All Comments on 'This Lie of Love We Made Ch. 02'

Style wise, I think it would help to write tighter, which is admittedly easier said than done. Without direct editing I can only sum it up in generalities. For one, unless you're writing dialogue, don't write as you would speak (i.e. don't write "er stood"). Write the sentence, then read it afterwards and try to remove unnecessary filler. Also, you can almost certainly remove all the text in the parentheses. Seriously, try to read the chapter without those tangents - nothing would be lost. If it's an important point, work it directly into the narration, otherwise remove it.

Maybe also cool it with the references to present events/knowledge. It's distracting when you skip around constantly throughout the text and that part at the end of the chapter does enough to frame the story. I know you feel the need to contrast the past with the present, but if you're writing about the past, write about that. Later, when further events happen, you can do the comparison. That's story development.

Content wise, I enjoyed it. There isn't much story progress, mostly because the chapter is short. I think you strike a good balance of detail and moving the story forward.

I liked Karen's orgasm inside the locker, as well as her thoughts about Katherine and the effect it had on her, and on Sarah. It still feels a bit more non-consentual than I'd expect, but that doesn't detract from the story.

Though I like the story itself, I got seriously annoyed in every second paragraph by the hints on what would be different in the future. They just break the flow and don't help at all. Reduce this to 10% and it would probably still be too much.