by lilgirlsix
You've got my attention. Looking forward to reading more.
I didn't see this post and missed it. I saw chapter 2 today and decided to check out chapter 1 first. It grabbed me and now I get to go chapter 2.
Great start, glad to see you're back writing. I really like your stuff, especially the last series about mind control. I know I'm getting into this late, but I'm looking forward to catching up.
There's a total lack of descriptive terms or verity of vocabulary. Most of the sentences read like a training aid for second graders learning to read and write. Instead of: "She couldn't see the blue eyes watching through the window." How about: "Lost in her bliss, Karen was unaware of the twin frozen orbs hovering just above the window seal gazing at her with an unmistakable look of lust."
There's so much potential here but none of it is being realized. You've setup a scene with major potential for a physical altercation, voyeurism, unrequited love, lust and love-at-first-sight and yet it's a page long with zero adjectives. *Sigh*, I'm going to bed.
Give it up, bro. You can't force a female's affections. Or easily deflect them if you don't want them, for that matter. :P
I like the way you describe that little scene....
But the story seems interesting .... On to chapter 2....
I was reading another comment from someone who says that your style of writing was too simplistic and suggested you use some roundabout (and often, archaic) way of describing your scenes. You style is clean, refreshing, and succinct. Too many stories are written by people who think that their descriptions should be flowery, ornamental and, frankly, obnoxiously pretentious. I think your way leaves room for my own imagination and descriptions to flourish. Just a thought. Thank you.
With respect to the comment: "There's a total lack of descriptive terms . . . Instead of: "She couldn't see the blue eyes watching through the window," how about: "Lost in her bliss, Karen was unaware of the twin frozen orbs hovering just above the window seal gazing at her with an unmistakable look of lust." "
. . . I have to say, if I saw "Lost in her bliss, Karen was unaware of the twin frozen orbs hovering just above the window seal gazing at her with an unmistakable look of lust," I would fall about laughing. How pretentious!
This is my second time reading this story and just like the first time I'm captivated love this story great job
I just read your comment and so happy you are are doing well. I am just starting to reread your stories. Can't wait for new ones.
I'm continuing as there is ending on your story and it's interesting story line 5