All Comments on 'NewU Pt. 20'

"Yes, Sir. I will endeavor to not give you cause to lobotomize yourself."

Priceless.

Another excellent chapter. Please keep them coming.

Outstanding as always! 5 stars!

Thanks for all the parts so far! Great story and amazing plot and character development. The only complaint I have is that the wait is too long between parts (not really complaining..., this is awesome!).

Excellent! Thank you!

The worst part is waiting for another week. Sigh....

so glad I joined your Patreon page so I can read the chapters before the chapters are posted on Lit.... knocked another one out of the park.... thank you.

It’s taken me 20 chapters to comment. Not because I didn’t want to, but between dawn, dusk, sleeping, personal hygiene etc. I simply haven’t been able to stop reading. It’s unfair really - at least when I pick up a Grisham or Baldacci novel, I know that everything must wait. This story is a masterpiece - simples. Right up there with the likes of AspenEssling (I think that’s the Lit author’s name). Pace, plot, humour, substance before sex; all the attributes of a ripping yarn. You are a talented writer, thanks for sharing!

Dude's got game as a writer!!! Can't wait for more!!!

A VERY long feedback/critique for the author:

In any case you’re doing great work, and I basically binged all 20 chapters—it’s wonderful work, and I’m certainly not at all saying that it’s in any way less than great. I just noticed somethings that you likely know already, or they’re part of the plot already, but juuust in case they aren’t, I wanted to mention them here so maybe it could help in some way. Again, I could be wrong about a lot of things, so take what I say with a bag of salt:

1. Pete’s character isn’t living up to the hype: the revelation of his massive city walls, way back when, was intended to showcase that, as a result of this childhood abuse Pete doesn’t trust anyone, and that he’s smart. As was indicated earlier, P has certainly lost himself post-Faye’s death, but right now he’s basically:

(a) spilling his plans to pretty much everyone he meets without much requisite due diligence (e.g., if he’s sorta given into a darker side, and is being callous, then it would be more believable if instead of simply believing what Fiona and Jerry, he demanded that they let him into their cities and inspect their memories (cz he’s so powerful that they can’t do anything, and cz he thinks that’s the only way to be sure that he can trust them, and ironically in doing that he oversteps) —which contradict the trust issues. Other than that, he also literally seems to believe almost everyone he’s come across (and in some cases we found that this faith was misplaced), without much critical thinking (eg. Anticipating that Evos can “lie”, that the Inquisition could be lying without him knowing about it bc he doesn’t really know much about their powers, that reactions can be faked), which I think which creates avoidable problems, and prevents you from telling an even better plot.

(b) not being smart smart at all—which I think isn’t something that could be claimed to have been caused by losing Faye: eg, he often makes logical errors and assumptions (character wise, he shouldn’t be doing that), his plans are not all that well thought—as even he realizes, he doesn’t do proper detective-work using the process of elimination (which, he should really know about given he’s a coder), and most importantly the story so far isn’t building towards “his enemies are equally smart” but towards “his allies are equally dumb going towards”. eg. In the Accords, The Inquisition agreeing to not knowing who they communicate with, never having common-sense in person meetings and audits, and never putting a system in place that at least informs them of leadership change. You know? Further, I think P—given that he just shot people and has gone to the dark side for a bit, should also have his “smarts” transform into cunningness (or at least having that impression), and maybe even committing some horrors like apathy-driven sadistic genocide (perhaps to realize that merging with Faye made him vulnerable to mind manipulation that even he can’t detect, and because of which he might have to let her go)

(c) We need to build back to having a very serious, formidable villain or threat. Prior to the party, the High-Inquisitor was suuuper mysterious and threatening in every sense of the way. I feel like we now we know too much and the King’s reveal isn’t going to be as meaningful. Why? Bc we can just hit him with a rock or shoot him lol.

(d) There are a lot of pieces that you have introduced that need to be tied first, to clean up the narrative, that somehow seem a bit forgotten Eg, Evie’s uniqueness, Evos being able to pool power, there being 100,000 conclave members, Charlotte’s secret, The vault (where people can hide stuff) etc. Maybe this is temporary but it’s somewhat feeling like concepts are forgotten until they become super relevant again, and that some previous potentially very juicy plot lines have completely been abandoned (eg., Evie being the key to understanding inquisitors, a manipulated/inquisitor-terrified Charlotte being the actual unintentional mole but her secret would’ve been hidden in a super secret vault).