All Comments on 'You're In My Seat Pt. 04'
by JaneSaysIt
- 18 Comments
This story gave us a really sweet love that blossomed over the hers and only came to fruition thanks to a happy coincidence, and now that it's over I'm sad to see it end yet I'm left appeased that they found the right answers and even helped their friends find theirs. Even the "firs girl visit to his room" escapade was done so sweetly and with deep thought for the involved parties it only depend their relationship and finalised her place in his family. And just as much I'm happy to see that Paul found the courage top come out and to find friends that understand him & Greg. The ending although a bit rushed did us the finalisation of the bigger picture and sealed the deal on them being the perfect couple, too bad they don't share a room permanently.
Gave you a 5*, anything less would be preposterous.
And of course I'm looking froward to your next story!
Loved it from the first chapter, and they keep getting better. Hope to see more of your writing. You paint words beautifully.
Gave the story a 5 to help the score.
A sucker for sweet romantic love stories and this one was great thanks.
I really enjoyed the story itself alongside the sexual encounters. I love the build up and creation of their relationship; spanning from their early crushes in middle school up until the beginning of college.
It would be a great sequel to the story of you continued on with their relationship into college. Have them explore more, sexually. Have them do voyeuristic stuff at the library...get caught by an innocent freshman chick that leads to group. Have Ally and Carter try kinky stuff, getting tied up. Or have Carter rush for a frat and the older brothers allow him in as long as they can gangbang Ally.
There's definitely room for expansion and I think you created an amazing base for it.
I love the chemistry. This is my favourite kind of story! It's more than just sex. There is love and romance. Loved it!!!
Ally is definitely a keeper in my book. Carter better not let her go
I've had this story bookmarked for awhile because I tend to cycle through different types of stories, based on my mood. And, recently I've been in a innocent romance kick and this hit every note for me. I liked that we got perspective from both characters, it makes there growth throughout the story a wonderful experience. Great job! I really hope too read more from you.
Overall I'd say a pretty good story, but I do have one critisism:
The conversations that your characters have throughout this are just very unrealistic, not because of the scenario, but what they say. To oversimplify, they're just much too open. In Ally's conversation with Paul, they share exactly how someone would assume they'd feel but in a very rational manner. Paul would be much more defensive and it would be more believable that he would respond violently than how you have him respond. Meanwhile Ally's being strangely understanding (dispite learning he's been using her and she was cheated on) and sharing her views like they're just going through the motions. There's not much emotion in it or self conflict. And they just say things that would never be said between teenagers if this was a real conversation. Ally would not have said she had a crush on Carter, at least not to his face and certainly not so easily. She might want to, but she wouldn't. I find this all dramatically takes away from the realism of your characters, and makes them much harder to connect with. I also struggle with her almost mind boggling transformation in a few short years. Everything about her character proves her to be much more confidant and flirtatious than I think a previous geek (by your description of her past) is possible of achieving. (This isn't very important though)
Don't get me wrong though, I think you've written a great story besides what I've remarked above. I only focus on the poorer parts to help improve you as a writer since I think helpful criticism is more useful than sole praisal. Keep on writing though, and I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future.
Wish I had a similar high school experience!! Unfortunately, I was Carter throughout but with no Ally.
I always like a story that is not only good but also well written...