All Comments on 'Heartbreak Hotel'

Agent and that if you can get it on your expense report she will get it. Or better yet, that you work for the Internal Revenue but feel in a forgiving mood if more is arrangeable.

Nice work Author first time out too

I loved your ending.

Boyd

Good story, but during the 3rd or 4th paragraph before the end, you started switching between "I"'s and "He"'s. just something to look out for.

What would you expect the ending to be for a six foot, 270 pound fat guy who never met this girl before. True love?

I liked the head-snapper at the end. Caught me napping.

Your dialogue needs a little work. There are too many unqualified quotes, which is to say, I lost track of which party was speaking. The occasional "he said" or "she asked" would have made the story flow more smoothly for me.

Not a bad effort!

Not very erotic. Story is too short.

This was either a very poorly done take-off on "The One hundred dollar misunderstanding" - which was predictated on the difficulty a preppy white kid had understanding the patois spoken by a very young black whore -

or a complete misunderstanding of how whores work - the fee is set and collected in advance

I found the change of person ("He groaned as my rod entered her") puzzling; not all that well written, but shows promise...

'My eyes rolled back into his skull as he came.'

Your eyes rolled back into someone else's skull? Please read your work before submitting it

My only Criticism is it jump's between First and Third Person a couple of time's other than that a very good first effort