One Step at a Time Pt. 01

Having your husband leave you barely a year after your wedding is humiliating. Having him leave you for another man is worse. I spent months wondering if I had somehow failed or if I had driven him away from women. I blamed Andrew for misleading me and blamed myself for not seeing this coming.

We began dating late in our second year of college and quickly became exclusive. We married right after graduation. I was happy in our relationship, mostly satisfied in bed, and assumed that having checked off life's married box, I could now look forward to the successful career and motherhood boxes.

It took almost a year before the divorce was final. I was able to work out a way to keep the house we had just bought although money would be tight for a while. I could now look at the rest of my life and where it might go.

Friends helped me to face what had happened and why it wasn't going to unhappen. I found myself leaning a lot on Becca. We had worked together and had become friends early in my career. After she moved to another company, we remained close and I had attended her wedding to Katt.

Since Becca was lesbian, it might have seemed strange for me to complain about my husband coming out. Maybe though, she was the perfect friend to help me understand. She told me how she had thought she was gay as early as high school but denied it to herself and didn't have anyone to talk to about how she felt. Before she came out in college Becca had dated guys and told me that she still felt guilty, thinking that she had possibly misled them.

When we had "the conversation," Andrew kept apologizing. I was in denial about my life falling apart and wasn't ready to forgive him then. Now I wondered what might happened had he felt comfortable coming out before we got serious. I thought about his conservative parents and how happy they were when we announced our engagement. Maybe he was so busy seeking their approval that he didn't see what he was doing to me. Probably they suspected and were glad that he was marrying a woman.

Going to work hungover one morning, I decided that drinking was only going to add to my problems without solving anything. I needed to find a way to move on with my life so I tried counseling instead and found a good therapist.

A really good therapist who helped me to see what was and wasn't in my control. She got me to look less at what had happened and more about where I wanted to go instead. Did I want to start dating? What would it take for me to trust someone enough to think about remarrying? The career box was still okay but I needed to think about whether I wanted to recheck the marriage box and what about the one for motherhood?

Near the end of a weekly counselling session, she asked me to think about what I had lost by dating one guy for most of college and then marrying young. "What did you give up that you might have done if your life hadn't taken that direction?" She told me to think about it so we could talk about it next week.

I did think about it. A lot. On one hand, having grown up in a traditional family where I was taught that girls marry and have kids early, I was proud of finding someone so quickly. Some of my friends were blatantly jealous of me and if I didn't exactly gloat, I did quietly congratulate myself for winning one of life's battles.

But on the other hand, I was quietly jealous of my friends who used college as a time for fun, growth, and even experimentation. I wouldn't have wanted to try the pattern of friends who practiced serial monogamy, dating and sometimes sleeping with multiple guys each month. More common were the ones who would date a guy for several months, break up with him, and then look for someone else. It wasn't the number of guys I envied as much as the variety from which they were able to pick. Instead, I had sought commitment and assumed that breaking up would be a failure.

That's what I told my therapist the following week. She acknowledged my answer but pushed me further. What specific things might I have done if Andrew and I hadn't become a couple so quickly. My life became regimented early which probably locked me in for more than dating. Might I have changed majors? Run for student government? Done a semester abroad?

I admitted wishing that I could have joined two of my friends who were able to study in other countries. Maybe I would have joined some clubs if I hadn't had a boyfriend who I saw almost every evening.

Unfortunately, these were college experiences that, having missed my opportunity, I couldn't go back to try now. One thing I could do, she told me, was to not jump Immediately into another relationship, passing up more opportunities, until I was really sure of what I wanted. I hadn't played the field then but, if I wanted to, I could do that now. She reminded me that I didn't need to sleep with everyone I dated but that dating a range of guys would hopefully help me to find the real Mr. Right this time.

Dinner at Becca and Katt's. I told them about what my therapist had said and that, when I felt ready to date again, I wasn't going to get locked in to the first guy I slept with.

Katt smiled teasingly at me. "Are you sure it will be a guy?" Becca gave her an eyebrow raised glare.

I was used to Katt and her teases so I didn't take offense. "Yeah, pretty sure." I had some friends in college who experimented that way but I had a boyfriend and hadn't been tempted. I wouldn't have been tempted even without a boyfriend, right?

Was that right? I thought back to a party at Andrew's house where we were playing never-have-I-ever and truth-or-dare encouraged by lots of alcohol. Andrew's housemate, who could be weird when he was sober, tended to be an asshole when he was drunk and he dared my roommate to kiss me. She and I were also a bit drunk and with the encouragement of everyone else we did. We actually put on sort of a show, deep kissing and rubbing our boobs together. After, I was mad at Andrew's housemate, mad at Andrew for not stepping in, and mad at myself for going along with it.

My roommate and I never discussed it but I fessed up to Becca and Katt, telling them the story in what I thought would be an amusing way. Katt pushed me "Did you like it? Did you ever think about doing it again?

I gulped but told them the truth. It was nice in a way that was different from kissing a guy. I liked the way her lips felt and the softness of her body. But that was it. I was in a committed relationship and never thought about making out like that again with a guy or a girl.

Katt let it go but she got me thinking about some of my more daring friends who had experimented in college. It wasn't just sexual experimentation--they were just more willing to take risks than I had been. Being in a committed relationship might have actually been an excuse to live a safe life. Now that I wasn't in a committed relationship, might I be tempted to try different things like they had?" Was that included in what my therapist was asking about regarding catching up on things I didn't do in college? I would have to think about this one. A lot.

Continuing to surprise myself, I did think about it. I actually checked out a skydiving school before I chickened out. I considered some other exciting but less extreme activities but none of these appealed to me either. I also gave a lot of thought to my sexual history before and during my time with Andrew and what experimentation I might be willing to try. I've never had a one-night stand and maybe I should do that at least once. While I know of some sexual practices that sound hot, I'm not sure if they'd be as good in real life as they sound.

Katt's "are you sure it will be a guy?" question also jumped around in my head. I had always considered myself fully heterosexual but found myself thinking about when I had kissed my roommate. I finally admitted to myself how much I had liked it and wondered if she did. What might have happened if we had discussed it? I couldn't decide if I was really tempted or if this was just because I was still furious at Andrew and was looking for a way to get back at him.

There is no point in going to a therapist if you aren't going to be honest so I told her what I had been thinking about. She was non-judgmental but urged me to be careful and not just about jumping out of an airplane. I was still recovering from what I mostly viewed as a betrayal. Casual dating and maybe casual sex would be a good idea when I felt ready, but I probably wasn't ready to commit to a new relationship. I didn't feel ready for casual sex yet, let alone for something as complicated as experimenting with a same-sex relationship. Even if I was serious about that, she warned me that I could end up doing to some other woman what had been done to me by leading someone on. Once again, she gave me good advice and left me with a lot to think about.

Becca and I met up for lunch and she apologized for Katt's teasing. I told her it was okay and that, actually, she had gotten me wondering. She gave me her raised eyebrow look.

"Oh my God. You aren't thinking about it, are you?"

"Um. No. Maybe? I don't really know. Maybe thinking?"

"Oh my God."

"Yeah."

"What is it that you're thinking about? Do you just want to get laid in a different way or do you really think you might want to try a relationship with a woman."

"I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone but I think Amazon is suspicious about how often they're delivering batteries." So yeah, I think I'd like to try sex with someone other than my vibrator. Anyone. Almost anyone."

"Hmmm."

"Hell, I wouldn't even know where to start. I know that if I wanted to I can hit the bars on any weekend and probably find a guy to sleep with but I wouldn't know where to look for a woman if I did want to." I looked into her eyes remembering saying she felt guilty about misleading the guys she had dated before she came out and I remembered how I felt when Andrew first told me that he was leaving me for another guy. "If I was hooking up with a woman just to experiment, I'd want to make sure that she didn't think it was more."

I couldn't believe that I had actually said that out loud. Actually, I really couldn't believe that I was thinking it. I hoped I hadn't offended Becca.

"First, thank you for not wanting to just experiment without her knowing what she getting into. I have friends who have gotten hit on by bi-curious women and it really pissed them off when they discovered that they were just someone's fantasy." I nodded. "But, if you decide you want to pursue this, we should talk. I may have someone for you."

Gulp.

We all got busy at the same time so I didn't get together with Becca for a month or otherwise follow up. We were again having dinner but this time she and Katt came over to my place. Sex and dating didn't come up during dinner and I certainly wasn't planning to bring it up.

Becca was the one who finally raised the topic as we sat in the living room with our drinks. "So, Katt has a cousin who got really drunk at a family wedding last year and ended up confessing to the whole table that she wanted to try sex with a woman. Everyone was talking about what it was like being married and I guess she was influenced by how happy Bec and I are."

They looked at me waiting for a response. Since Andrew and I started dating in college, I've never had anyone try to set me up on a date with anyone. I wasn't sure how to answer so I gave an obvious response that would let me delay any possible commitment.

"Um. Tell me more."

They did, giving me the basic rundown. Katt's cousin Jaime was about my age and worked at another company in our field. Then they got into the interesting stuff. Jaime had been in a serious relationship and everyone figured that they'd get married. Something happened and they broke up. Until her outburst at the wedding, they assumed she was straight.

"Jamie might be straight. Maybe she was just having the post-breakup-attending-a-wedding-blues. Maybe she's bi-curious. Maybe she's really lesbian. I really don't know but since you both seem to be in an experimental state of mind, maybe you should meet and see if you're on the same wavelength. What the hell. What do you have to lose?"

* * * * *

Leaving all the sexuality stuff out of it, I was glad that I met Jamie. It turned out that we had a lot in common and could easily be friends. But, given why Becca and Katt introduced us, there was an underlying tension when we met. Katt had given Jamie the basics about me and she had agreed that it was worth meeting with no commitments from anyone about anything. Despite her wedding outburst, she wasn't really sure that she wanted to pursue this either.

Of course, none of that came up during dinner at their house. We just chatted about people we know in common, movies we'd like to see, and other non-threatening stuff. But, by the end of the evening, Katt smiled broadly when Jamie and I agreed to meet up for dinner later in the week.

* * * * *

It's not unusual for me to run into an appointment at the last minute but I admitted to myself that I was excited to see Jamie which is why I got there about twenty minutes early. I figured I'd grab a table where I could watch for her but instead, she was waiting for me when I came in. When we ordered drinks, she confessed that she didn't want to be late so she had intended to get there early. We smiled at the picture of both of us being OCD about not being late.

After we ordered, we continued with the no-risk "getting to know you" chat that we had started earlier. After a while, Jamie shifted gears for both of us. "I'm guessing that Becca told you about my big announcement at that wedding?"

I had been waiting for our conversation to move in that direction and I nodded. "Yeah, she did. Was that a real conversation stopper?"

"I think it distracted everyone's attention from the bride and groom. But maybe in vino, veritas." She smiled at me.

I smiled back. "I don't have the excuse of wine for blabbing out the truth. I'm guessing that Katt told you about my conversation with Becca?"

"Yeah. She told me that you were also curious but wasn't sure if you wanted to act on it. That's pretty much where I am too. Curious. Intrigued. Despite what I said at the wedding though, also sort of scared."

I recapped my life story for her--conservative upbringing, early exclusive relationship, early marriage. Quick divorce. Wondering what I had missed. My memory of my truth and dare kissing my roommate. She listened quietly as I spoke, nodding her head.

Then, she told me more of her story. She had dated guys in high school and college and was in what seemed like a serious relationship with a guy. "But it didn't feel right even though everyone kept telling me how lucky I was and how perfect we were for each other. I think both of us knew that something was wrong and it wasn't going to work out. Splitting up was mutual but it hurt when he almost immediately found someone else. I took a total break from dating instead."

Our food was served and we paused to eat. It gave me time to think about what was happening and what I would say next. When the server left, Jamie continued. "I think I was more surprised by my announcement at the wedding than anyone else. But it got me thinking."

"So, what is it that you're thinking? And what have you decided?"

"Well, I haven't decided anything. I know that I'm curious about women. I know that I'm tempted to explore. The thought of being with a woman is arousing to me but it's also sort of scary." She sipped her wine. "So, mark me down as confused."

"Me too. I'm surprising myself even by thinking about this. I've always assumed that I was straight and I think that I am. But I also know that the more I think about it, the more curious I am. It started with thinking about friends who experimented but it hasn't gone away. I'm fighting it but I'd probably regret it forever if I jumped into a relationship with a guy without at least working it out in my head about what I want. Honestly, it might not be fair to the guy and after what I just went through, I'm worried about hurting someone else that way."

We silently addressed our dinner with both of us deep in thought. Finally, she spoke. "I said that something was missing in my relationship and I don't know if dating a woman would be any different. It might just be me."

"But it might not."

"No, it might not. That's what I think I want to know." She smiled at me. "If nothing else, I might have some fun. I may not know until I try."

That got me thinking. Was experimenting just me looking for a different type of sex, like some of the people I knew who explored in college? Or just looking for sex at all? Or was I serious about looking for a relationship with a woman? I had no answers to my questions but I took a shot at it anyway.

"Yeah, maybe I'm just looking for fun too but I agree. I may not know until I try. The problem is that I'm terrifying of trying."

"Why terrified?"

Good question. "Growing up in a conservative family, I don't think I've ever thought that I wasn't straight." Thinking I may not be freaks me out even though it also excites me."

"And it would freak out your family?"

"Yeah, it definitely would freak out my family."

"I think I hear you. I've always assumed I was straight because I always assumed it. It wasn't my upbringing though since my parents were always pretty accepting of everyone. When Katt brought a girl home from school for a holiday, I don't think anyone cared." She shrugged. "They probably weren't surprised anyway."

We returned to our meals for a while before she said what I had been thinking. "It doesn't sound like either one of us is looking for a relationship and neither one of us knows for sure what we'd want in a relationship. I think we're both open to having someone to hang out and do things with." I nodded my agreement with that, again thinking that Jaime and I might just become good friends. "But we're both thinking that we're open to some type of experimenting, no strings attached. Maybe more than open to it--looking for it."

She had put her finger right on it. In my counseling, we had talked about what I had passed up in college by getting into a relationship so quickly. My friends had experimented with relationships and some of them had experimented with their sexuality. It wasn't just that I hadn't experimented at all, I hadn't even thought that there was anything to experiment with. Finding a guy, marrying him, and having his babies. I got the first two but I now saw that I had sacrificed some other things to reach that goal.

We looked at the dessert menu and ordered tiramisu with two forks and I responded back to her comment with a question. "When you talk about experimenting what does look like to you? Where are the limits?"

Dessert came and we dug in before she answered my question with a question of her own. "Do you remember the first guy you made out with?" she asked. Doesn't everyone? Of course I did but that wasn't what she meant. "Did you know what you wanted and how far you'd go?"

I had known and now I knew how naïve I had been then. "I wanted to kiss him on the lips but I wasn't really sure what it would be like. I was afraid that he'd want to feel me up and I absolutely wasn't going to let him do that." I smiled thinking back to 9th grade. "Kissing was great and he never moved his hands off this own lap so it was all good." I smiled again.

"Yeah, pretty similar. Each first experience, I felt excited by what I wanted to do but was also scared. I committed to myself what I would do and that there was no way I'd go past that. I wasn't great at communicating to the guy beforehand but it did work out."

"I remember wanting a guy to touch me and stuff but also being afraid of it. What if my mom found out? What would my friends say? Would he tell everyone in school and wreck my good girl reputation?" Being a teenager and dating were pretty scary.