, then as I said, all this only happened last week (????), so who knows what's going to happen.
Sorry, got to go now, as Delia is calling me.
Hope you enjoyed it, and of course I'd love to hear from you all.
- COMMENTS
A cute take on the “taco is always tastier on the other side of the combination platter” trope. 5👍
I liked the story, but you may want to change the jibe about the Arsenal they did great this season.
Wait some commenters are defending the wife? She had sex with two different men. Wtf?
Dialogue straight out of some risqué 70s sitcom only this wasn’t as funny, nudge nudge wink wink.
Phillip is a dumb asshole, can't expect much from a cuck who marries a bimbo for her tits!!
His response of going to the pub to get drunk was fucking pathetic!!
Very well done, if you Google average penis size it comes up with, pun intended, 5.5 inches long and 4.5 inches circumference, it then follows there's some guys bigger and some guys smaller, if a woman is looking for big cock she will need to try several guys to get one, unless she's lucky, as reflected in this amusing tale, well done.
It may be fiction, but it's still fun fiction. I do like stories where someone is "hoisted by their own petard" if that's how the expression goes.
Loved it. People think that the spouse’ are brain dead if they start a conversation like the one portrayed in the story; however they do happened more than you would think…
I enjoyed the read overall. The one problem I see with the writer is he mistakenly likes Arsenal. My gawd with Man U. Available…lol.
Hugely entertaining little tale. I would have suggested that in real life nobody would be as stupid as Laura and then I remembered who we've elected to govern us every few years - and realised how many Lauras there are in the world..
LA
Now I know who your men remind me of: Andy Capp! Another well crafted tale about not-to-bright people, from the master of the genre.
In a world that seems to get worse every day
we can always turn to Britease to lighten our spirit and brighten our day.
Love some of the comments - IE; ‘Why? Why would he throw her out for doing the same as he done’
That persons as dumb as the wife, their is little in comparison except the sex. She embarrassed and humiliated him to her friends. While they exaggerated their spouse she made him seem like a little dicked useless lover. Pointless except for the love and consideration he showed her.
Then, without thought or discussion went off to have sex with someone else, belittling and disrespecting him before she went. Yes, he was effectively seduced by one of her friends but it wasn’t pre-planned and she had already left to cheat.
She even sounds like she met two of the other husbands. So of course he was right to throw her out, without trust, mutual respect and consideration a marriage cannot carry on.
Every one of the the author's stories is the same with a few details changed, but always the stupid wife and husband ends with a better option there available for him.
Too little; why isn’t there something that happened in the bedroom? Look at the site are ur writing for. Otherwise it was enjoyable. But what’s missing somewhat spoiled the story. I did love that his wife was kicked out of the house after being disappointed; served her right. Overall, can’t get passed what’s missing, so only 3 stars. — Bob
Bemusing indeed. What I find to be the greatest entertainment is Laura's reaction when she realises everything is wrong!
Welllll, If you're not near the one you love, then love the one you're near. Hope she finds what the "girls" told her about. LP
Nice one son, pity those gunners have run out of ammo. Look forward to more tales that are easy to read and come with a smile
3 stars
- what is the difference between a TALL cock tale and a LONG cock tale?
- what is the difference between a coke can size cock and a pencil dick?
NOTHING
98% of the sexual act pleasure between two people happens in the brain
OR
A really strong, extra long tongue and a long enough finger to reach her vaginal 'G' spot.
Well a nicely crafted tale about how conniving women can be, and how helpless men are when we are thinking with the wrong head.
Actually ... quite bad ... the typical I need a retarded morinic wife to make this brain dead cuck story work .... but unfortunately it doesnt work out ... as always ...
Damn, what a shame...he gets this gorgeous sounding wife with the brains of a gnat.
Just stupid I guess? Is there any women or men in this world like this??
Women talk guess what, so do men. always trying to convince the other's by trying to out do the other's...It's a game people play..."I'm better than you because...." or... "You wouldn't believe this but...." etc. etc. etc. Old Saying; " Those who can Brag without Lying... Let them Brag." any idea how silent the World would become?
What a laugh and written with a lot of humour. Laura was certainly one of the dullest knives in the draw!! This is really tongue in cheek! 5*s.
Are women all perfect, are men? Hell no!!! For whatever eason their vigina has expended!!! Both sexes blame the other for short givings. I dare a man to tell a woman her pussy is too big for him!!! I simply told my old lady that I will have to find a woman with a tighter pussy. The bitch went spastic, he he he. I am blessed with a small penis, why do I say that? As I grow old I have less and less use for these conniving cunts!!!!! Dad told me actions speak so loud you can't hear what they say!!!!
Even a less than bright woman should never believe another woman about someone else's size.
Gotta have a little humor on occasion to keep things easy. really good job.
How does he not know his wife of nigh 15years is not a gullible mindless idiot? He has to be just as clueless as she is not to have figured that out long ago. This was difficult to read as you can't even grasp at how mindless she is. Not a good story. No one to actually root for as the wife clearly has a learning disability.
Loved it, just loved it. Your short stories are such a hoot!
Well done, good story and a not unsurprising result! Too many spouses undervalue their partners 'attributes' on both sides of the sexual divide. Large cocks are not unheard of but they are not always a panacea to sexual satisfaction. Like large tits, shaved pussies and 'bubble-butts' they are often responsible for arousal but seldom stand alone as components of good sex. The grass is always greener..... but the cock,tits and pussies are NOT always better! As to your unnecessary regrets about the ending I loved it... Everybody knows where it goes from here... p.s give Delia my address!!
Loved it get so damn tired of stories with LARGE dicks
Taken enough group showers sports USMC etc
Guys talk also especially when young
Saw one in marine corps not erect matched the one in Sears catalogue
He took unmercifully teasing for a while from all of us sorry to say me included
Guy in your life exactly right in talking about size
Thanks for sharing
A TRUE moron. That laura's picture should be in a dictionary right next to the definition of a moron!
I tell myself that no wife is that stupid, but then I'm sure there is someone out there who will prove me wrong. This story of betrayal put a smile on my face.
"A damp squid" is often used colloquially in conversation by the less well-educated. If this was in the narrative, then by all means criticise it, but in dialogue this was just further evidence of how thick Laura was.
I'd expect all live squids to be a bit damp, if not outright wet. Did he excrete slime, have tentacles, or leave trails of suction cup marks? If not, then he definitely was not a damp squid.
A squib is essentially a small explosives device. A damp squib is probably not going to explode when the igniter is....ignited. Squib can be used stand alone to express the diminutiveness of something, since it's not a proper explosive like a full stick of TNT. A damp squib can be used for something that doesn't live up to expectations. So its used right, it's just wrong. Squib.Squib.Squib.Squib. Not squid.
I rated this story one star. I guess I wasn't in a humorous mood, I'd probably rate it three since it's fine, minus the squid part, and well, it's not particularly offensive for fantasy. I typically dislike anything Britease writes, but this is comparatively plausible for pre-existing end-stage marriage cancer.
There's a bit more to say when it comes to culpability, but I am not going to bother this time.
Because sir you are a husband character developed by one of the stupidest people that has ever lived in the United Kingdom
Silly indeed.
You kinda have to feel bad for Laura, 'cause dumb-as-hell chick who's been in a marriage for 15 years doesn't usually fare too well when said marriage dies, regardless how big their tits are or how long their legs looks.
The worst person of this tale, undoubtedly, is Anne - I seriously don't know why she went all of her way to destroyed her supposed best friend's marriage, but hey... I guess they will have more time together to find a way to cuckold her own husband.
Kinda of a bittersweet story, really - watching a couple break up over such silly things give me no joy whatsoever. Glad that Phillip bounce back so fast, though - he didn't deserve what happen to him, but he sure recovered quite beautifully.
................has not lost a step. Indeed, it may have gained a pace. Well done.
Thank you......
What a welcome relief to finally read a decent story; they're very much in short supply these days, what with all the cuck & really poorly written tales littering LW of late. Congrats.
4 ****
Fine story about the theories of relativity and reality.
If she wants to try a bigger cock, that's what dildos are for!
How in the hell can she know what kind of orgasms her friends have? Because they TOLD her, LOL! Besides, different people orgasm differently, if one isn't "screaming and thrashing about," doesn't mean her orgasm wasn't as good as someone who was!
Great finish! Five stars from me!
Should write a Follow-up where Delia goes and tells all to Her Friends. Much to Laura's Horror.
for it being you when the hero is a stud huh? Well done and of course I believe that he is you and the Delia is waiting for you right now.
Thanks for the story. I really like all but your cuckold stuff or maybe it's RAAC whatever.
This was the first of this series that I read, and I think it's just about perfect! The conversation that starts it out is well crafted, and the rest of it simply flows. The only thing wrong with the writing is that you do it so much better than I do. Nice job!
Hans
I think this story would be better served to the female readers here.
This story this time I keep Laura, keep Delia to. Chat the rest of the woman's group up, and continue to reassure Laura that I will always love her. Tell her I don't want things to change between us, or between my new friends. I'll always love you.
Oh and I love your stories.
Peac e out my brother
Thanks, Britease. Very humorous story with a lesson for all. Dan
Trust...but verify!
Big tits are nice...but common sense and decency are critical! Especially if the alternative can suck-start a Harley!
Very enjoyable! Thanks!
First. What a stupid woman. Enough said. The rest of the story as written was one of the funniest things I ever read. Some times I almost needed a dictionary to figure out the colorful metaphors. Is there a Queens English to American English translator somewhere?? LOL.
Can't say I like all your writing, but this story made my day. 5 stars.
Said the judge as he granted the divorce decree.
HA Ha ha
That was pretty funny. Wish I could have seen the expression on the wife's face when he showed her the door. Bloody well done!
I loved this, my husband is called Phil (spurs fan) and when I read it too him he just said. careful what you wish for, shame the gooner got the girl.
Very funny and very good
Dear Fighting41 If you had read more revenge stories you would have known one of the the modern revenge weapons (not violance or murder) that the betrayed husband gathers evidence about the loverboy and he shows to the loverboy's wife. In the stories the wife of the loverboy takes the husband to cleaners and earns the children custody.........
Looks like Laura ended up with the "short" end of the stick after all.
Women as audacious and vindictive as Laura only exist as words strung together by literary artists; even if they are real, they are extremely rare oddities. These women shouldn't be vilified but ridiculed because they clearly lack a functioning brain.
Fithing41 That woman who does not divorce from her cheating bastard husband that is same wimp as the wimp husbands are.....................
So it's okay for the husband to cheat but when the wife does it it leads to divorce?
Please explain the logic beihind this
My congratulations on a very amusing Loving Wives tale. It helps that the wife concerned isn't exactly a full shilling. Your concern of the length of the story is unfounded. It ended where it should have ended any form of explanation, justification or continuation of the story would rob it of its humor and the mental image left at the end. Finishing as you did the reader could interpenetrate the conclusion as they imagined it to be,Thanks for sharing I thoroughly enjoyed your story,
A stupid cheating wife. Can you believe it? I guess no loud screaming orgasm for her.
Cunt
I enjoyed reading this as it tapped out a rhythm on my funny bone.
and one walking who wasnt but wanted to. TK U MLJ LV NV
So that is what a loving wife does. Listen to her friends and then cheats on her husband. Well he got the better bargain.
About the Britt's - Well they invented the the language but the Americans corrected it and made it the language of the world without invading, raping, stealing and killing millions of people.
but your husband is a fucking dweeb and would never ever get dalia into his bed. His wife lays that shit on him and he goes to the pub ? wtf.
Its really sad what stupid stories get high votes on this page only because there is revenge somewhere in the story.
You truly are an amazing writer. How in heavens do you scale your adultresses personalities so well in American Dream she was a total looser and slut that I had no feelings for in this one same adultry and this one I feel pity for her. Lovely writing and wonderful charators even the Ugly ones LOL
BTW spelling from an iPhone doesn't count. huge fingers small buttons
Like to hear how his Wife took it. after she finds out her Friend Delia slept with her Guy and Bragged to her other Friends to find out they are trying for a Piece of her Ex.
....perhaps the most realistic. Still, I can't get past the way your characters speak and behave like they live in the 1800s.The brits I know are more guttural and to the point."Wha the fuck wench,you believe tha shit?" Just once will you write a character that is sure of himself. Until then, harry will be on you like another man's spunk on a cuck!
I enjoyed that - about time that someone got it back - in spades !!
I was getting hot under collar because it looked like another wimp/slut story, but you sure did pull it out (or push though, wink wink) at the end.
I do hope that Laura does find her 12"x8" curved pole.
Really fun and clever. I was pulled in by his dejection at the beginning. His later triumph was certainly well-deserved. Especially since he had predicted all that his wife experienced.
Great set up, terrific twists, and a very eccentric sense of humor. Thank you, Britease for writing a very clever story and generously allowing me to relish in your talents.
I loved it. It was well written and displayed a very dry wit.
Is there a part 2 out there?
Whether this is a true story or not (as hinted at at the very end) it was a really good and funny story. Remember the immortal words of Stewie G. "Mark my words, when you least expect it your upance will come". Those words hold true in this story. You can also phrase it as 'we reap what we sow'. Just one small problem to this story. It needs another chapter, to explain what happens to him and his idiot wife Laura. Also, what happened to thier all girls group when Laura finally realizes that she has been conned by her so-called friends...whom all, it seems, have lied through there teeth.
Thanks for sharing. The old 'grass might be greener' adage got a good shakedown in this tale...
H -
A fun little story. I enjoyed it very much. Not quite as good as HDK but then who is? After all he is the master of tongue in cheek stories. Thank you for the entertainment. Always good interesting stories.
An epilogue would be nice where Delia would be telling all of her girl friends, including Laura, about the wonderful time that she had with Laura's husband.