Dear Diary 7_21

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Dear Diary,

Well diary, I found myself dreaming of the voice again last night. I can't seem to shake these scenes playing out nightly in my head. Long ago, when the dreams began, they were so different. Back then there was no physical presence I could associate with the voice. These were all short vignettes, a touch, a feeling, but the voice was faceless. Now that has all changed. Ever since our relationship began I've associated him with the voice of my fantasies. Even now, after the cowardice way in which he left, I still feel him. Unlike any other man, yet no different than any other I've known before.

This time, as I drifted off to sleep, I tried hard to think of an old crush or flame from the past, useless. Again he came to me, but now he comes only when I sleep. Again I succumb to his strong baritone voice......

I'm alone in the house. I can tell I've been drinking. No doubt I'm trying to drown the memories again. I have the stereo turned up. Since I have the house all to myself, I'm wearing just a t-shirt dress as usual. It's nice to get a break from being 'mommy' sometimes. Nights when my child is away always make me remember the freedom I once had. Few pressures, few responsibilities and rarely clothed at home.

A guilty smile comes to my face. It'd been years since I'd watched a porn movie so early in the evening. I've certainly not been able to do it in my own room, my own bed. Always afraid my son would discover me I'd kept that to late nights and always in the computer room where he's be less apt to hear anything. Tonight though, tonight I'm alone. Free to rediscover myself without fear of being caught.

As I search through the small hidden stash of movies, I can't decide on what to watch. I grab them all and head to my room, stopping to grab the bottle and shot glass I'd left on the coffee table. The thrill of being able to leave the door open and turn the volume up has already set in. I root through the stack of DVDs and make my viewing choice. I pop the movie into the player and climb up onto my bed. Pouring another drink I settle back and begin to enjoy the first scene. The alcohol and the movie begin taking affect and a warm feeling begins to flow through my body. I close my eyes and begin to touch myself softly through my clothing as I listen to the movie play on. I love porn with good audio and this one is really good. I turn up the volume and a smile comes to my face. I think of how the world outside is going on without me while I lay here and escape in my own private way. I've played for lovers before but it's never been quite the same as when alone. This is just for me, for my own pleasure and no others.

I'm lying there exposed, alone in my own little fantasy world. The sounds of the movie take me deeper into the crevices of my mind's desires. Farther and farther away I travel, away from reality and into that place I so rarely am able to retreat to. I've brought my toys to bed with me and am enjoying all they offer. I hear a woman moaning, crying out for more; demanding more. She pleads and begs for her partner to do the things she longs for him to do to her; with her. I'm only partially aware that the calls are my own as they mingle with the woman on screen. Each time I get closer to the edge I slow myself, wanting to prolong this as long as I can. I love building the want and the need to as high a level as I can possible stand before allowing myself to move past that edge and freefall back to reality.

I open my eyes and he's there, watching me. He'd watched me play before but never like this. I'm frozen in time. What can't be more than a moment seems to go on for minutes. As I begin to comprehend and react to his presence he moves in. Scurrying away from him I feel his hand grasp my ankle. I'm caught. Fighting to break free of the hold he has on me, I realize it's futile. Much like his mental hold over me, I can't escape. As he pulls me back to the center of the bed he climbs atop me. Using his weight he keeps me from going anywhere. Just as I think to scream he looks into my eyes. Suddenly I stop fighting him. He wins again.

He's been in my bed before. He knows about the handcuffs hanging, attached to pieces of material tied to the headboard. I whimper as he shuts each bracelet around my wrists. Hunting through the room for something to secure my legs, he finds a pair of scarves. He makes quick work of tying each leg to the posts on the footboard. When he finishes, he walks back toward the center of the bed. Grabbing a pillow he uses his free hand to lift my midsection up just enough to slide the pillow beneath. I'm laying here, pelvis elevated by the pillow, all extremities immobilized. As he climbs onto the bed I can only assume he's planning on taking me however he wishes to. I'm confused. He sits down near the foot of the bed, between my tied legs, the light from the DVD providing him with a perfect view of my body. The hem of the dress I wear is around my waist, working its way there during the struggle.

Finally, the voice speaks to me. He tells me he'd been watching for a short while but that he's have stood there for a lifetime if he were able. Grabbing the toy that I'd been so enthusiastically using earlier he runs his tongue up the side. 'I can taste you', the voice seems deeper than usual. The moisture I feel between my legs increases to the point that it's escaping my body and running down the crack of my ass. His position allows him to see this and a smile appears on his face.

'So that's how you want it? Like this?' No sooner are the words out of his mouth do I feel him thrust the toy deep within me. I let out a moan and he pulls the toy completely out. I feel empty now. The feeling is short lived and again he thrust the toy into me. The whole time he's talking to me, telling me that he's going to do to me after he finishes with the toy. He tells me to look at the television and watch what's happening on the screen. I watch. 'You like that don't you? You like watching the things he's doing to her. So you want me to do those things to you? As I listen to his voice and watch I fight not to answer him. He persists. Thrusting my toy deep within me and telling me the things he has planned. His pace quickens as he keeps talking. All that I can feel in the toy; all that I can hear is the voice. My heart is racing now. I'm fighting this like I always do. I want it to go on as long as I can hold out. As my will power fades I feel the wave come over me. He can sense what's about to happen, he's watched this so many times before. As I give in I can feel the spray. He watches as wave after wave runs through my body and finally escapes.

As my heart beat slows I see the look in his eyes. I know what he's thinking and I want what he wants. Just as I'm about to beg him to do the things he'd promised I hear a noise in the kitchen. Startled I sit up straight in bed only to realize it's all been a dream. I'm alone in my bed. The noise is my son, hunting for something in the refrigerator.

Diary, somehow I've got to make these stop. I need to disassociate this man from the voice of my dreams.