Zell

I like watching girls play basketball. Women. High school women. Zell. Short for Zelda, so, yeah, Zell. I call her Z, which she tolerates from me but no one else. Tall, slim, graceful. Looks great shooting a layup. Women all look good shooting layups. It's like they float in the air for a second. A couple of steps, a jump, stretching and turning, a little bit of a bow to her back. Releases the ball from her fingertips, through the hoop. Z's fun to watch running too. Like an animal - a healthy female animal, although I wouldn't tell her that. She doesn't know that's what she is.

When practice is over, the team runs into the locker room. I don't think about her and the other naked, athletic, healthy, female animals in the showers. Soap, shampoo, breasts...

I can only pick her up on Wednesdays these days. Now that I'm a freshman, my apartment is almost an hour away, and I have early classes every day but Thursday. Between that, homework, and my work schedule it's the only day I can make. Sometimes we can get together over the weekend, but then there's my work schedule again along with hers and the rest of our lives. We do the best we can, so I try not to miss Wednesdays.

When she comes out, I walk down those folding wooden stands. I am not tall, slim, or graceful and I will definitely break my ankle some day. She smiles, says "hey Rocko," which is not my name. I say "hey Z." We walk out to the parking lot together talking. I parked my crappy old Toyota pickup away from the other cars this time. As we're walking out I stop for a second where the bushes make a shadow. She stops and looks at me curiously. I reach up carefully, pull her closer, and kiss her. Three seconds. Not passionate but not casual either. Then I say, "oops, accident." That's what I used to say when we were kids after I'd cannonball her and the other guys at the pool. She just gives me a curious look out of the corner of her eye.

Then I drive her home and we sit out in front of the house for a while. We talk about lots of things. Now that we we aren't in school together we have to work to keep up with each other's lives. But we don't talk about the kiss. I know I want it to just float out there for a while. She either wants the same thing or, more likely, wants to wait and see what I'm up to.

———

I had a big exam in statics the following Thursday, so I had to skip her practice that week. A week after that, I picked her up as usual and drove her home. She walked a little further behind me in the parking lot than she usually did and seemed to be watching me. I guess I couldn't blame her. When we got to the house, she asked if I wanted to come in. I told her I needed to get back to study, so we said goodnight. Just as she started to turn to open the door, I put my hand on her cheek, gently turned her head, and kissed her again. Three seconds. Just dry, soft lips. I thought it was a nice kiss.

After I said "Oops, accident," again, she asked - "So, just out of curiosity, do you think there are going to be a lot of these little accidents?"

I said, "Well, you can never tell, but I think from now on you can assume any kissing or related activities will be intentional."

She opened the door and got out, "So, 'related activities,' what the hell does that mean?" She slammed the door and I drove back to my apartment.

———

About a month later, when basketball was over but before soccer had gotten serious, Z and I were hiking on an easy trail just south of Mount Andrews. In a level area through some meadows, I reached out and took her hand. She gave me that look again and asked "oops?"

"I told you, no more 'oops'." We walked for a while. It was nice.

She said, "You know, I've been going out with Denny Friedel. You remember Denny."

"Yeah, I remember him. A good centerfielder and a good guy,"

"Knowing you, I'm not surprised at your priorities."

"Are you sure he isn't still jail-bait?"

"Asshole, you know we're both 18."

I said "You didn't tell me. Is that because of that whole kissing thing? I never meant you to think I was putting some sort of claim on you. I shouldn't have put you in a position where you are uncomfortable talking to me."

"I know you would never be jealous or possessive, but I was afraid you'd be hurt."

"So, have you two been intimate?"

"I guess that depends on how you define 'intimate.'"

"Has he ejaculated in your vagina yet?...Oh, wow, that's a bit more of a reaction than I expected. My god, you are so cute when you turn all red like that. You're beautiful... Really, I'm serious, beautiful. You won't tell Denny I said that, will you? I don't want him to beat me up."

"You're such a fucking asshole."

"Can I assume that means he hasn't?' Do you want him to? Have you talked to him about it? Have you talked about birth control?"

Now Zell looked really flustered, which surprised me. I'm used to her calm self-possession. She is the coolest person I know. I said, "Let's take a break for a minute." I took out my phone and took a seat on a stump. I was surprised to see I had reception.

After about five minutes I asked, "Ready to go?" We got up and started back on the trail. "So, Z, I just ordered you two boxes of condoms. Unmarked boxes. Free two-day delivery. God, I love Amazon. If you don't think you and the Denseman can wait two days, we can stop at CVS on the way home and you can pick up condoms or the morning after pill. From now on neither of you has any excuse. Tell him I said so.

Did he ever tell you he actually has an uncle who's younger than he is? Are you sure you want to go around exchanging genetic material with a family like that?"

Zell said "God, you are such a fucking asshole." But she held me and kissed me. Less than three seconds."

———

After that, we kept up the same basic schedule through the end of the school year. I'd pick her up on Wednesday's, we'd see each other weekends when we could. No more kissing or holding hands. I'd ask how things were going with Denny, she'd say "good," and I believed her. I could tell from the things she'd tell me that they really liked each other. I wasn't joking when I told her I thought he was a good guy. I knew he'd look after her and value her friendship at least as much as he did her body.

At graduation, when the ceremony was over and everyone was taking pictures and saying goodbye, she told me Denny was headed off for the Air Force Academy in four days. They'd decided earlier it didn't make sense to continue as boyfriend and girlfriend. When she wasn't around, I thanked him for being such a good friend to her. I hugged him and he gave me that stiff-armed, macho, Air Force Man, guy hug, but also that good old boy centerfielder's grin.

———

That summer we got to spend more time together. When we had days off, I'd drive her and my little sister Jojo to Junction Beach. Z'd lay on the beach and swim with her friends and Jojo while I ate French fries on the boardwalk and strenuously avoided looking at 13-year-olds in bikinis. There are rules about youngsters you know, even just looking. Boys who have sisters know this. The rest of you should learn.

I don't really get the whole beach thing, especially on the bay. What's the point if there are no waves to knock you down? I'd come down to the water every so often to make sure the girls kept Jojo greased up and to throw her around in the water for a while. Then back to Gus and Gus for a steak sub. Also greased up.

I asked Z how she was doing now that Denny was gone. She was a little sad, but she felt good about the way it had all happened. I told her I was proud of both of them.

"So, how'd the intimacy thing work out?"

After checking to see if I was smirking, which I wasn't, she said "Yeah... good...I wish we'd had more time to work on it..."

I laughed. "You sound so unsure of yourself. You've got nothing to worry about. You're determined and stubborn, you won't stop till you get it right. You're destined to be a wonderful lover."

"Why would you say that?"

"Sex is about losing yourself, surrendering. Do you remember in "Billy Elliot," what Billy said about dancing? It's electricity. Good sex is electricity, you become electricity. When I see you move, running or dancing, I can see it, you're electricity. You were made for love and sex."

"How can you say things like that to me? Do you really think it's right for you to see me that way?"

I'm not sure if she was angry, confused, or what. "I won't talk about it anymore if you don't want me to, but I can't stop what you are or what I see."

———

Later that summer, early in August, we were watching Premiere League football at my place. Rather, Zell was watching while I read a book my mother had given me "Heart of Darkness." Mom's an English teacher. Great book. Unless it's baseball, I don't watch sports much except to be sociable.

"Tim, do you think we can talk about the things you said about sex a few weeks ago?"

"Sure. It seemed to make you uncomfortable before. I thought you were angry."

"Not angry, but, yeah, uncomfortable. It bothers me you see so much. You aren't much more experienced than I am. How many girls have you been with?"

"Ellie in high school. You know about that. Then Joanie this year in school. You met her. Do you think I lack adequate credentials?"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking about - credentials. Who talks like that? Yeah, I know, engineers. I just want to know what you know I don't. About sex, not differential equations"

"This isn't about sex, it's about love, closeness. Making love is just one of the ways people can be close. Joanie taught me about that. You know - it's different for girls."

"Yeah, thanks Joe, I've heard that. Putz. Just tell me how you would make love with someone."

"Really?...Really? You were uncomfortable before, you think this will be better?...Ok then, let's say my lover and I have been together for a while. This won't be the first time. We know each other, trust each other. I know where all her parts are, have a pretty good idea of what she likes and vise versa.

So, we're sitting here next to each other watching soccer, shoulders and hips touching. I put my arm around her and pull her close. She turns her head. I come in closer like I'm going to kiss her. I look in her eyes and gently rub noses with her. She giggles and smiles so I do it again. Then I really do kiss her - softly, dry lips. I bite her lower lip very gently and pull out a little. I can see her teeth and a little of her gums. We're both smiling. I move in and whisper in her ear 'You're very beautiful.' Which is true. Then I whisper 'I like you very much.' Which is also true. I nip her ear lobe and pull a little.

She smells really good. Like a girl. I nuzzle her neck and behind her ear. I kiss her ear. A very gentle bite on the side of her throat. I growl a little - she can feel the rumble through my teeth. A little lick. I open my mouth, release her neck. A kiss where my teeth marks show. I kiss her lips. We rub our lips together. A loud growl. A bigger bite. I grab her throat with my teeth and shake. Her eyes open wide. She looks up at me, then lowers her eyes. Then she laughs and laughs and I laugh too. We kiss each other sweetly and rub noses again.

Now, for a while, just kissing. Gentle with just lips. The tips of our tongues teasing each other. I kiss her eyes, her throat, anywhere it is pink and soft. I love the way the ridges of her collarbones feel under my tongue. I put my hand on her chest and feel her breasts under her shirt and bra. I want to touch them with nothing between my hand and her skin. I want to touch them with my lips, lick them, suck them.

Kissing, but now harder. My tongue pushing into her, filling her mouth. She can tell I want to be a bit aggressive tonight. It used to alarm her a little, I am not an aggressive person, but she knows I'll be careful and that sometimes I like her to be the timid little girl. I hold her tongue down with mine, push harder into her. I lick inside her mouth, the backs of her teeth, as far inside as I can go. I wish I had a longer tongue. The whole time she's looking in my eyes, her eyes open wide. Maybe she'd be afraid if it were someone else, but it's me and she trusts me and loves me. And it's fun and it feels good and it's what she wants.

Then we stop. We hold hands and watch soccer. Rub noses. She says something about 'Inuit ancestors.' After awhile, she gets up and goes into the kitchen. I hear her on the phone. I hear 'mom' and 'over at Tim's' and 'bye." Then she's back. She reaches down for my hand and pulls me up to my feet, then back towards my room.

In my room she turns to me and hugs me. We kiss. She says 'You know I like hairy troglodyte Tim, but I think I'd like to be with closest friend Tim tonight if that's ok.' I say 'Of course, dear one.' I take two candlesticks off the bookshelf, put one on the bedside table and one on the dresser, and light them.

She lifts her shirt over her head and starts to take off her bra. I say 'I'd like to do that?' She lowers her arms and I reach behind her, unsnap it, then throw it on the bed. I warm my hands under my arms then hold her breasts. I look in her eyes and we kiss. She snuggles in my arms. After a minute, she takes off her jeans and socks and starts to take off her panties. Pretty, simple, white."Please leave those on. I'd like to take them off later if that's ok.'

Now I take off my t-shirt, shorts, and boxers. I lower my head and gently butt her in the belly to push her back up onto the bed. 'That's a closest friend Tim head butt.' she makes a cute, girly snort and scoots back on the bed. I lower myself on top of her and we nuzzle each other. She pulls her knees up along my body almost up to her chest, opening herself to me and exposing herself. I almost wish I had let her take her panties off. I could have been in her before she realized it. She could have wrapped her legs around me. I promised we would be gentle tonight, but she wouldn't have been angry."

Zell was looking a bit overwhelmed. "Dear god, this is such an intense fantasy. Is this what goes through your head when you're making love?"

I said "Sort of. The impulses I'm expressing never get as far as words. It's what Lao Tzu calls action without action. Without intention. That's where the electricity comes from. Do you want me to stop?"

"Kinky Taoist porno. Only you. You can keep going."

"Now we are lying on the bed, her back to my front. I nuzzle her neck and reach around to her breasts. I am being very gentle. I run my hand along her side from her breasts, down to her waist, and up to her hips. This is my favorite part of a woman, that curve. You can see it from a quarter mile away. You might not know if she's pretty or not, but you know she's a woman - meant, made, to do the things women do.

I kiss her neck and back. I whisper nice things in her ear. I sing to her very softly 'Hold me close my dear; Sing your whispering song; Softly in my ear; and I will sing along.' I kiss her shoulder blades. I feel about them the way I feel about collarbones. I run two fingers down her spine, one on either side, from her neck down to her bottom. Not hard, but with a little pressure. She sighs and I do it again. And again. I scratch her back and neck with my finger tips. I've trimmed and sanded my nails earlier so I wouldn't scratch her body - on the outside or inside. I scratch the back of her neck and head. I like the feel of my fingers in her hair. I gently scratch her ear. 'You're such a good girl, yes you are.' She says 'Hey!' with mock indignation and pushes back with her bottom. We laugh together and she turns her head to the side so we can kiss. Awkward but nice.

It's time for her to turn over. It's time for us to be closer. We hold each other. I like the feel of her breasts on my chest. I like the tangle of our legs. I know we will have to untangle them soon. We kiss. A lot. Gently, but with little bites on our lips. Closest friend bites. She nips my ears and kisses my eyes. I touch her breasts. I run my hand along her curve. She reaches down and strokes my penis. Just softly, we're not in a hurry. She stretches up a little and rubs my nose with hers. I stroke her beautiful hair. I scratch her head. She gives a little growl and bites my lip - hard. Harder than she meant to. I think I may be bleeding a little. We look at each other, both wide-eyed. And we laugh together.

She kisses me gently. Little pecks. Her tongue in and out of my mouth. I say 'You just want to taste my blood.' She says 'Yes, that's true," and licks her lips. 'Your mouth is salty.' Her eyes are a little wild. I pet her. Her head, her hip, her bottom, her breasts. I say 'Be gentle with me little wolf.' She says 'No.' No more smiles or laughing now. This is serious. I can see the electricity in her. She is the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

I'm just a little bit sad. There were other things I wanted to do. Places I wanted to touch her, taste her. I wanted to kiss her belly-button. I wanted to kiss and lick where her pelvis pushes out - the iliac crest. I don't know where this thing for little bumps of bone comes from. I wanted to put my thumb inside her. I love the way women feel inside. I love to hold them with my thumb inside them like a penis. I can hold her and kiss her lips and breasts while she thrusts and grinds against my hand. I know those aren't going to happen now, not till another time.

So I'll let her be the animal. I roll over on my back and bare my throat. I look her in the eyes, then lower mine. Now, I only want to be what she wants me to be. She pulls her panties off and throws them no the floor. She climbs up on me and lowers herself on me. Then she starts to rock and thrust. Hard. She is making little noises now. Little, but loud. She throws her head back. Her hair is wild. She sobs and cries out, then keeps sobbing. Not crying, it's just a physical reaction. She looks at me, but I don't think she recognizes me at first. Then she collapses on top of me and I put my arms around her.

She says 'I'm so sorry.'

I say 'Are you kidding, that was beautiful. You were beautiful. You are beautiful. And fun. And sweet. You are my smooth troglodyte. My wolf.'

'I'm so embarrassed.'

'That's the problem with you brown women. It's hard to tell when your blushing.'

She smiles. We kiss and hug. She falls asleep. I roll us over on our side and move away a bit. It's hard for me to sleep with a woman on top of me. Too bad. That would be a nice way to wake up."

Zell says "So, a brown woman. That would be Joanie then. If it was that good, why aren't you two still together?"

"You know how things are. We wanted different things. I still love her. I think she still loves me. I guess she's my closest friend other than you."

"I want that."

"You'll have it. Be patient. Apply that indomitable will, lovely body, kind heart, and sweet soul. So, do you want to stay tonight? I'll get the comforter and a pillow out for the couch. Bedtime for the hairy troglodyte."

"Yeah, I don't feel like driving home tonight. Mom knows where I am. She won't worry."

We hug. I yawn. She yawns.

I say "More fun than soccer."

She gives the "mezza mezza" sign and laughs.