All Comments on 'The Black Football Roommate and Gf Ch. 01'
by gman13579
- 30 Comments
Very difficult to read because of the missing words, incorrect words, and awkward sentences in almost every paragraph... The following example is in your second paragraph.
"His buddies had backed out on him and he just needed a place. I was opposed to it, he'd be busy and so would I so I emailed him back to with my phone number and said we should meet up and grab a drink."
The third paragraph isn't any better. Go back and read the last sentence out loud. How does it sound to you?
It was a good story but missing some words and grammar errors. Would recommend finding one of us on here that are Volunteer Editor's and have us help you prior to posting your next chapter.
I realize a white women is a black mans greatest desire in life however writing about it with a 3 grade education doesn't work. Get some help , use spell check. You really need help with sentence structure. It literally hurts to read (try to read) some of your sentences. Simply takes you out of the story. Sorry but in a nutshell your work sucks. Keep dreaming , I mean thats what MLK told you to do isn't it.
THERE IS AN EDIT COMING. Apologize for the submission this was written quickly without a second glance.
I have a few stories on this site myself and people are very critical. The main thing is to write from the heart and you will get better with time. Ignore the haters, which interracial stories ALWAYS seem to get. Personally, I liked this one. Good start.
I agree, people are always very critical on this site, but it does help you get better. Good story and I hope you internalize all comments and not the negative ones. There are too many times new authors get scared away. Write what you like and someone else will like it to.
I have no problem with a white woman being with a black guy or vice-versa. However, I totally have a problem with a girlfriend cheating on her boyfriend and a friend/roommate having no morals / qualms about having sex with his friend/roommates girlfriend. Nothing about that is sexy, its just wrong and disturbing. Further, the implication that the boyfriend would be excited by it, rather than upset, is a load of crap unless he never seriously cared about her in the first place. Not exiting, not sexy, not erotic, just sad...
Great little story, looking forward to your continuation and/or other stories.
I have to agree that you need someone else to read your work before you submit it. Spellcheck will only tell you if a word is spelled correctly but not if it the wrong word such as "shoes" when you meant "shows." you could have expanded this story by explaining what Dana and Jason were doing when Derrick went to be before Dana. It would have set the stage for what happened at the party. Also there could have been more action between Dana and Jason on the dance floor. Keep writing, just don't get in a hurry.
This is a great start to a fantastic story. Can not wait for further adventures with these three.
Please re-read your work before submitting it. There were lots of typos otherwise it was a good story
Very hot story. Yeah, you had some problems with grammar and spelling but it was like you were just sitting around with buddies telling the story. I enjoyed it. Got me rock hard. Hope you keep writing.
Good story and I will keep reading them but you need to go through and proof read what you have. You have the instead of then once and talker instead of taller. Do this out loud if possible. It will help you find some of the errors. Good luck!
Just wanted to say thanks. Reading this story last night got me so horned up that I had to read the story twice just to jerk off! So thanks! And please put more stories out, please, thanks!
Really enjoyed this story and can't wait for the next chapter. Hope Jason knocks Dana up!
Such a good story can not wait for more chapters. Might be better with less grammatical errors, but I'm not here for grammar lessons. I'm here for good erotic stories and this is definately one. Keep writing please because I need to know what happens next. Thanks for sharing.
Good beginning. But yes, proofread or have someone else do if you're cool with that. Can't wait to see this triangle moving forward.
I liked this story. Typos etc are irritating but so what. The action was well discribed, & there was plenty of it.
I liked the story. You have a good start, but you need to proofread and spell check. I look forward to reading more.
I liked the first chapter so far, and I can tell that this story has a lot of potential. The climax in this chapter (no pun intended) was really good, but one thing I want to stress is that stories should never be rushed. Maybe details aren't your thing, but your readers are going to be able to visualize the scenes better when there are more details. An easy 3 pages could've been made out of this chapter alone if you had just expanded the content. Nevertheless, I didn't come to analyze your work, but it was a well-conceived plot with some mistakes, yet entertaining.
"... It's not like I'm gonna steal your girlfriend or anything."
lol I mean,if this isn't worth at least a beating afterwards, solely for the sure arrogance of it...
It's one thing to be cheated on - can happen to anyone/everyone; what makes you a cuck, though, is not do anything about it.
I hear this is becoming more common where white college girls/wives are cheating with black guys with or without their bfs/hubbies’ approval . So sad☹️