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Click hereWhatever it was, Jake clearly intended to enjoy it more. Claire seemed satisfied in the end. Well, not dissatisfied at least. He didn't felt like he forced her. And he had more project in his mind. Maybe he could arrange something with Zoe, if he got rid of Nick and his guilt towards him. Or Valentina. She was single too, maybe he could enjoy some latina action. What about Claire and Valentina?
His fantasies drifted quite a while before he started to come back to reality. First, he would have to understand what effect did the ring had. So that means research. And experimentation.And he particularly enjoyed that aspect.
He watched Claire, one last time. He thought about her body; her tongue, her boobs, her face.
Best birthday ever!
- COMMENTS
The storyline is a little predictable and naive, though it was quite charming. The mistakes, poor grammar and sentence construction was too distracting. For example; 'Salient' would have been a great word choice... if it was in context. Without context, it just hangs there, like a pregnant pause. 'Prominent' would have worked.
Dont give up, start using an editor or at least a proof-reader.
I am guessing your first language is not English. The way your sentence construction takes place and the word choices make that obvious. I would suggest you may wish to get an editor. The premise is good. The storyline is good but gets diminished by the mistakes which an editor would catch.
Not a bad start to a story, this has potential. I hope to see where you take the story. I will be honest. I have a soft spot in my heart for stories about rings because my introduction to erotic mind control stories were stories with magical rings. They are still my favorite mind controlling device or magical item in a story. One thing I noticed about the delivery of the story, especially in the beginning, is when you want to give us facts and descriptions try to make them smoother. When you were describing the friends and their relationships it was a little disconnected for me. It was like the information was being sent in a very rigid or strict format. I like to say that writing is like a river. Each sentence should flow naturally and smoothly into the next sentence. When this happens the current sucks in the reader and they travel down the story. The best way to do this in my opinion is to write like you speak and not like you think.
Loved it, but would have liked to heard how she swallowed his cock with her pussy. How she had to struggle to get the full lenght of his hard cock in her.