The Visitor

It's sort of difficult to believe that author is a woman. She consistently paints women as pathetic creatures

Well written. Like an LW version of an Edgar Allan Poe revenge story.

This author presents vulnerability so well that dozens of readers are compelled to defend her...against attacks that are, logically speaking, similar to lemmings disappearing beneath the waves. More better to conserve one's energy for marveling.

WOW. That’s all that needs to be said.

shr

Seems like Tom just exposed two cheating worthless cunts to each other. Two horrible people married to each other on a crash course headed towards failure. All Tom did was bring the failure faster.

Again...unlikeable characters. This author is really good at writing people I would hate and avoid in real life.

Sounds like Jack was a complete cunt. She was lucky to find out and be given a simple exit from her mistake

Tom did Jack a favor by exposing wifes cheating ass early...

Great short story. Tom.got revenge and destroyed their marriage. Regardless of what Jack did (or did not do) to Tom in the past, Jack's wife betrayed and him and there is no going back.

Powerfully written. Unlike other reviewers, I don't feel the need to have everything answered or over-explained. That's not how real life is, and rarely is it a mark of good writing. You write well, it just happens to be your subject is erotica. :)

Another story about nothing.

2 starrs

dirtball

i don't understand

If Tom was right then Jack deserved it. Everyone deserves to have a taste of their own medicine

Another excellently written story without an ending. This author is an excellent writer but for some reason seems to almost always end the story before the real ending. We need a "Paul Harvey" to tell us "the rest of the story". In this case, there is a lot left untold. Was Jack really that stupid as to go after Tom's girlfriend and not expect any repercussions? What made Kelly so susceptible to Tom? Was Tom exaggerating or was Jack (still) chasing other women even while married? Did Kelly really mind ending her marriage?

Didn't really like the start of the story. Don't think it really helped the story at all.

In the end, well written but too many holes for me to give a 5.

Another great one, the meeting of three flawed people, two of them with a dark past.

I had read this one a while ago, but I was too "green" at the time to appreciate the quality of your writing. It's superb!

and erotic as fuck.

Why do your women disproportionately succumb to the slut ray? Seriously: You're telling a compelling story, than the woman just can't control herself. What? I don't know these women. Not that I want to.

There are tons of great writers on this site, some are friends of mine but in my estimation, GirlintheMoon tops us all. No one understands human emotions as she does and no one can express them better. I gave this the same score I give to all her stories, 5 stars.

Jack just stands there...uh huh. Another story of two narcissists and the copyrighted, LW weak, cuck husband character dressed up in bodice-ripper language.

Great story - thanks for sharing.

He told Tom everything?

Average

Tom got revenge.

Both assholes

She cheated by being caught in middle.

If that's all it took to break them up, they are better off with other people. Clear the chessboard and start again.

Beautiful language, short and choppy. I could see it coming, unable to stop it, unable to stop reading.

Wonderful!

Thank you!

=a

Whenever there is a mystery, you may not know what it is but you know what size the box has to be to fit it in. The mystery between Jack and Tom is too big for the box you built for it, and so we are left with utter disbelief at this story's core, at least we are if we take your work at all seriously.

First off, you write well. I particularly like the female perspective and your attempt to at least try to make the characters complex. However, especially for your verbose and long form style, this story was too short. Even though it was just over 2 pages, it read like a one-page flash story. There is no real delving into the marriage relationship, no dealing with the aftermath, and so really no ending other than alleging the completion of the tsunami metaphor, that she is gone with the backwash.

There is some unbelievability, bordering on slut ray territory, in how quickly Kelly succumbs to Tom, perhaps a function of the flash story length. You only have smoldering intensity to explain it and, like the slut ray or a 10-inchcoick, it more stands in for an explanation than is one. In this case, we are left with incomprehensibility other than mere sympathy for the massive wrong Jack did to Tom long ago and her alleged boredom. We are therefore not able to really see into Kelly's brooding obsession with Tom (or why she is bored) and potentially sympathize with her.

There is also a big plot hole in this story (spoiler alert!) where if Tom's revenge plan is to be caught by Jack fucking Kelly, then why is it that only the interruption in the alleyway gets them to change to the home locale? Tom was clearly going to take her right there in the alley, and she was going to let him. So Kelly goes to a much more dangerous place to consummate the liaison, over a couch in her own livingroom, because she is more concerned with strangers catching them than her husband. In the same vein, why is Kelly so clueless as to how much time they have, that Jack not only catches them, but basically catches them from the beginning of the tryst, a beginning that amounts to mere minutes after entering the abode?

Most importantly, the box you build for the secret between Jack and Tom that contains the darkness between them is much too small to contain that secret. Jack (spoiler alert!) fucks Tom's girlfriend and even brags about it humiliating Tom, yet Jack is completely unaware that this might be a problem, that Tom might be mad about it, and that it might explain why Tom didn't show up to Jack's wedding, let alone be his best man? That they even had a falling out over it? What kind of clueless sociopath is Jack, anyway?

So the box you built would be for a peccadillo, something that Jack (innocent and loving Jack) could do (or Tom misconstrue) without thinking or realizing is an issue, not a barn-door sized mortal sin that would kill most friendships on the spot. You try to make it out like Jack was a big man on campus and thus presumably an insensitive prick that would fuck the girlfriend of his best friend with nary a thought, who then changed into the loving and boring animal-loving doc.

"He was a veterinarian, impassioned by helping animals—and humans."

Now he is an impassioned dick. OK. I cannot see Jack making that kind of transition without more than Kelly's whispered admonition that "people change."

Also, if Kelly knows her husband who is "far more innocent and decent than" us, why does she believe Tom without checking with Jack first? And why doesn't she know that Tom just wants a revenge fuck. Why does his past hurt call for sexual release from her (even if it coincides with her boredom)?

I was also disappointed in that you essentially slut-rayed Kelly and came up with the lame "Jack and I hadn't had sex in forever". Seriously? Where did that come from and why is Jack not completely clueless about this? (Oh, the sociopath again cometh!) Nevertheless, he picks that time of all times to break the sex strike with not a bit of awkwardness, let alone acknowledgement of the problem? Again, he's a sociopath.

Finally, the tsunami metaphor is wildly overplayed. It is possible to use a metaphor in a story without it becoming some weird part of the plot. Why is Kelly obsessed with tsunamis? I know about foreshadowing but that is ridiculous and really without foundation (some life experience that explains her interest) and unnecessary as metaphors can be used rhetorically in the story without being a literal thought in the characters mind, let alone a strangely apropos real life obsession of theirs.

[You did this in Riptide as well and while it did have a foundation in the character's back story, you pretty much discounted it when it came time to pull the trigger, i.e. she is so afraid of water that she doesn't even want to be in house near the beach, but yet gets on a boat (twice!) with at best moderate provocation and little resistance.]

In any case, these are issues I would have with a flash story. I expected better with yours. And that's the backhanded compliment that explains this long post.

I love the way you tell a story.

Nicely written.

I can't help feeling sorry for all of them. Do I dislike them? Yeah. Mostly the husband, but mostly I just feel sorry for them.

The wife was acting stupid and selfish. The husband did a terrible thing and never took responsibility. Tom took revenge to a place it should never need to go.

I can't help but think that Tom's reaction, and the whole setting of the story, had a decisively feminine feel to it. If Tom had simply decked the bastard that slept with his girlfriend, with a bat if needed, then he would have committed a crime. The way it turned out, no one did anything against the law, but the scars are so much deeper.

Thanks for a good, quick read. I loved your descriptions of emotions. The story left me wanting to know more, which speaks to the relatability of the characters. This is the first of your stories I've read, so I guess I'll now be obsessed with reading all of your offerings.

I liked the writing, but I rate stories on subject, characters, and how much I enjoy it. I Spelling, grammar, and editing errors mean nothing to me. I did not enjoy the story.

It was sad and involved three sad or totally unaware people. Tom held on to his need for revenge for 10 years, and only came to visit in order to get revenge. And he did, and now he is no better than Jack. Kelly has no will power or self control. I can't believe that a woman that loves her husband could be so easily manipulated into sex especially when she doesn't even like him. Jack is just totally clueless and self absorbed. I'm sorry, but I just did not like it.

at "art". You've done better and been rewarded less.

Not my usual by ant.means, but you are so good that I couldn't pass it up. It rings true, andnsad. I enjoyed it.

Not impressed at all..

5☆. Love your stuff!

The past can come back on you.Tom made her say things that are hard to forgive.

Of course I have read a lot worse and they are back in the saddle in no time.

So succinctly done without losing any feels.

I hated Tom tfrom he very second I started reading this story, for what I knew was about to happen.

I despised Kelly for being a moron from the get go and that didn't change throughout.

And I felt... pity for Jack for being another dense hubbie.

But you managed to subvert my expectations by making me sympathise with Tom and his quest for revenge and hate Jack for sleeping with his friend's college GF.

I am always a BIG fan of subverting expectations, so thank you for that and congrats on a very sweet, albeit short story.

Five stars, only bacause I can't give you six.

First to the other anon ... Amorality? Really? First, this is a porn site, what do you expect? Second, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Now to the author, the only negative I can express is that while your use of metaphore was artfully done, it seemed exagerated for art's sake. Could you have moved me with less? ... mmmmaybe during your opening self defamation, otherwise a resounding no! You most certainly drew me into your head. You are an astounding author! I thank you for the experience! Five stars, favorite story, favorite author.

While I search and rack my brain trying to come up with words to express feelings she reaches down deep and pulls them from her soul.

That's kinda it. You have 4 people (counting Tom's ex) whose word doesn't mean a thing. Is there a person to root for here?

Please keep writing! I'm an old guy who really wants to see more women writing in this category.

Loved it. 5*

Theakston

over melodramtic tbh

I don't get the crazy hate. Do I wish that the author had a follow up? Of course, she's crazy gifted. But I love what she did have. It's amazing.

Or narrator brought back to herself? Many Lit stories, esp mfm threesomes, are comedies, everyone comes to want and celebrate the outreach. Here Jack loved Tom, but that didn't do it. Maybe Tom loved them too. So well written Girl, share more of yourself here, so I won't have to be to be your groupie elsewhere.... you are my only twit w few followers, but u r quality. Tsunamis!

It barely tells a story, except that hubby loves Tom more than wife, and wife decides to fuck guy she hates.

There, 21 words instead of 3 pages.

You made a number of statements about this story. Every one was grossly wrong. Your comment was also poorly written with obvious grammatical mistakes to the point of semi-literacy.

GITM is an excellent writer and this is an outstanding example of her work.

Most of your critics are ignorant of short story form. Pity they are so immature. You put everything that needed to be there, there. Then you didn't put in a single extra thing. Brilliant.

And how childish to demand a happy ending or further explanation.

Congratulations!

but you would love that dear anonny. The pig shit eat of LIT annony!!

Too bad ximand does not have any potential as even the most unenlightened slug.

Having read ALL THE COMMENTS TO ALL OF HER STORIES I can state a well-documented truth.

The most acclaimed authors on this site willingly prostrate themselves at the feet of GirlInTheMoon.

Good story. Four out of five. Well written.

But I need a bit more. Did Jack really screw Tom's girlfriend?

How did they stay friends? How did they stay so out of sync but connected? Why would Jack risk her with Tom under the circumstances?

Was Jack trying to make it up to Tom by staying friends? By offering up his wife as atonement? Or was he testing his wife?

I would love a sequel.

Steve

It is impossible to have it all. If you are with a lighthearted clown, you dream of a silent strong type. If you have that one instead, you miss the conversation and laughter. So, the two options are to either accept limitations or never be happy with anyone. It's not settling- it's settling yourself down so you can be someone worth keeping around. Very nice writing. The woman is the mystery who barely knows herself. Yes, perhaps she should have talked about things.

Not sure why your denigration of men. I am a male and rank GirlInTheMoon as the best author on this site. I have taken issue with every comment by females that denounce her. Fact is I attack anyone who says anything ill about her.

Also worth noting numerous male authors genuflect to her online presence.

Perhaps you are the one who doesn't understand the depth of most males admiration of a woman such as this author and her unsurpassed talent and intellect.

Very well written story! Thanks again!

4.5 stars for the challenge; the perspective; and the compelling… page-turner. Kudos for your impressive writing and thanks. I did leave this tale feeling confused… and a bit like the drama built to a tremendous height and then everything slowly deflated at the end… leaving me and the impact of the tale a little flat. I’m no writer, but I’ll try to explain below.

She acknowledges she was bored. Regrets having not talked with her husband about her boredom… perhaps she wasn’t even consciously aware of her boredom. That’s it? Wow, a little boredom makes her incredibly susceptible to an odd, awkward seduction by a guy she doesn’t even find very attractive? OK, I guess we’re all vulnerable and weak at moments… but she’d recognized something was off from the start … and a little boredom did it?

That’s what I find incredulous… a little boredom did it.

I guess it’s plausible, but if she’s that susceptible to a seduction due to being bored, I can’t help find myself doubting: how much she really loved her husband; how much she and her husband knew each other; how much she values marriage and relationships in general. And if I’m questioning those basic elements of what go into a deep, meaningful relationship, then I feel as though I must question the underlying quality of their relationship and depth of feelings she had: how capable she is to repent; how remorseful she is. Hence, when the magnitude of her feelings come into question, the compelling drama leaves the story. It deflates.

For the drama to persist, it seems the reader must make powerful assumptions - assumptions about her, her husband and their marriage. Assumptions that aren’t supported, grounded, motivated in the story itself. That leap of faith seems to be made by some. I couldn’t/didn’t do it.

Odd, it seems as though you were writing this tale in anticipation of building a defense against the over-the-top BTB crowd, and in doing so, left the reader with profound questions about true nature of her relationship with her husband. Was that the intent? If so, it left me baffled.

It is great. Not flawed.

So you left out a few details. Did any of them affect the story? NO.

Would the inclusion of some more details affect the way we view the characters? Probably.

Do you want these characters to be liked? Obviously not. They are no more despicable than most people but you reveal them all at their worst. When they each go to work the next time they will still be liked or respected just as much as before, because most of the world isn't privy to the betrayals we have just witnessed.

So if including more details helps us like characters who are guilty of despicable acts, why are some commenters pining for more details?

Because we want to make excuses for x, y or z, and pretend that at least one of them was a victim.

GITM's story makes a powerful statement about normal people. We are all capable of both doing and excusing awful things. Let the story affect you, and stop yer whining. I don't know if we can go so far as to call Literotica 'great literature,' but this story does what great literature does: it helps us grow intellectually while reading, compelling us to grow emotionally long after the final page.

Personally I'm done reading for the day. I'm going to sit with this one for a while.

that is beautifully written and crafted. Some commenters seem to want things from GITM's stories that she has no intention of providing. Clearly the "why" of Kelly's adultery is more sketched-in than explored in agonizing, logical detail. As with so much of her wonderful work, there is a lot for readers to infer.

Of course the reader (or at least this reader) wants more, imagines the conversations between Kelly and Jack, longs for a nice, satisfyingly vicious revenge on Tom, etc. But part of the power of the story is what it DOESN'T provide--how it ends, what it doesn't fully explain, how it doesn't "tie up all the loose ends."

Another first-rate, dark, powerful story.

Thanks, ohio

Lots of emotion, delivered more subtly and insidiously than most. A lovely read.

I also liked the build-up, the peaking, and the crash of the wave. You saw it coming, but until it hit, you had no idea how hard it would crash. They both got their revenges on her scumbag husband, even if she regretted it.

I couldn't read it straight through. I had to stop now and again to figure out some way for them to save themselves, even though I knew from the beginning that they were lost. I wanted to grab Kelly and Jack by the scruff of their necks and shout into their faces, "Can't you SEE?" knowing full well their answer would be "No, see what?" I wanted to put the red flag up on the beach, warn them of the great wave that could coldly, casually, take their lives. They just seemed so hapless.

I love your writing. You still remind me of Sophocles: complex emotions and motivations and inevitable tragedy, brilliantly portrayed. We feel it all. But as with Sophocles, I wonder: what about you? Did you want to save them too, GirlintheMoon? What did you feel as you watched this poor, flawed couple crash and burn?

Love your writing but usually want to strangle your characters at the end! That's usually a very good sign it was a hell of a story! Congrats!

Killian

This is excerpted from an email from Girlinthemoon ( who I know in a VERY small and diminutive way ) to myself .

"Your comment on the story got me and my story entirely, thank you. I'm never all that interested in the "why" because we know that every day, people cheat... and more often than not, for no damn reason. I like examining characters. I like examining characters' actions. That's all I've ever been about. Did I need to go on for paragraphs about how they split the furniture and he punched a hole in the wall? Should I have gone into the nights they spent barely talking at night while "happily" married? I mean, I could have. I just didn't think it was necessary. "

****** ******* ******** *******

Maybe my comment was inane. The talented author ( an area of mutual agreement between you and me ) evidently didn't think so . That's enough for me.

Have a wonderful day Anon

Your friend ( but not your equal ) - LSD

GirlInTheMoon provides the sublime

As always, lord-haha-slammeddog provides the inane

I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is that your main character is not a slut, a whore, not an immoral unethical diabolical monster. The bad news is your main character something deeper and less able to be corrected: she's immature and stupid. This woman's thinking and behavior illustrates why there is a crime generally referred to as Statutory Rape. It applies when a person of superior intellect and experience, usually an adult, takes advantage of a person of inferior experience and intellect, usually a child or adolescent.

Kelly was like a child, projecting all this mystery and drama and eroticism onto Tom. And Tom was just your usual alert pussy hound, who cast his bait and played the poor stupid bitch when she took the bait. Kelly was a piece of cake. Kelly was exactly the person Jack married, and ignored. Tom was exactly the person Jack befriended, and admired, and was totally clueless about. For what its worth, if hadn't of been Tom, it would have been some substitute pussy hound who met her at the grocery, the gym, the book store. Kelly was ripe, and Tom plucked her. Nothing more profound than that.

Kelly may learn something from the experience and be smarter next time, but I doubt it. Based on her ranting at the beginning of the story she exaggerates her evil, and appears to misunderstand her real mistake. She forgot she is a grownup woman in a grownup marriage with rights and responsibilities, rights and desires she needs to assert, and responsibilities she needs to uphold. Kelly behaved like star struck teenager. All she needs to do is grow up. Based on her self perception all she's going to do is grow bitter, but no better. Too bad. She'd probably be a really interesting and enjoyable companion, if she'd ever wise up. Just another dumb skirt, married to a clueless dumb shit.

Thanks for a very depressing and common story.

Tsunami was a poor choice here; it should have been a fog, a deep, thick, impenetrable fog...

Oh great story, certainly a five, but...

Did I miss something? What was the woman's name? Who was she? Did she have an identity?

Harry had this woman pegged. (He defines all your women as being the same.) She was weak, shallow, adrift in a boring marriage without any sense of purpose, self-control, or identity, but absolutely ready to be seduced. She was an undermanned rudderless ship, and Tom, the purposeful savage boarded and pillaged her, much to poor, brain dead, unwitting Jack's grief.

Did our heroine deserve to lose her marriage, her security, her happiness? I think not, but I'm not sure she really understood what she had. I'm not sure Jack did either. But Tom knew!

I guess I know what makes this a five, a real five. I had to think! That's what makes you and Angiesophie, (Angiesophie's comment was accurate.) and Patricia 51 so good. There just aren't enough of you, and of course, you will never be appreciated because the LW genre is the habitue of the angry, self-righteous man. Gifted, talented, thought provoking women like yourself need not apply.

Thanks, interesting story.

From Jedd Clampett (carvohi)