by alexcarr
I'm guessing (hoping actually) that you're trying for some kind of parody of an archaic writing style, perhaps mocking some specific genre of early-to-mid-20th-Century English "Boy's stories," but it's coming across as awfully clumsy.
I don't think it's really working out, resulting in something doesn't really work as humour (barely raises a smirk) erotica (no stirrings in the loins are evoked) or pastiche.
For Christ's sake, contractions are not evil. Please, use one now and then.