- Erotic Poetry
- 1. from Love Poems of Mari Akiko
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1.
I watch you shower
until the steam
fogs your reflection
and all I remember
is your eyes as we made love
Mari
- COMMENTS
won't re-write your passion, but rather relay... I enjoyed your poetry! <grin
Nice and simple. Though the last line is trite and greatly takes away from the rest of the poem. It's also a line that tells and doesn't show. There is less impact when you spell it all out for the reader. Show the reader an image. Let that image sink in until he says, "Oh, I see what's happening here." A poem like that will stick with a reader much longer.
Below is a rather mediocre example of what you could do with the last line. I'm sure you could come up with better if you though about it for awhile.
I watch you shower
until the steam
fogs your reflection
and all I remember
is a moment earlier
when you opened your eyes wide
and gazed up from beneath me