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Click here"We have to discuss this," I thought to myself, "and oh boy, I'm in a lot of trouble." As we walked outside.
- COMMENTS
The story is really good as was the first one. The writing is some better but you still need to get a proofreader. The previous commenter is correct. You need to go over every word. Then read it out loud and see if what you are saying makes sense (not since). Get someone to proofread it for grammar, punctuation, and continuity before posting. The one's listed here are really good and happy to do it. As a benefit, you know, they get to read the story before it is even submitted. So they are happy. The last scene at Kohl's is another stroke of genius as a 'cliff-hanger' into the next chapter. Don't use 'Spell-Check'. If you want to become a better writer, that is. Using one will make you get lazy as far as paying attention to what you are writing. If the discovery of fire was man's first friend, then developing Language was his second. Don't dilute it. Use it well, as it always makes the story better the better it is told.
It is indeed a nice try, but you desperately need to contact one of the free editors here on lit.. I have worked with quite a few 'newbies' and I know several of the other editors that would enjoy working with you. You need to read every word you write BEFORE you submit. Let me know if I can help.