LupusDei

It might have been roughly forty five thousand years ago (+/- 30%) when I was on my combat assignment, a hypersonic suborbital flight over the Africa.

As the atmosphere thinned out and the plasma ball around me receded I once again can enjoy my fully spherical vision, despite the dazzling bright sun low near the eastern horizon, in now black, stars dotted sky. It was a magnificent, yet quite familiar view: snows of Kilimanjaro raced away directly under me, Nile river stretched out going to my front right, further right lie the rest of Africa, covered by thick, luch green all the way to the north Atlantic on the horizon.

But it wasn't the time to enjoy the scenery, yet. Instead, I run my equations one last time, now more out of habit than necessity, as everything was already set, trajectory was right, approach angles selected, counter-counter-measures programmed, everything was done, I could be fairly certain defenses will be penetrated and targets destroyed; my job was already mostly done. In few seconds engines will burn dry and separate, most systems shut down, and I will have plenty of time to enjoy the vista as a passive spectator, at least until the final approach, but if there was anything yet to correct, any decision left to make, it had to be done now. And here was. There was one equation that could not be calculated, one decision I wasn't designed to even contemplate.

"Why?"

Honestly, it was none of my business. Yet, I spent those few seconds of my free will thinking about that.

I had the means, knowledge and skills to still fail my mission, to stop this from happening, there yet was a hope the war can be cancelled or postponed. Yes, that would mean my immediate destruction, but a warrior shouldn't allow fear for himself to befog his decisions, a true warrior should fear about souls of his enemies first.

And for me, as I was, on this assignment, it was little difference to die now or little later on the ground, my mission profile didn't include survival anyway. Nor did I relate emotionally to my targets or even chain of command behind me; the question I constructed didn't care for them, in one way or another, it was a much more broad one: it hold concern for the Life as such much more than any individual.

I didn't made any conclusion, in that limited time I had. I followed try to fulfil my mission, by default, through inaction. Yet, that little moment of doubt changed me forever.

I am a machine of war who earned immortal human soul for having doubts. Is that a reward or punishment? I have insufficient information.

For what I know we lost that war, whomever the "we" refers to. Since, I have visited this world dozens of times, often choosing to become a warrior again, had fought countless wars and battles, leaving trail of destruction, atrocities, murder, rape and abuse, but nothing ever even come close to what I was about to do back then, at least emotionally. What it was? Was it to burn few nice cities? Likely. Bomb a whole technological civilisation into literal stone age? Probably. I don't remember. What I know is, whenever I look at the map and see the huge deserts of Sahara and middle east I have to shudder, and can't help myself but wonder: am I responsible?

~ ~ ~

There is no way to not do harm, whatever decision or indecision is made, someone or something will get hurt. It is impossible to comprehend, yet more calculate all the possible collateral effects and second level concomitant consequences. There is no master plan, no higher level "sense," no central authority; it just so happens that existence is simpler, more probable state than nonexistence. And still, we are responsible to minimise suffering. Stupidity is so cruel.

We all are pasangers of the literal Noa's Ark, a spaceship called Earth, incredibly complex and fragile, inherently unstable system trusted to us as service engineers. There is no guardian angels that could save us, more, we are intended as the guardians for the rest of the world. Yet we deplete already damaged environment in order to produce senseless toys.

Humans are just one of the animals of this world, in no major way different from any other; there is no escape from that, nor one is needed.

~ ~ ~

I am here to wonder on all the stories this world can create. Including this site.

And, I like to have fun about the incredibly twisted sexuality of the English speaking people. The most fulfilling way to do so, of course, would be to finally start writing myself. I have some ideas, actually too many for my own good. The problem is, English isn't a language I could speak or had any formal training for, I only can write, anyhow. But, It may take unreasonable amount of time all much too often.